Furious that my mother took an overdose

[Nosdoc]

I am 46 years old, female,and my mother has been suffering from schizophrenia since I was around 10 years old, almost 36 years. Her illness destroyed my childhood: hearing voices, thinking the police were after her, screaming at imaginary people in the house, the hours of crying etc.

She finally managed to find the right medication when I was 17, so she has been semi stable for almost 30 years.

Unfortunately, around 15 years ago she started have mobility difficulties and has had several knee surgeries and replacements in both knees. She now struggles to walk and remains in bed. She further suffers from nasty tremors in both her arms, and her medication has become less effective over time.
Last week she managed to take an overdose of her medication. She told my father and he called an ambulance. Thankfully, they kept her overnight and released her the next day.

The doctors changed her medication and she had a horrible reaction to her new medication but her tremors stopped - the doctors thought it was due to her existing medication. However she now refuses to continue with her new medication and wants to return to her old medication- the one that isn’t effective and is causing her tremors in her arms.

She is only 70 and is bedridden, in a nappy. I feel so, so sorry for my father, having to look after her. We Indian and my father is of a generation that doesn’t talk about feeling but I feel life has dealt his a harsh hand.
However, I seem to lack the same empathy towards my mother. Her illness is outside of her control, yet I sometimes blame her for being ill.
The guilt I felt towards my parents meant I felt forced into an arranged marriage, despite have depression and anxiety myself. Totally selfish on my part. I now have an unhappy marriage and 2 children.
When my father told me my mother had overdosed I felt angry towards her. Nothing else. How horrible is that.
Just needed to write this down. I have no one to talk to….i used to have a family GP who knew the full history of my family and would occasionally talk about my mother with him, but he has since retired

Sorry I have no advice yet but just wanted to say I empathise with you. Life doesn’t sound easy at the moment.

As her GP doesn’t sound too good, is your mother allocated mental health support from the hospital? A social worker?

If you are that unhappy in your marriage have you tried couples therapy? Worst case scenario is separation then divorce. What issues are in the marriage? What religion are you? I know of a Sikh family where the wife was very unhappy and wanted a divorce, and her parents intervened with her husband so that she got a good job, more understanding from her husband and her life improved so much so that she decided to stay in the marriage and is still there years later. I appreciate that’s probably a rare case. A friend of mine, Hindu, divorced her first husband due to bad behaviour, left him with their daughter, and is now happily remarried with another child. Both marriages were arranged. The second case, it was a love match. Again, family support is crucial, but also the sense of oneself. To be able to go it alone. Good luck!

A life of trauma has formed your responses. You can’t help that any more than your mum can help being schizophrenic. It’s the kind of disease where everyone suffers. Treat yourself gently.

I got angry with someone at work a few days ago. I’m grieving the death of my mother and a kind boss said to me that anger is the easiest emotion, it’s the first one we go to, it’s so much easier to handle than others.

What emotions would you have to be facing if the anger fades? Maybe grieving your childhood?

That being said, anger isn’t an unusual or unreasonable response to your mother doing things and making decisions that make your dad’s life even harder and force you to worry about her again, the way you had to when you were too young.

In the meantime, is there any way for your marriage to improve? How old are your children - are you in the trenches with little ones?

It is natural to feel angry in this situation. The illness stole your childhood and has come back. So you will be suffering remembering the time before the 30yrs of remission. We cannot control what we feel, only how we react. Do not be ashamed of your anger. I am sorry about your marriage, maybe you can channel the anger into seizing the life you really want for yourself. Your mother has had an awful life so I have sympathy for her taking an overdose. Have the doctors referred her for depression? She has good reason to be so depressed and suicidal. Her demanding this and that of the doctors could be because she needs psychological attention and talking therapy, not more pills and being left in bed to manage her emotions alone. As family, you are not able to help her as you have been deeply affected by her illness. She needs a therapist she can talk to.

Anger is often a secondary emotion, and in your case it sounds like pain coming out after years of trauma, where one person’s struggle has dominated your whole family’s life experience. It’s not her fault, but it’s not yours either.

Have you ever tried therapy? I wonder if it might help to have a space of your own x