Still struggling with intimacy and trust a year after sexual assault

[Alwayschillyatnight]

I was sexually assaulted in my sleep last year. A friend I had known for 17 years. Who i went to when my relationship was breaking down. Who knew i took medication that had a sedative effect. Who didn't take no for an answer.

Ive had an FWB since then, so i know I can have sex, but I haven't had a man in my bed since then. I haven't made love since then. I've called things off with my fwb because it didn't feel right any more and I didn't want to feel icky.

Im awake. Im distraught. I don't want those memories. I want to have someone touch me with love, but I don't know if I can let anyone in. I just can't seem to get enthused about anyone but I want to. I want good experiences to overwrite that.

I just got into my son's bed to cuddle him because I needed safe human contact. I am so lonely and despite how hard I've tried I feel a little bit broken still somewhere deep inside. Im so tired.

I’m so sorry to read about what’s happened to you. Have you spoken to someone about this, I mean a professional? You could definitely benefit from seeing someone and talking through what happened to you.

In the meantime, don’t try and put this right by seeking a relationship or just sex. You need time to heal. Make a nice life for you and your son. See your family and some female friends. You don’t need a man in your life to put this right. You need to be happy again as you. 💐

You need to talk to someone in a safe space. Can you afford therapy or consult with a GP to see if you can access therapy through NHS. Have you thought about talking to a listening service for women who have experienced SA?