Let it play out or give advice…?

[Lemontreeinthecity]

Im hoping some mums of tweens/teens who have been through the start of friendship dramas could help me on this one…
im trying not to be too involved in any friendship dramas my 7 year old DD (turns 8 in August) has.
I listen rather than instruct- ask her what she should do etc and let her work it out. It usually does.
but - this one situation has left me totally perplexed and a bit concerned: I’ll keep it brief:
She has this one “best friend “ who she talks about a lot, they play together at school etc.
uve met the best friend at other kids birthday parties that they have both attended etc but never the parents / except briefly the dad when he’s picked her up etc etc.
this best friends birthday is coming up and she’s told my DD that she can’t invite my DD as her mum “doesn’t like my DD” and she has been replaced by another girl she’s invited to her party..

I was like well we don’t always get invited to birthdays but on the other hand would her mum really say this !!? She has never met my DD and I don’t know the mum at all.

i asked my DD if she believes this is the truth - maybe she can only invite a handful and sadly she’s not on the list..but my DD says this girl is her bestie…
it’s like this isn’t what I want her to think is friendship - good friendship…. It seems mean.

any advice rather than unclench (I’m also pregnant 😂).

Just because your DD says she’s her best friend, doesn’t mean that this girl feels the same. I suspect the girl is lying to hide the fact that she’d rather have the other girl there.
Does this girl come to your house to play and have tea, like I’d expect a best friend to do?
Id encourage your DD to play and be friends with others.

So my DD has now received a birthday invite from this best friend, let’s call her Girl A but she was first told about it from another girl she knows who said “Girl A has convinced her mum to let you come to the party!!”.
the envelope the invitation was in had A written on it and then crossed out and then C for my DDs initial.

deep breath. 😮‍💨

my DD really wants to go to the party. It’s at her this girls house. I’ll be entering a party with the information that the birthday girls mother said she doesn’t like my DD. I’m like WTF.
also she lives quite far away so will be staying until it’s finished.

any advice to navigate.

i don’t know if this best friend is a bit manipulative. She does have a teenage older sibling. So may be copy behaviour. But saying her mum has now allowed my DD to come to the party - I’m callingbullshit.

Bump

Anyone

No real advice as I'd also be confused and fuming. I would go to this party and observe the dynamics of how it all plays out and take it from there.

My almost 7 year old has a bestie and the dynamics can also be a bit questionable. I never get to actually observe them together as this other kid is either not invited to or just doesn't attend parties (she was invited to my daughter's, didn't attend) but I'm very curious about how things play out during social occasions like playtime etc. Before anyone sees this and mentions playdates... hasn't been any, don't intend to instigate any. Play dates such my soul from by body unless the parent is also a friend of mine.

So no, I wouldn't say unclench but I would go with a relatively open mind (she says, knowing full well I'd have eyes of fire 😂)

Mean girl in training I'm afraid. Seriously, encourage your DD to make new friends. Invite them for play dates, days out etc and do your best to make friends with their parents. As a former primary teacher I've seen this happen many times. The girl will continue to treat your DD badly throughout the primary years unless you take away the power she has.

Thank you for your replies.

I’m seriously considering saying we aren’t able to come to the party …but where will that leave me.

She does have other friends in the class and school but have drifted away from them to be more with this bestie and her “group” who includes this girl who said “oh such and such has convinced her mum to let you come to the party “ etc.
im like why we second fiddle here.
this girl has been jealous of my DD being more friendlier with this bestie.

this is only 7. I think I might need to unclench a bit here 😮‍💨

My dd had several friends at about that age. One of her friends (A) told another of dd's friends (B) that I didn't like her. It was a complete lie. Poor B spent years believing this lie, and even turned down invitations to dd's birthday parties. We only found out some years later when they were all in their late teens, and friend B asked dd whether she knew what it was she'd done to make me dislike her so much.

The whole thing had been fabricated by friend A. Turned out that friend A was an habitual liar about all sorts of things.

@FettchYeSandbaggesi think that is exactly what is happening. I have witnessed this bestie telling something extravagant - “ I have five horses “ something like that😂 but I’ve put it down at the time as just kids exaggerating etc etc.

i think you’re right about go to the party and see the interactions.
I think that this is a couple of girls (bestie being one) who have been friends since very young and one is now closer with my DD…
but I’m also concerned my DD isn’t seeing what a good friend is. This isn’t it.
Ive suggested this and how do they make you feel etc.
im going to keep encouraging other friends - and some sport clubs….

This takes me back, a long way now since my dds are adults.
Yes I have to agree with pp, mean girl in training.
Trust your instincts and keep encouraging new and alternative friends but also be prepared to advise her. She's still young and needs your guidance .

One of my dd's had a very similar situation, she would be heartbroken at the games her "girl A" best friend would play.
I kept encouraging wider and varied friendship groups but eventually I couldn't take the heartbreak of my poor dd any longer .
I did and strongly advise her to trust me on this, she needs a break from this girl for her own sake, and instructed her to experiment with playing with other children to see how that feels.

Thank you @Noshadelamp

Do you think I should accept the birthday invite, go to the party.
i will be able to see the girls together myself then.
i just don’t know why the one girl doesn’t want to invite my DD if the are all friends in this group…like wtf

Yes that might be helpful for you to observe their dynamic.