Am I being unreasonable to expect bridesmaids to cover hen do extras?

[fibas]

having my hen do two days before my wedding. I'm not a drinker so no risk of hang over! It means all my friends who live abroad and are coming to the wedding will be there.

I hired accommodation that costs about £60 pp for the night. I asked them each for £50 pp.

I will arrive early and cook everyone a meal at the cottage before (paid for by me) and I will get all the alcohol in (will buy spirits, beers, wines and mixers cheaply) .

I have just asked that they organise the rest as a surprise for me. (5 brides maids but 11 attendees.)

The MOH has told me she has spoken to the bridesmaids and they will create and plan and asked me if I have a budget for the rest. But I was kind of hoping they would cover that if any. I don't even need anything extra but a few decorations would be fun and could easily come to no more than £30.

I haven't responded but am disappointed to be asked. I have always split the cost of the hen on hen do dinners out.

Your friends are being weird. Is there some sort of backstory where people are on tight budgets?
ive never been to a hen where we didn’t pay for the bride.. your already paying for the cottage too!!!
( it’s also a bit strange that you booked the cottage?? )

It does seem very odd.

I mean, the fact you are arganising the food and cooking it sounds odd - isn't this supposed to be about you being papmered?

you could go back with something like;

No, I didn’t. I don’t want to impose any specific additional costs on to anyone. I’ve covering the main food and drink shop, so just whatever you guys are happy doing between you. DIY decorations, diamanté or anything in between is good for me just looking forward to the get together.

I think maybe you've been a bit vague with them and they're using this question as a way to gauge what your expectations are. Do you want something really expensive like a private helicopter experience from the cottage back garden or do you want something really cheap like playing cards and a few party poppers.

There's a lot of pressure on them to get this right and so they really need to find a way to work out what you're expecting the suprise to look like.

There are varied incomes amoungst the group but everyone's somewhat budgeting, but a few people are arriving from abroad that day and everyone is travelling at least 1.5h. I know it would be logistically difficult to do a night out and expensive for food. So I thought I will arrive early, everyone arrives before 7pm, and they have a meal waiting for them they don't have to pay for and the hen do can commence after.

I reckon because you’ve already taken control they’re worried about getting things wrong.

Most hen dos I’ve been on have had very little planning input from the bride. The one occasion where the bride took charge from day dot it quickly became very clear she did not want any surprises, however nice, and the rest of us conceded that we just had to go with her flow. One day I’ll ask her if she really was ok arranging her own hen do, because it seems a bit control freaky to me.

the brief I have given them is fun and silly games, party vibe, maybe penis shaped straws

I find the whole notion of hens paying for a bride so weird.
Bride: I’m getting married, yay, come celebrate with me?
Hens: Absolutely!
Bride: Fantastic, pay for me?
When did that become a thing? I know it’s been a thing for years but… why?
Surely nobody would organise themselves a birthday party and expect the guests to cover it?

Now, obviously, £30 could easily (in theory) be split between the hens and I’m sure they’d love to and I think it’s great you’ve booked the cottage etc.
What extras did you want/expect? Games or things like that?

the extras I thought was anything needed for games and maybe some hen do themed decoration - if each bridesmaid put in a tenner £50 should cover it easy

It’s because you’ve half organised it, so you’ve ended up in no man’s land. A cottage and a home cooked meal is quite far from your traditional hen party, especially with the bride organising and paying for it.

I can absolutely see why you’ve done it and it’s a lovely gesture, especially if multiple people are travelling from abroad or long distances, but it’s changed the status quo a bit and so everyone is a bit unsure, and you’ve sort-of unwittingly suggested you’re footing the bill for everything.

You lost me at Penis shaped straws. Just why.

Any time I’ve been a bridesmaid we’ve all contributed to the cost of the hen BUT we’ve also organised the hen too so I can see why they’re asking?

@Indianajet why not its funny

I think your generous gesture of subsidising accommodation and proving a meal and alcohol has led them into a presumption that you are treating them. (This has happened to me ...) The best thing you can do is set the record straight now and say "there is no budget from me for entertainment as I'm already covering xyz, happy with some fun games 'at home' and decorations from you guys, don't feel you need to spend a lot - I'm looking forward to see what you come up with! "

I like honey lulu's suggestion, think is a good way of clarifying!

I like this, clear what youve done so far but not beggy

I arranged my own hen do, I really don't like surprises, I was perfectly happy to and it was pretty low key!

I like @scarym0nster's message. Send something like that.

I think as a pp said, they may think this is "your treat" because you've organised the house and food.

I also didn't know any brides actually wanted penis shaped straws! I thought the joke was meant to be that nobody wants them and they're a bit cringe? Like having to dress up in something embarrassing.

Anyway, hope you clarify things with your bridesmaids

I hate this expectation that fully grown adults need other people to pay for their often £££ frivolities, when they are almost certainly out of pocket just to attend the wedding. Plus a gift or cash is almost always expected.

It really saps the joy out of it for me personally. I wouldn't dream of expecting anyone to pay for something like that. They are already mostly paying for themselves?! Including foreign travel?! Isn't that enough?

I know I seem to be a curmudgeonly outlier with this opinion these days (!) but I have had some friends who were so blasé about costs, and ridiculous plans, when they knew fine well that others in the party had vastly differing life situations to them. It's crass.

Not so bad if you've invested equal time and money into their hen dos, I guess. In my case it was definitely not the case, and I felt very hurt.

I don't know the answer though 😂 I just came to selfishly vent about past experiences (sorry) and let you know that people do pretend they are cool with things when they aren't, and maybe they are hinting obliquely at this.

Also, I've been involved in a few weddings where they spent absolute tens of thousands, but skimped on the parts that made their guests feel welcome and loved. Eg. Bring your own breakfast (?!?!) and purposefully choosing a very overpriced paid bar with not even a free drink for toasts etc. Again, it's crass.

So I think, maybe don't skimp on that final fifty quid for activities, if you're already paying cottage and food /alcohol? What is an extra fifty in the grand scheme of things. Things cost so much more now, a hen do isn't "like for like" compared to even a year ago I don't think.

I have no idea when getting married meant a bunch of your friends just handed over endless amounts of cash so you can have lots of parties that you can't afford, but i wish it would stop.

They may feel that they have already spent enough in travelling. When we got married both sides of the family and many friends had flights to pay for. I didn’t want them to have to budget anything for my hen party. We had an afternoon tea which I paid for

Don’t do this on the group chat. Phone or meet up with your MOH and have a proper conversation.

People coming from abroad and staying over for 3 days minimum are already out of pocket quite a lot. It's nice when people pay for the hen, but I don't think it should be expected. You made the decision to marry so it's down to you to make sure you have sufficient budget.