im ungrateful but need to thank them

[fabilsion]

I hate feeling so ungrateful as they are so generous.

PIL gave partners sibling a HUGE amount of money for wedding, home, business and future baby. This was three years ago with the promise of giving to us when we got engaged.

We got engaged but the house SIL bought needed renovations, the wedding needed more money, and they're giving us a tiny portion of what they gave SIL.

We just found out and partner is just grateful for anything but I feel so upset at the unfairnes. DP says I need to call them and write them a thank you message - please help me write it. I've left it two days but can't bring myself to write it.

If someone wrote a letter for me to sign, I'd be rethinking the whole relationship.

I’d get him to thank them again in person next time you meet and say thanks on top of that.

if they actually said to you directly that you’d get x to pay towards your wedding and now have said to you they can’t afford it, thats different but sounds like that second discussion didn’t happen with you.

I can’t get in board with this ‘it’s his parents only he needs to thank them’ that’s weird to me. When we got money for wedding or to buy a cot from in laws of course I sent a message to say thank you. As did my husband to my parents when they did similar. It’s just basic manners and a text message takes no time at all. ‘Oh xxx just told me about the money for the wedding. That’s so kind, thank you’
I actually think in-laws may have spent more on brother in laws first born as father in law was working then and then had more disposable income. It’s not always about favourites as I definitely get along much better with my mother in law than his brothers wife does. We have a great relationship, their circumstances were just different a few years ago and that’s understandable.

I mean you’re not siblings. Surely a note from you both is the normal etiquette here….

Most people would send a text or thank in person surely

Times have changed and people are poorer. just ask ChatGPT to do it and try and find some gratitude somewhere. It is not a competition. Make sure your wedding is COMPLETELY different so comparison isn’t possible.

This! Does not matter the amount, they could have given you nothing!

Did SILs husband have to write a letter of thanks?

We had similar. SIL will always be favoured. IME.

Why does it need a separate missive from you too? Surely he would have written whatever he wanted and just signed it “James and Mary”. Done.

I guess it depends on what the difference is. Is the amount they are giving you enough that it’s still life changing/a huge help (although not as much as SIL) or have you been completely shafted where SIL may have got 90k and your getting 3k as an example?

Is the amount your getting tainted by how much SIL got or is it really a shit amount? Obviously not nice regardless

I would just say something like thank you for the gift it’s kind of you and leave it at that

sorry you feel disappointed x

"Thank you for the deposit. When can we expect the balance of £x ?"

More information is needed really. Have they given you a small amount? If they gave SIL a huge amount, even a smaller percentage of that will be a lot of money.

You also mention the business, did they just gift money, or have they become investors in the business?

He’s thanked them already. That’s enough for now, she can thank them informally when she sees them.

@fabilsion you think this is bad? Wait until childcare comes into it… you’re going to get shortchanged there too.

expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed and won’t be so irked by the disparity in future

Somehow you might have hit on something here.

DP needs to thank them for both of you.

I think in terms of the actual money, for the wedding in some circles it's still the case that the bride's parents fund it, whereas it's not their "job" to pay for their son's wedding. This also depends on the age of the couple when they marry.

For the house project, my parents have helped both DSis and I over the years, but it's been according to need at the time rather than exactly equally. E.g. when they paid for my sister's double glaxing they didn't give me an equal gift at the same time, because I wasn't doing anything on the house at that time, but did help me with another project later.

I've no idea if it's worked out more or less equal over the years, although I suspect it has.

DP is Ok with things, as he should be. Why on earth do you think you're entitled to more?

These sort of posts make me dislike the OP intensely

It's not your place to be upset by the discrepancy, it's your partner's. If he's happy, then there's no problem. If your parents gave you some money which was less than his parents are giving you, would you not thank them?
My Dh's parents have propped his brother up financially for his entire life. It's never occurred to me to be angry that we don't get the same. I still thank them profusely if they pick up a restaurant bill etc.

I would send a brief message of thanks, calling out the sum in question, i.e. Thank you very much for gifting us £500 towards our wedding fund. You don't need to be effusive and it clearly sets out their contribution (for future, in case they start down the "we gave you so much and basically paid for your wedding" type complaints you see on here). Seeing it reflected back in black and white may also bring home to them how unfair they have been to their children. Maybe...

Personally I’d just be grateful for any money I did get.

OP comparison is the theft of joy! End of.

You seem acutely entitled and put out at the loss of the financial difference not of the gift in front of you.
give your head a wobble and stop being an ungrateful disrespectful brat of a DIL.

This sort of post makes me feel similar about the pp.

Well if you feel so strongly, then say no thanks to the money! You cannot take it and not say thank you. Or tell your DH to keep it all in his name and invest separately.
What did your own parents give?

Honestly, it's weird that you have any feelings at all beyond gratefulness.

They gave what they wanted to give, or had to give, to their children. You're not entitled to any of that at all.

Very childish, IMO.

This but he can sign it from you both.

Will they even things up in the future? Sounds like they promised more than they can now afford. I think it's glass half full time you didn't get what you hoped for and expected, but you got something. Lots of people get nothing.