How can I help my daughter fall in love with her horse?

[HeadFairy]

Two days before Christmas her first horse died from colic, he was her absolute heart horse, she’d ridden him since she was 7 at a riding school, and when the riding school closed we bought him. He was an OTTB and plagued with problems, lame a lot of the time, terrible guts, had lots of colic issues. But he was the love of her life, and a super safe school master.
Now we have a 5 year old WB who is very very green. He hasn’t even done a full year under saddle. He is not doing well in the school, he has no brakes, and she’s beginning to get frightened of him.

Everything has been checked, saddle, physio, teeth, feet. He’s a really lovely horse who has none of the problems her old horse had, but she just can’t click with him. Every ride ends in tears, and inevitably she misses her old horse tons. She refuses to get a professional rider in to get him working better, insists she can do it all herself, she wants to customise him perfectly to her, but I worry she hasn’t got the skills to do that (she’s 16) and failing to do that will put her off him forever.

any advise or experience gratefully received.

He needs schooling by a professional, whether she likes it or not. Unfortunately if she's becoming afraid of him, the ship of training him up herself has already sailed.

The fear will eventually put her off completely. It's so so hard when they lose their first horse so I really feel for her. If her first horse was a super safe schoolmaster, was a very very green warmblood the right choice for her? It sounds like she'd prefer something she could crack on and have fun with - is this an option?

Agreed she definitely needs some professional help, does she have lessons? To be honest I think an instructor/regular lessons is usually much more helpful from the point of view of rider confidence than sending the horse away or a pro riding for you regularly (different to getting a pro to break them in or school through a particular issue). I'm always very mixed on my instructors riding my horses, it can be good for them to feel what's going on but it doesn't massively help me just to see the horse going around nicely for the pro if I can't replicate that myself, so it's only valuable IMO if the rider is actually able to verbalise what exactly they're doing and why, which not all are. The show-jumping coach that comes to our yard in particular is a very 'strong' rider, to the point of forceful I'd say, without ever whipping or spurring or pulling or even really visibly doing anything in particular, pretty much all horses will go 'nicely' for him, I think it's just that he's so precise and so uncompromising in his aids he doesn't give the horse any opportunity to have their own opinion or vary from the path of righteousness at all 😂 - which works for him but doesn't actually teach the horse to go in the same way for me and when you ask him what he did he'll just say 'had a consistent contact', 'sent him forwards' and you're like, well I thought that's what I was doing all along! Works much better for horse and rider if he teaches from the ground...

I think the difficulty is at 16 they have their own strong opinions and interference from Mum is as likely to send her into a stubborn mess than help - in my own journeys of confidence with my horses I've found stepping backwards can be helpful, just doing lots of hacking for instance, or groundwork can really help a young horse strengthen up and the rider get to know them in a positive way so that when you do pick up the dressage or jumping again it all feels so much less of a battle - but I don't know how well she'd take that suggestion - is there another trusted adult on the yard if not her teacher who could tactfully suggest slowing down a bit, focussing on basics, strength and confidence (can be framed as for the horse not the rider although very often one begets the other) - 5/6 y/o warmbloods very often are quite gangly and weak under the cover of being very powerful and explosive, so an easy fun summer will probably do him the world of good so long as she keeps a lid on the energy and teaches him to relax?

Thanks, really helpful to hear these comments. She was making amazing progress with lessons on him before Easter, then the instructor was off for a couple of months with illness, and so we’ve seen a real drop off in his behaviour. Funnily enough dd did say she would be up for her instructor to ride him, the instructor is a very lightweight woman much like dd so hopefully if she rides him once to get the feel and then they can work though some kind of programme for him. It’s just she’s wallowing in a fug of depression about him again and it’s breaking that negativity I’m finding so hard!

Does he get plenty of turnout? If she's finding him tricky I'd drop any hard feed right down and get him out as much as possible as a start.

If her instructor is back up and running I'd do split lessons, first half with the instructor on board explaining what she's doing and then second half with daughter on board.

She'll get there, summer holidays are coming up!

I know you say everything but has he been scoped for ulcers?

Otherwise yes to professional help, the route you are going down you’re going to end up with a horse that’s got a reputation for being dangerous, she won’t get on and you can’t sell.

If he’s got “no breaks” and hasn’t been under saddle long I suspect the issue is a training one where he’s not really understanding the “stop/slow down” aid. I think you need professional help but also to strip everything back to basics.
assuming no physical issues I’d stop riding for a bit and get with some groundwork - esp long reining and really reinforce what you’re asking for

Totally agree with all that’s been said. Back to basics with professional help otherwise the horse will pick up on your daughters nerves and the situation will go from bad to worse.

As everyone above says - you need to be the adult in charge and insist on professional help/lessons for the sake of a young horse. If ultimately she decides he’s not the horse for her (and sometimes partnerships just don’t emerge) you need to think of his future wherever that ends up and a nicely mannered and schooled horse will find a better home than one with bad habits. It’s hopefully just a case of being a bit over horsed and once he’s going nicely she will bond with him. Good luck.

Wow this is so accurate as always from @maxelly 😀

I agree with every word.

We have a crazy mare who's too fast and strong for any normal rider to ride and we sent her away to a top junior showjumper who is a superb rider but also a very strong and calm no-nonsense rider who kept her in check and managed to compete her (although he did say she was tricky 😂). But that didn't really help when she came back because she behaves differently when ridden by my daughter. Back to basics and loads of hacking and flatwork was the only way to get her under control.

