Mental health shaky

[LCat123]

Hi everyone x

I don't know where to begin. I also don't want to make this too long to the point that I bore you, so I will keep things as concise as possible.

I moved to a small town about 5 years ago with my boyfriend (now husband). We moved here from the city as he managed to find work here. His work was successful and he has now managed to start his own business. I have watched him flourish; he has an amazing reputation around the town and is doing really well. We were able to buy a beautiful house. What could possibly be the problem, right?

When I moved here, I was only 24. I had just finished a degree and had no idea what I was doing with my life. I jumped from job to job; waitressing, shop assistant etc etc. I then qualified as a primary school teacher in this small town and have been working in small schools ever since. The children are the best part of the job and have kept me smiling.

I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, particularly social anxiety, and I have found it incredibly difficult to make friends. Because of this, I have pushed a lot of people away in this small town and, I know this is really immature, but I have managed to cause huge waves and fallouts with almost everyone who has ever tried to be a friend. It's like I have pressed the 'self destruct' button. I have had suicidal thoughts and keep telling my husband how much I resent him for having us move here. I throw it back in his face constantly then feel sick with guilt because he's the nicest guy in the world. My mum and dad and brothers live 3 hours away and I try to see them as much as possible.

I just feel so broken inside and alone. I want to be happy and I don't know how. We have been TTC for 7 months and that's not happening either which is causing even more stress and unhappiness.

Please be kind if you choose to respond...god knows I need a friend. X

... I should also add that a big part of my unhappiness comes from the feeling that everyone hates me in the town. That I can't even go to Tesco without seeing someone I had a falling out with. Feeling like people i confided in about my mental health are spreading rumours. I am a hermit in my own home and my husband does the weekly shop because I'm so afraid to be 'seen'.

The fallouts were over silly things; mainly me feeling paranoid that people were excluding me from things and just generally being immature.

I hate myself for everything I've done everyday.

Have you spoken to your GP?

You might want to report your post and ask for it to be moved to mental health ❤️.

@SMaCM Hi sweetie. Yes - I am seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist via the NHS. Starting to think I'm 'unfixable' though as I've been back and forth from therapist/counsellor/CBT ever since I was 16. 😖😢

It sounds like what you are going through is truly truly difficult. I don't doubt that a small town plus your difficulties are like circling around in a fish bowl.

Do you think a move could do you both some good? It might be worth discussing with your therapist and husband? It won't fix everything (you'll take yourself with you) - but a fresh start perhaps?

I don't doubt that you've pushed people away, but you'd have to be fairly atrocious to be permanently ostracised, but I live in a larger town - with forgiving types.

Anxiety is an absolute arse to deal with, and recent global events won't have helped, are you perhaps dealing with a recent dip?