DH in pain and I’m miserable

[feelawfuladmittingthisbut]

DH has a mysterious pain / injury. That sounds snarky written down which I don’t mean it to; I’m sure it’s genuine but the mysterious is just meant to convey we don’t know what it is despite MRIs and so on. He’s meant to be starting pain injections soon. Hopefully that will help. I’m not really seeking advice for that.

I do need a safe space though because … life is pretty miserable at the moment, for everyone probably. DH is tired all of the time so quite grouchy and grumpy. Unfortunately I’m probably the same as it’s left me with so much to deal with. I am resentful and cross. Just now (I have been up since 6) finally came upstairs to brush my teeth and try to shower and had to go downstairs three times to sort the children because DH couldn’t.

I can’t go anywhere, do anything, see anyone or have anything for me at all. That sounds like an exaggeration but it isn’t. I didn’t exactly have much freedom before but now I have none.

I felt like I hated my two year old just now and of course I don’t but it’s a sign of how wrung out I am by now.

I have sympathy for him. I'm having to see my GP this week as my leg is really painful. I'm hoping that whatever it is can be diagnosed and treated, because this last week I've been pretty miserable with it all. I've gone in a very short time, from being able to walk a good distance, do DIY, get up ladders, do normal household tasks, to being a person who winces when I stand, having to use a stick and not be so able. I hope your DH and others in a similar position get some treatment and answers soon.

Jesus I’m recovering from an autoimmune attack on my spinal cord and brain stem 4 weeks ago and have had to get involved with the kids 🤣

Would your life be easier if he wasn’t there, or does he help in some ways?

Thank goodness I'm widowed, otherwise someone would be suggesting to my DH that he should divorce me now I'm( hopefully temporarily) less able.

It’s hard to say @PersephoneParlormaid ; in all honesty the day to day stuff is so much easier and more straightforward when he’s not there. But of course he does majorly contribute financially; he does a lot of the house stuff in terms of maintenance and repairs rather than housework.

I do know some posters will read this and bristle at the suggestions that it does have an impact on the other person but unfortunately it does, there’s no getting around that. I don’t verbalise this to DH but here is anonymous and a fairly safe space and it does grind you down and lead you to a bad place when all you hear is groans and winces and sighs and the only conversation seems to be about pain.

There have been a number of recent threads from female posters who have mysterious pain that prevents them from working and coping with everyday life. The consensus was that the NHS doesn’t take pain seriously enough for women. A number of posters suggested it might be fibromyalgia. Another suggestion, it might sound silly, I have a number of female friends recently diagnosed with shingles. Shingles affects nerve endings so the pain can linger for a very long time.

I’ve lived with chronic pain for 30yrs. I haven’t checked out of family life. Of course there have been days when I couldn’t get down on the floor to play with the kids, I still can’t do a lot of the housework and I watch from the chair while DH gardens. I don’t, however, moan, groan, wince, unless I can help it, and centre conversations about my pain, because it sucks the life out of the house like a vacuum and drags everyone else down.

That's a really difficult situation, and it's natural that you should feel resentful - I don't blame you for it. The trick is to resent the painful condition without resenting the person who has it. Which requires some mental gymnastics.

There have been lots of MN threads on this in the past, which you might find helpful, or at least sympathetic. Here's one

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5512225-how-to-cope-when-your-partners-chronic-pain-is-affecting-family-life

I get that and could probably do so more easily if he wasn’t so grouchy and so quick to complain.

This morning I’ve done everything and he’s just pulling faces and grouching at the children, moaning at me because I can’t find his trainers and bit my head off when I asked a question.

I really hope his injections work because the thought of the rest of my life being like this isn’t much fun.

I bet he's never thought of that 🙄

He does the maintenance on the house? Pay for it or actually do it? Are you sure he is unable to help with the children more? Not knowing where something is does not need you to think for him. He can think I am sure?

Problem is it just all makes more work for me. He had them this morning for maybe had an hour and downstairs is trashed and he was meant to be taking ds to rugby but couldn’t find his trainers so ds will be around half an hour late for an hours session. It’s just easier to do it myself but it really does make me resentful and annoyed.

