Was I being disrespectful or tactless here?

[JMSA]

I have a second job on weekends. I work as a private carer for an elderly, wealthy gentleman. We have a good rapport and I work very hard when I’m at his place. The work is well-paid. For some of his carers, it’s their only job. But I work full-time through the week, so do the caring role only for a few hours at the weekend.
I’m a kind and empathic person, who would never mean to offend. But I seem to have put my big foot in it twice now 😳 He’s a nice man but can be self-absorbed. Late 80s, some physical frailty but no dementia.
When chatting to him one morning recently, I innocently asked him who was going to be on shift that evening. I thought nothing of it. But he got really annoyed and said that the carers should want to be there, and that ‘shift’ made it sound too much like a job. He accepted that it is a job, insofar as we get paid for it. But he actually said to me that he doesn’t want any carers who see it that way.
I apologised for my use of the ‘s’ word and made sure not to use it again!
Last night over dinner, I mentioned that a new carer was a great addition to the ‘team.’ He took umbrage again over my use of that word. Said it makes us sound like employees again. And that said carer is a good person to have around, without the need for ‘team’ being added. I explained that I see team as a close-knit thing but did admit that it could sound a bit corporate.
Jesus. If he really knew me, he’d know that I would never mean to be offensive. I go the extra mile for him regularly. I get that he’s sensitive about this. But isn’t it naive and possibly a bit narcissistic to think that we’re there out of anything other than being his employees? I think I’m possibly better at boundaries than some of the others, but I’m still friendly, warm, diligent, polite, caring. I just don’t appreciate my language being policed.
Am I being unreasonable?

I guess he is your employer and is essentially asking for a homely type environment. I would honour his wishes in this situation.

Of course you're not. He pays well because he knows that people don't actually want to do it out of the goodness of their heart, and by paying more he can be more selective about who works for him. Because it is work.

Yabu from my perspective.

But I do. Of course. It couldn’t be any more of a homely set-up. I just don’t like being made to feel that my innocent comments are in some way an insult!

If my comments were intended to upset, then of course I’d agree with you.

I was mostly with you until the ‘I don’t appreciate my language being policed’, he is your employer and service user, if he prefers you not to refer to the staff members in a certain way then that’s exactly his right. It’s his home and him paying for the wages, just be mindful of his feelings. Calling him narcissistic suggests that you aren’t as caring and empathetic as you think.

YANBU he doesn’t like the fact that he has to pay for personal care. He’d like devoted retainers, preferably who have been in the family for generations and can contemplate no other life. Anything else emphasises his vulnerability.

People who have carers in are often quite sensitive to this sort of thing.

they know and you know that you are doing it because you are paid. But it is one of those jobs like teacher and counsellor where part of the job is to be aware of the needs of the person you are working with and adapting your style to them.

and honestly, if the only thing bugging you about this is that he doesn’t like corporate style jargon then he’s probably quite easy to care for.

Why does that make the man unreasonable?

Didn’t you post about this guy before? That he was taking some of his other carers, who did less work but more chatting with him, on holiday with him? You were cross because you felt you worked harder than the people he was taking.

I suppose this is your answer. He wants the illusion of friendship rather than paid employee?

im an elderly nurse so can kind of see it from his perspective. A lot of elderly have a pride thing and don’t want to get to the point where they have to rely on paid help so with those words being used it perhaps makes him feel vulnerable that he has to have that help. He probably frames it in his mind as people popping in and company rather than shift work and colleagues which we obviously know it is, but if that’s his requirements for him to accept help then I’d just be a bit more sensitive to language used

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I really appreciate them.

Op, I have an elderly mother who is anxious and if someone mentioned shifts and teams around her I know she would find it hard. Do you think you could try to see it as him self advocating and just wanting to keep his own private space at home still homely even though he is vulnerable and needs to invite in others on a paid basis so he can stay there?

its probably just a bit of cognitive dissonance - he is old and vulnerable and has to pay people to look after him. He would rather not admit that to be true, and so doesn’t like it highlighted to him. If I were you I would just be more mindful of the words you use, in order to help him feel comfortable with the situation.
I am still young, but I know that I will hate having to be cared for.

I think you suck it up and adjust your language. He’s your employer, within reason you do as he asks.

His motivation is none of your business really.

I don't think that you were either, he sounds a bit 'fussy' to me.
It would have made me feel awkward too but you know how he thinks now and you apologised so i would forget about it and move on.

It's his pride, people are in his home and he doesn't want it feel like a work environment for that very reason. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I do think that part of the nature of caring work is to understand and respect the particularities of the person within your care. It's not policing your language - that's an odd way to look at it - it's expressing his preference for how he would like people to describe his situation. Whether or not it is work is not up for debate, but sensitivity in how it is described seems entirely reasonable to me.

I used to work with someone who fought in the Falklands War and would froth at the mouth - literally - if anyone described it as a conflict. Of course, it was a full-scale military conflict as it was never formally declared a war, but I wasn't about to make that point to a veteran who saw the word 'conflict' as demeaning to the sacrifices of the time.

Not using the word 'shift' or 'team' is no skin off your nose, but is something he feels strongly about. I don't see anything wrong with respecting that. Both as your employer and as a vulnerable, older gentleman within your care. Also really hate suggesting he is narcissistic for having preferences - it gets my goat that people bandy the N word about willy nilly, but it's really inapppropriate for you to make that suggestion in this circumstance.

I'm not elderly but have carers. Obviously he knows that he is paying you to be there, but from my own experience it does feel a bit dehumanising and upsetting to be referred to either directly or implicitly as a job or a task rather than a person. Needing carers is nobody's first choice and it is a pretty horrible feeling to be that vulnerable and then wondering the extent to which they're grudgingly being fake-nice to you or counting the minutes until they can leave.

I think you've totally overreacted to be here describing him as a narcissist. That's really unfair.

Referring to the time you spend with him as a shift makes it sound like something you're suffering through. If you can't see why that would distress someone, maybe you're not suited for this work.

Sorry about the narcissist comment, folks. I’m only echoing what one of his (obviously adult) children said about him. But I accept that it’s unfair in my position.

I understand that he is old and vulnerable. And I really do care! I’ll endeavour to be more sensitive, but the problem is that I never mean to be insensitive in the first place, so don’t know until it’s too late! 😭

I’d never mean that. I just thought ‘who is looking after you tonight/keeping you company tonight?’ sounded patronising. For me, it’s a work term. But certainly not drudgery (though I can see how it might be interpreted like that).

Hes nitpicking. He pays you and others to care for him. They work shifts.
Just smile sweetly and do the job. Because thats exactly what it is. A JOB

He didn't like "shift" and then you said "team"

You seem unable to grasp the vibe he's expecting and wanting

He is unhappy at being reminded that the reality is different from what he’d like, so he tries to get his carers to behave as though they’re not being paid by the hour.

I don’t believe that I said he’s being unreasonable. The question posed, was whether or not the OP is being unreasonable. I don’t think she is.

There’s a reason for what her employer said, which I’ve suggested. Whether providing that rational explanation makes him reasonable or unreasonable 🤷‍♀️. It’s understandable.

Just say 'coming round' instead of 'on shift' and call a new carer a 'new person in the house' or something. I know it sounds a bit much for him to take offence to it being described as work but it can be dehumanising.

If he's a decent chap who pays you well just modify your language on that. It doesn't sound like you need to walk on eggshells as he's not regularly offended by your comments is he? So everything else can remain the same.