TW Son sexually assaulted- need a hand hold

[namechangedforthis27]

I am going to keep details brief so that it isn’t outing but have NC anyway.

My youngest son (9) was sexually assaulted by an older child at the weekend. Social services and police were informed immediately and my son told me what had happened straight after. He had said it has never happened before when he has spent time with this child, who is not a relative thankfully so we never have to see them again hopefully.

School, police and social services have been great and very supportive. DS seems ok overall apart from the odd comment and we are just having chats where I am reiterating it is not his fault and that he didn’t do anything wrong and that I believe him.

I am spiralling a bit, worrying for the future. I am scared he starts harmful sexual behaviour because of what has happened to him, I’m scared he won’t be able to trust friends anymore, I’m scared he is vulnerable to something happening again and scared that he may do something in copying the behaviour. I’m scared that his emotional wellbeing is going to suffer as he grows up and realises what has happened.

does anyone know of some specific resources (already done NSPCC before it even happened which I am aware of through work, but obviously it didn’t stop it from happening) for supporting him and also for me? I am able to hold it together around DC and was calm while police talked to DS but I am crying a lot otherwise. I just feel dazed and so sad.
Has anyone been through this and what helped your DC?

I am so very sorry for you both. I haven't read your post OP, just the headline. I scrolled down quickly to metaphorically hold your hand. My child, although older than yours, is a survivor of sexual violence. I can't read anything about the topic as it is still far too triggering. Contact your local SARC if you haven't already. We were appointed a CYPSVA & she was brilliant.
Apologies I am of no use but I am sending much love & thinking of you.

First of all, well done for being side by side with him and managing this so well. I’m sorry you have to go through this with him, poor boy.

I don’t have specific recommendations but want to reassure you about his future behaviour. Yes, he has experienced a trauma and may need support to manage his processing of it on and off into adulthood, as he grows through different experiences and phases of his own development.

However, some of the scarier ideas about him behaving similarly towards others are not a significant likelihood, imo. This was a one off experience. Not at all like a child groomed and abused over a sustained period of time. I don’t think it will impact him the way you fear.

And I feel like I should have added love and support into my post, sorry. I intended to!

Oh no your poor son!! 💔💔

How brave of him to come and immediately tell you!
You are obviously a wonderful parent.

Please do not fret over him growing up to be a sexual abuser.
Yes most sexual abusers were abused themselves but not everyone that was abused end up being abusive - many go the opposite way.
The fact that he told someone and he’s getting help for it, means he is very low risk of it ever happening.

Don’t worry about the future at all.
Just focus on the here and now.

You are all doing everything correctly.

I’m so sorry your son had to go through this 💐

Therapist

hopefully SS will be able to recommend one for this situation

Thank you all for the reassurance. I am not really thinking straight and cannot bear to think of my sweet baby being harmed. It has been really traumatic and i am feeling so anxious but your responses have calmed me a little.

That is totally understandable. At the moment, your focus is on your little boy. When you can, please do some self care. Get some therapeutic support, counselling, relaxation therapies- whatever you can to help you look after yourself so you can keep on supporting your son. 💐

I’m so sorry this has happened, OP. I don’t have recommendations of support services, but I stopped here to say that an old partner of mine (we were together for a decade), was sexually assaulted when he was around the same age, also by an older friend. He received ample support from parents, school and I think a school counsellor (may have been external) and he led a completely normal life and had an excellent outlook and processing of it. It wasn’t swept under the rug, it wasn’t minimised, and it was addressed properly. I am still in touch with him now – 15yrs after we split – and he is still fine.

This is exactly what I was hoping to hear. DS has been fine tonight, we’ve been having snuggles and doing some crafts.
Thank you.

I’m so sorry OP. I should think the worst thing would be to brush it under the carpet. (I mean once the police have finished dealing with it.) In general, people don’t like to talk about sexual abuse. Unfortunately, that can leave the victim/survivor feeling dirty and ashamed.

I knew someone who was brutally raped when she was 20. She used to say that talking about it helped. Her family and friends kept it out in the open. They allowed her to talk about it, and she allowed them to vent their rage. It didn’t turn into a taboo, in other words, or a dirty little secret. She said it helped enormously.

I am no expert, of course, and I may be talking nonsense. You are very sensible to seek out professional advice. My best wishes OP x

I was SA on one occasion when I was a bit younger than your son (by a child a bit older). It did impact me as I got older in so much as I worried about it (like constantly! Couldn’t sleep. Catastrophised as a tween/teen) but that was because I didn’t ever* (told someone late 20s and will speak about it now) tell anyone and so I worried ‘unnecessarily’ about the consequences (pregnancy/stds etc) of what happened for years. I think - had I been able to talk to a trusted adult about it - I would have probably coped a lot better than I did. And, honestly, I have coped.

I feel my kids (tweens) tell me everything, but - honestly - I worry that they would bottle such an awful experience up for a long time first so well done for being such a loving, open mother that your son can come to you so quickly. You must have another level of trust. He is so unlucky that this has happened but so lucky to have you. So much strength - what an awful thing to have happened.

He has struggled to get to sleep tonight. He often does take a while to drift off to be fair so I might be overthinking it. He seems to be finding it hard to switch his mind off though.
I just want to let myself have a big cry but have to wait til he is definitely settled.
Thank you for your messages. They are helping a lot.

My son was a victim of COCSA at the same age, unfortunately it wasn't just a one off and only came out when they were taught sex education in school and he realised what had happened to him.
We took advantage of every single chance we had for counselling, cahms, school and social services referred us to specialist counselling too. They gave my husband counselling too as he was the one who sat through all the interviews with the police, I wasn't strong enough for that.
At nearly 13 now he has his moments of rebellion, he did self harm a handful of times and plain teenage behaviour, but every counsellor has said he has processed it incredibly well. Considering we still live next door to his abuser and they also attend the same school.
He has nothing but pity now really for his abuser, the house he lives in is incredibly unstable and there's been a lot of abuse in the house between the adults and at times towards the children.

I know things look scary right now and your heart is breaking for your son, but they're so resilient and flexible in their thinking at this age. He's already proven how incredibly brave he is and what a great relationship you have by being able to come straight to you. Just take all the help you're offered and don't be afraid to push for more if you think he needs it.

I am so sorry you have been through that and that th perpetrator is next door.
This is another source of worry as the other child lives locally so I understand the continuing trauma that must cause for you all.