im ungrateful but need to thank them

[fabilsion]

I hate feeling so ungrateful as they are so generous.

PIL gave partners sibling a HUGE amount of money for wedding, home, business and future baby. This was three years ago with the promise of giving to us when we got engaged.

We got engaged but the house SIL bought needed renovations, the wedding needed more money, and they're giving us a tiny portion of what they gave SIL.

We just found out and partner is just grateful for anything but I feel so upset at the unfairnes. DP says I need to call them and write them a thank you message - please help me write it. I've left it two days but can't bring myself to write it.

Why can’t your dh just thank them from both of you, why do you individually have to thank them.

my mum gave us money towards our summer holiday this year, I personally thanked her from us all, she doesn’t need individual thanks .

You got free money and you're somehow ungrateful?

Yep. She should give the money back

Thats just cold.

Children have no rights to their parents money.

I'm presuming PIL are not just giving them a couple of hundred.

If I lobbed a few thousand in their direction and just got that I'd be fuming and there wouldnt be any more coming.

Seem to be a lot of threads at the moment expressing discontent that PIL are not handing over inheritance early.

I've not seen any that are from the actual child... just saying!

100 per cent.

This isn't about the money.
It's about the totally different treatment of sil and dp.
Only those who have grown up getting the crumbs whilst sibling(s) feast will get it, op.
I'd tell dp to thank them from both of you.
But...this treatment will continue...your dc will be treated differently, too.
I imagine your dp is used to it.

Is it though? Every day on this forum there's a new disgruntled post from someone who seems to think their parents should pony up the money before they have croaked. It really sticks in my throat the amount of entitlement these days. Maybe it is about being treated equal, but actually equal isn't equal is it? Equity is what we should aim for - which doesn't mean we all get the same, we get the leg up that we need. For the record my sister is 45 and hasn't had a job for the last two decades, she gets state support and my parents help her out too. So I am definitely a 'crumbs' person, but the way I have made peace with it is to say to myself that at least I have the ability to hold down a job. So there am I fortunate. At the same time my sister (she is an addict), when she is completely blasted, laughs about the fact that everyone else pays for her. But I'd still rather my life than the mess she has made of hers.

I totally agree with how you feel but this is a good way of thinking about how to thank them.

@Arlanymor
You make a valid point, indeed one of my siblings sounds similar to your sister...but...people are human and feelings around being treated as "less than" are complicated.

Yes I would agree with you there. I guess I made peace a while back - well at least 90% (there’s 10% of me that gets cross privately at times!) But also there have been so many threads recently about people being gifted significant sums and somehow still being aggrieved. I think I am feeling the cumulative effect of that ingratitude!

@Arlanymor
Agree that there are plenty of grubby, grabby buggers in the world. Op doesn't strike me as either of those things, just disappointed and sad for her dp - which is made worse by his total acceptance, I imagine.

It’s clearly not equal but at the end of the day it’s their money and they didn’t have to give you anything so I think you need to suck it up and be grateful to some extent. It would be madness to start complaining about unfairness, I’d be thrilled if my parents in law were contributing to my wedding tbf.

Yes that’s fair enough. I am coming around to your way of thinking, maybe my comment was a bit knee jerk.

This.
Unfortunately their gift and your expectations don't match but it's tough. Not for you to dictate who gets what.

@Arlanymor
Money is a very tricky issue, I've found!
And - only on MN! - a parent is quite reasonable to watch their child and gc get evicted and go hungry whilst off on their 6th Cruise of the year.
As a parent, it's an attitude I cannot comprehend 🤷‍♀️
I had a work colleague many years ago whose parents promised her an amount of money for her wedding (same as sibling who had married the year previously).
My colleague kept checking it was ok to book things like venue, dress, cars etc
"Yes, yes...all fine".
When the balances fell due for payment (I think about 2 months before?) her parents told her there was no money, they thought they would have been able to save it, but hadn't.
She was devastated. She and her dp ended up taking out a bank loan as it was too late to cancel.
Her parents had the brass neck to make speeches at the wedding breakfast 😲
Then, a few months later they took the sibling and spouse to Mexico on holiday.
I don't think she ever got over it, and I don't blame her.

How about thanking them for their contribution and saying you’ll probably put it towards the flowers/bridesmaid’s dress/music or whatever their contribution will help fund. A probably not-so-subtle way to highlight it’s a smaller contribution than you may have expected.

Shocked at some of these answers, I get there is a col,but people have become so grabby, so entitled to other people’s money.

I sent a text that was short but warm. It's easy to hate on someone in this position. I am so sad for DP I know he feels so unconsidered. Because he wasn't considered. We were promised it and had planned our whole lives around it and are grieving the plans we had

It would be nice if you were grateful ratherthan envious.

So let me get this straight.

On the one hand, OP shouldnt be doing any thanking or writing because they are HIS parents and his family and so his responsbility to cover the communication, cards, the gratitude etc etc, its not really her business to do this, thats on him

On the other hand, OP is entitled to feel aggrieved at a decision HIS parents have made about THEIR birth family because its her business so much after all.

Sister-In-Law is now in debt to her parents. It will be her job to look after them when they are old, not yours

Sounds like they were trapped into spending more on SIL than they expected to and now just don't have the funds to give you exactly the same but have still given you a generous gift.

In which case, it's not really their fault and you should be grateful and wanting exactly what SIL had is grabby and entitled.

But I see why it seems unfair.

You sound really ungrateful, and entitled. Who told you that life was fair, and that all decisions need to be so. I feel sorry for the PILs, they are not your personal cash machine and you have no idea of the different family dynamics, as you only have your partners view.

Just say thank you, it's really not that difficult.

It can’t actually ever be fair anyway, because often some in-laws are either richer or more generous than the in laws on the other side etc.
Two of my brothers, for example, married into rich families, I did not. My parents try and keep things “fair” vis a vis their own children but they will never be able to compensate for what some of the cousins will get from the other side of their own families. Yet we are immensely grateful for whatever we get from our own parents or what is given to our own children, as we should be.
I would be mightily disappointed if one of my children ended up with a future spouse feeling entitled to our money. It would really make me view the person in a bad light. I think the OP needs to imagine herself in the same situation as the in laws further down the line. I know it is hard for young people these days, but it was hard for past generations too, in many ways. And most people are just making life up as they go along anyway, regardless of their age. It is very naive to think people reach a certain age and are somehow in “control” or massive masters of their own destiny. It lacks maturity. Often the elderly or middle aged are starting to worry about their own old age and have their own challenges.