She is 16 and doesn't get a say in whether a trainer rides him. She is in a very dangerous situation and you, as the parent, get the deciding vote. She doesn't have the skill for this. She has been riding 9 years and has only ever owned an ex schoolmaster. A green youngster was not a good idea.

I would personally send him to a training livery who back and produce young horses professionally. At the absolute minimum, he needs an experienced horsewoman to school him and install some brakes before she turns him, not to mention herself, into a nervous wreck.

Honestly if she’s still young and has only ever had the one bombproof horse before, this doesn’t sound like the right fit for her right now.

What does she want the horse for? Is it just for leisure riding, does she want to show and compete, and if so is that dressage, show jumping, eventing?

It sounds like the best way for both her to get her confidence and for the horse to learn and steady out would be to go right back to the beginning together. Get someone who can work with them both on lungework and flatwork with repetition, repetition, repetition of the basics, and pairing it with lots of hacking out with calmer and more experienced horses and riders for conditioning and confidence, and a bit of fun.

If there’s a decent one near you, would she consider something like the Pony Club? Some of the training and camp might help them bond a bit?

It doesn't sound like this is the right horse for her.

A 5 yo warmblood is a project for an experienced rider. I’m not sure how you came to the conclusion it was a good horse for a teenager who has owned one horse and ridden that for most of her riding life. But you’ve got it now. So the options are either sell it to someone who wants a big young horse that needs an education, or buy the education in yourselves from someone who knows what they are doing. A horse of this type and age is going to need teaching and showing every little thing correctly, and warmbloods are not known for their higher than average intelligence! So there will be a lot of training. From my own experience (as a teenager myself, parent of teenagers, and coach to other people’s teenagers) most teenagers are much more in love with the idea of ‘growing together’ with their horse than they are with the reality of it. Your DD should not be expecting to have an easy ride at shows and competitions, or in new settings and situations, and she will not have the knowledge to deal with all the scenarios she and the horse may find themselves in. (I’m in my 50s and I had to have someone out to one of my horses a couple of years ago because I simply did not know what to do to solve a specific problem. But for the most part, I do. Whether I want to deal with a gangly youngster with no brakes is another matter!)

I think you need to have a very serious conversation with your DD about what she wants from a horse, whether this one is going to be able to give her this in the timescale she wants (I wouldn’t be expecting any sense from even a well produced WB for a couple of years yet) and whether she can provide him with the education he requires to become the horse of her dreams and more importantly can she impart the confidence to him that he needs as a young horse from his rider. If any part of that is no, I’d be going back to the drawing board. An unspoilt 5 yo with few miles on the clock and a nice nature is a valuable commodity so will sell. A spoilt one will be rather harder to move on. If you choose to sell I would send the horse to a sales livery, so the he can be presented at his best (if your daughter is nervous and struggling she will not present him to a buyer well.) And then I would go and look for something a bit more teen-friendly.

Yes, he gets around 10-12 hours a day

We haven’t scoped for ulcers, the vet said we could try if a professional rider/training didn’t change his behavioural issues. TBH he doesn’t show ulcer typical behaviour, but I know they don’t always display them even when they do have ulcers.

Would you consider 24/7 turnout now that the weather has warmed up?
Is he turned out with other horses?

I’m afraid you really have to step in and do the best for the horse. Your daughter doesn’t sound experienced enough to bring on a young green warmblood. The situation sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I hope you can sort the issue out without the daughter and horse coming to any harm.

Definitely 24/7 turnout with friends to calm him down a bit and no hard feed.

I agree with those saying this is not the right horse for her. Confidence is so easy to lose, and so hard to get back, it is just not worth carrying on in a situation like this, where she is getting more and more scared.

I've been there, and ended with the serious injury to prove it. I'd sell this horse, maybe through sales livery so that he can be schooled properly, and sold to someone with the skills to manage him. Then look for something a bit older, which is kind, and knows its job. She could have so much fun on a horse like that. I suspect she is feeling so negative, because she knows deep down, that this partnership won't work.

Definitely get good professional help. I bought a young wb as a retirement project. But I had underestimated the fact that I was a lot older than when I had my last youngster. After a year of making not much progress I sent her to a professional who specialises in starting young horses, usually for top riders. She also gave me lessons on her. Four months later she returned a lovely mannerly horse who had been out and about and was a joy to ride. Four years later, she is eventing and doing dressage and I absolutely adore her. Worth every penny for the education she got.

I wouldn’t bother with ‘professional help’. This is clearly the wrong horse for her and you would be throwing good money after bad while slowly eroding her confidence to zero. I would bite the bullet and sell him via a reputable sales livery. Take the financial hit, and look for a proper schoolmaster for her that she can go out and have fun on. Try not to beat yourself up about it, it’s such a common mistake I know so many people who buy green youngsters for their teenagers having overestimated their ability and it rarely turns out well.

I was one of those teenagers back in the day. I thought that just because I’d been very successful PC eventing (on a school mistress 14.2) I could handle anything, and my mum went along with it. I ended up seriously injured before my horse was finally sold. I’ve learnt my lesson, and will never be buying anything green for my children no matter how accomplished I think they are. It can be hard to accept when you’ve got it wrong I know, but your daughter’s safety and happiness are the most important things here. Take charge and make the decision for her.