DH in pain and I’m miserable

[feelawfuladmittingthisbut]

DH has a mysterious pain / injury. That sounds snarky written down which I don’t mean it to; I’m sure it’s genuine but the mysterious is just meant to convey we don’t know what it is despite MRIs and so on. He’s meant to be starting pain injections soon. Hopefully that will help. I’m not really seeking advice for that.

I do need a safe space though because … life is pretty miserable at the moment, for everyone probably. DH is tired all of the time so quite grouchy and grumpy. Unfortunately I’m probably the same as it’s left me with so much to deal with. I am resentful and cross. Just now (I have been up since 6) finally came upstairs to brush my teeth and try to shower and had to go downstairs three times to sort the children because DH couldn’t.

I can’t go anywhere, do anything, see anyone or have anything for me at all. That sounds like an exaggeration but it isn’t. I didn’t exactly have much freedom before but now I have none.

I felt like I hated my two year old just now and of course I don’t but it’s a sign of how wrung out I am by now.

God help you.
Whatever he has, I only ever hear of men having these afflictions where they completely withdraw from family life.
I have NEVER heard of a woman withdrawing despite some awful conditions.

I have no advice, but absolute sympathy for you.

Is he managing to work? Does it affect his mobility?

If he's opting out of family life completely that isn't reasonable. I had major surgery and once home still got up to be around for my children because I knew it was important to them. I agree that opting out appears to only be an option for men.

That would wear me out too. Where is this pain and how does he think he acquired it?

Is he on sick leave from work, or does the pain only happen on the weekend and the evenings?

I really feel for you! My exdh (still live together atm) has been 'ill' for going on 3 weeks with a sore throat and a cough. He says he got if from ds at Easter but ds had one day when he didn't feel great and left work early and went in a bit later the next day and after that resumed 'normal service'. He also said he didn't have a sore throat but exdh said he would say that 🤔. Anyway he normally takes me to work but at the last minute said I'd have to walk and I had to step in with regards things he was meant to do with dd3. Anything to do with the home etc he can't do - he doesn't work - and he spends most of the time in bed! Of course with his schedule he could have phoned the gp, gone to a drop in or taken more than throat lozenges if he has a problem! It's a good job our 4dc are adults. I can't imagine a woman behaving that way.

My DH has had pain at various times. One thing that can help is to take control. So discuss with him how to schedule the weekends so that he deals with kids for 30 mins and then you take them to playground and he gets break etc.

is he doing physio and exercise? That is a slow but reliable way to resolve many types of pain. Because it is awful being in pain all the time and taking active steps towards pain management will help him and therefore everyone else.

I’m a single Mum. I broke my elbow. I still had to get up, get shit done, get my child to school and work cause I can’t afford not to!!
I appreciate he is in pain, but somehow men in pain, is soooo much worse than women in pain.
If it were the other way around, he wouldn’t let you sit around and do sweet F all.
He needs a kick up the arse in my opinion!

I am so sorry to hear this OP and hope it can be diagnosed soon and is nothing sinister. I have a lot of sympathy since two of my friends recently lost their husbands to bowel cancer after a period of several
months where they were in bed and needed a lot of care.
Assuming a worst case scenario, what would you need to put in place to enable you to nurse him and look after your children alone? There is help available from places like MacMillan also.
If he is in bed/on the sofa with his pain, can the children be in the same room as him or parked on a screen while you deal with your personal care and other things?
Is there the possibility of a family member or paid carer coming in to enable you to have a night out with friends or weekend away, or do shopping.
I think working out a practical
routine (you up
first and showered being a key part of this) and where you can spend some money on practical support/relief this would be a good first step.
If in fact this is malingering as others have suggested this will also focus your husband’s mind once he realises it is going to cost some money.

Tell him to get a grip and watch his children,while you are getting showered

You need help. I’m not saying that sarcastically, I’m saying you need someone to help with the kids and the house. You need a hotel for the night with a spa area so you can take care of yourself for a change and unwind.

What are your kids doing that mean you can't brush your teeth for hours and even then have to keep stopping?

