To leave or not?

[DrWhosJazzyScarf]

Honestly, I’m in so many minds about my relationship with DD’s father. The biggest issue is how circular our arguments are - he accuses me of lying about a situation or something he has said (I’m not), says I ‘always have to have my own way’ (to my mind, untrue) and, if I snap back, has recently started telling me, ‘Well, you’ve shown me your true colours now, haven’t you?’ and says he needs to think on our relationship.

While this doesn’t happen often, it’s awful when it does, and is often followed by days of him ignoring me or being cold towards me. We’re currently on day 2 now since our last row.

I’m so tempted to leave him, but then I keep second guessing myself. Is this the right thing to do? We had plans to move to the countryside together - obviously, this wouldn’t happen now. DD also loves the bones of him, even though the effort he puts in isn’t always consistent, shall we say.

DD and I could go and stay/live with my lovely mum in her gorgeous - but small - house, but I feel like such a loser. Like I’m tapping out of the adult world to run back to mummy (which, I’m sure, is how my husband would see it).

I suppose I’m looking to hear from people who have gone out there and done it alone, and realised they made the right decision. Or even the wrong decision! Anything to help me get my head straight. Thank you :)

LTB

Staying with your mum would be a temporary stop-gap while you sort out something more permanent. There’s no shame in that, and I’m glad you have your mum in this situation. Getting yourself and your child out of a toxic relationship isn’t “tapping out” of the adult world, it’s completely the opposite! It’s the difficult option, it’s bravery, and I think it’s the right thing to do.

Thank you both for commenting. It’s so tricky - when it’s good, it’s great. But those times when it’s awful… He’s going away on business for a week next week, so I’m going to ‘test drive’ a week as a solo mum.

Would he try and get 50:50 with her though? That would be my worry that he’d have her half the week 😢

@Jk987Much of the time, that’s the only thing that keeps me here. Like I say, she absolutely adores him, and he’s far kinder and more patient with her than he is with me. But the loss I would feel when she was with him makes me feel physically sick to think about.

You need to leave, he is abusive. Because he is nice 90% of the time doesn't make it right.
Silence is abusive.

He is being abusive OP and you are teaching your DD that it's okay to be abused when she starts looking for future partners. Childen mirror their parents relationship as it's familiar and therefore safe.

Leave. Show her what a strong woman with boundaries can look like so she can be one herself.

Update: clearly I’m still here. He’s off on a work trip from tomorrow, and is now upset I’m chowing to go on a rare night out with friends on the weekend rather than go to one of his work’s dos.

I’m honestly so lacking in energy and decisiveness. I know this needs to change, but it’s so hard to take the next step.

It sounds tough OP. I don’t think he’s treating you with much respect and you guys definitely don’t manage conflict well (which sounds like more his problem but obviously he might see it differently). Do you still feel any love for him at all? Something needs to change, but leaving for good doesn’t have to be the first step. Perhaps therapy if he’ll agree to it? Or a trial separation?

@Swimmingteacher21thank you for your reply. You’re right, it is really tough. We did previously try counselling through Relate, but he felt it was a waste of time and money and that we could work through the issues ourselves.

In all honesty, I do think a trial separation might be on the cards. He just stomped downstairs after an evening of ignoring me to demand where dinner was (I didn’t cook anything as he said he didn’t want the dinner I’d bought him earlier). I’m just so tired.

I’m sorry. That behaviour is just not on. If he’s not willing to work on something in counselling he’s probably not willing to work on things at all. It sounds like there isn’t much of a relationship there anymore anyway.

Silent treatment? Stomping off? Answering back and not engaging? He’s not a moody teenager. So why is he behaving like one? You need to think about whether staying with someone like this is going to to be rewarding and fulfilling. If it isn’t, well, you know the answer ….