How long has this been going on for OP?

The cynic in me feels that if you were to ask a friend or family member to come in and look after the children you may find that he is able to do more with less performative wincing.

That would give potentially give you a baseline of what he can do so you can start to negotiate where he can step up.

Why does his pain mean he needs you to look for his trainers?

it sounds bloody miserable for both of you tbh.

Could he not wear a different pair of shoes to take your son to rugby?

It’s been really bad as in almost sole topic of conversation, dominating life, since the start of the year perhaps. The original pain happened last summer though.

My life is very similar, other than this has been going on for 6 or 7 years with me. I'm at the compassion fatigue stage and just feel bitter and resentful. I also feel the pressure of potentially being the sole breadwinner soon. I don't like the person this has made me and definitely didn't envisage life panning out like this. I feel very alone.

Oh good for you.

my dh is awaiting spinal surgery. He’s in severe constant pain. He’s terrified. His life has turned on its head and he’s grieving his former self.

if he wants to “groan and moan” to me, his wife, then he bloody well can. And I’ll love and support him however I can. id never want him feeling like he can’t lean on me for support.

chronic pain sufferers shouldn’t have to feel like they are a burden

Good for you. Family of people with chronic pain shouldn't have to feel they must serve them silently for an indefinite number of years and never give voice to any weariness or frustration themselves.

I'm sorry your DH is going through this 💐 sounds awful.

All the same, we can't just deny that someone's chronic pain has an effect on their partner, too. It's a really tough situation, especially when kids are involved.

If someone like the OP feels resentment but bottles it all up, it will come out in other ways and cause problems. Of course she doesn't want to vent it all on her DH and make him feel even worse. Much better that she comes here, to an anonymous forum, where other people have been through similar and might be able to help with suggestions for how to cope.

Duration and whether there are concrete events to change the situation on the horizon makes immeasurable difference, as does whether children are embroiled in the situation (both having their living environment centered around a parent's chronic pain, which makes them young carers whether they do anything actively caring related or not) and the spouse -carer also picking up all the childcare and transport of younger children/ children generally in locations where a lot of driving is required.

My DH was in an accident a few years ago and I was shocked by how difficult I found it once he was home - initially when he was in hospital I was in adrenaline fueled crisis management mode and juggled everything, but when he got home it was a lot harder, both logistically and psychologically, to run a life with three school aged children which had evolved to work with two active but full time working parents in a location not particularly well connected public transport wise. On top of that DH was miserable and in pain and needed me to do a lot for him (I had to take most of my annual leave) - but at
least we knew why! It meant I felt I couldn't complain because he had it worse, but after the initial high adrenaline coping/ relief things weren't worse itvwas really exhausting.

I'm surprised the OP 's DP can work as another negative shock was that DH couldn't work even though he does a desk job because he couldn't sit in a comfortable position and couldn't concentrate properly.

Making sure children don't suffer from the negative environment centered around pain and worry/ fear is a huge factor that the OP and others with young children are juggling on top of practical childcare and household activities.

It is hard for the entire household.

Thanks. I’m trying really hard but it can be hard when he’s grouchy and wincing or when I’ve been up half the night myself and he complains about how tired he is.

I have a chronic pain condition and its shit. But magically I manage to look after my children and work.
I also don't moan about it unless it is so severe.And i'm pretty much at the writhing stage. The best thing to do chronic pain is, to distract yourself, ignore it and accept it.
Is he doing anything to help it? Often there are lots of little things you can do that can help.

I felt all of these things when my DH had sciatica and I was doing everything. There are so many layers, you are sympathetic but feel helpless, I’m very much a fix it person and felt frustrated that there were no pills you could buy or appointments you could book that made a great deal of difference. coming from a childhood where one parent was very stoic and would not tolerate moaning and groaning, and the other was a bit of a hypochondriac, I found all the moaning and wincing weirdly triggering, I would feel panicky and just didn’t want to be around it, even though logically I know it’s not about me but the person actually suffering. And the tiredness on top of everything else you have to do. thankfully for DH it didn’t last many months and once it was steadily getting better the helpless/panicky/sleepless feelings improved quickly.