Is this pain so debilitating that it means he can’t do ANYTHING? I know you aren’t looking for advice on his conditon, but any advice you get here is going to have to consider the extent to which this pain actually prevents him parenting or is more ‘selective’ . By that I don’t mean he’s a hypochondriac (although of course it’s possible), but many people with chronic pain get on with many aspects of their life and the pain is managed. And seriously, unless he is in pain all the time in every part of his body and no painkiller is touching it, there should be some things he can do. To what extent is it the pain and to what extent is he checking out of parenting? Because let’s face it, some men do! I had undiagnosed gallstones for a while and during attacks the pain was pretty debilitating and all consuming, and to be honest I wasn’t worth a shit as a parent, but I take strong painkillers and anti inflammatories until the attack passes and I get on with it.
Together the two of you need to sit down and work out what he can and can’t do and how he can parent more.
At the very very least he should be able to attend to the kids while you have an hour to yourself each evening.
Is he working? Because if he is I am even more inclined to call bullshit on any notion that he can’t do any parenting.

@Raspberrywhite "Whatever he has, I only ever hear of men having these afflictions where they completely withdraw from family life."

This. When I had chronic siatica for 2 months I could only basically crawl around on my hands and knees. And even that almost made me cry with pain. It was searing, the worst pain I'd known since child birth. But I still continued to look after everyone as best I could including the dog, and I did it with as much good grace as I could muster. The older I get the sicker I am of hearing about men and their troubles.

Pain often has a huge amount of psychological / social factors. He may need referral to a pain service where nurses / drs / psychologists / physios collaborate to help those with complex chronic pain.

I’m sorry I have no sympathy I’ve still had to get on with things with kids many times no matter how poorly I am
or how much pain I’m in he’s taking a lend , doubt he would do it if boot was on the other foot

Can't he just take some pain relief?

Also agree with a pp who said is he in pain all the time or just when he has to spend time with his family?

Bullshit. I know 3 women who have done that

Some of the replies on here are disgusting. He’s in severe chronic pain to the point he can’t do much by the sounds of it and there’s people saying he needs to get a grip!. How do you think this man is feeling right now?. Helpless and scared as well as in pain. Probably pumped full of nerve pain meds that make you totally washed out. When my dh slipped a disc I was there for him. Cared for him. Carried the load. Just as he’s done for me when my health hasn’t been good.

op I’m sorry that you’re struggling, do you have any family that can help until he’s back on his feet?. It’s hard I know and you need to look after yourself as well and get a break.

I hope he’s on the mend soon x

What kind of pain? What’s actually going on? It’s hard to say if he could do more without knowing more.

I agree! Imagine this was a man writing this about his wife, there would be uproar!

In fairness, if he's had MRIs he's not putting it on. There seems to be so many illnesses and ailments that are hard to diagnose and even harder to treat.

To the point, can you get outside help like family, cleaners, nannies etc?

Ah thank you. I hate the fact it puts me in such a bad mood - I can only ever hear him saying ‘ahh-ahh-ahh!’ and ‘oooh.’ Horrible but it’s so irritating.

So - he’s working but it’s not a physically demanding job.

As for the children, the issue is getting down on the floor. So yesterday from memory the two year old needed help on the potty, the five year old was wanting something DH didn’t know where it was - not sure. Some stuff he could do but would take ages and it stressed me out when all I can hear is a child yelling!

I’m a woman.

i had severe chronic pain after an accident that mangled my foot and I had to withdraw from family life.

op, sorry to hear you are all going through this. It may help to think through (with him) what he can do and what he can’t do and try to schedule in some time for you to rest.

I have pain in my hip/leg and limited movement. I have had x rays and MRI and it has never been diagnosed. I take pain killers. I would struggle to manage small children as I can't bend down easily or get up and down off the floor. The pain makes me grumpy too. It is horrible having no idea what is wrong and having to just try and muddle though. Thankfully my children are adult and it's just me and DH at home. My DH takes on the burden of the housework and other household tasks because i can't. I really feel for OPs DH.

It sounds tough but as someone who has had knee pain for 6 months and awaiting MRI results, it is no fun being in constant pain and if we currently had small children there is not way I would be getting anywhere near the floor with them as would need hoisting up again!! I can see it annoys my DH, which annoys me. Every time I try and get my leg into the car I groan and he says " What's up?" nearly every time which is so infuriating. Hopefully he will eventually recover and things can get back to normal but constant pain is incredibly wearing for anyone to live with and for loved ones to live with too.