The best way to help nervous DD?

[Parboiluntilsoft]

DD is 9 and really keen, but is being held back by her nervous temperament. I use that phrase because it is reflected throughout her life! She's scared of flying, swimming, parties, insects, strangers, you name it! She is probably ND and has lots of support generally. However, it is really holding her back around ponies and riding. She's been riding since she was 2 (on and off). I'm horsey and we've always had access to suitable ponies.

She has given up on lessons as she gets so stressed and anxious (even very pricey 1-2-1s with a socialist instructor). She got more nervous rather than less nervous. I think it's the pressure and the build up towards it.

We have a lively loan pony at the moment that I can ride too. She's angelic. We have access to a school, and good hacking. She really wants to do it but she panics so easily and gets stressed and it ruins the enjoyment. I just wish she'd be able to relax and maybe laugh at mishaps rather than scream or get update/frustrated.

I've tried encouraging her to give up ponies, to test her really, and she hates the idea. I do no presssure, hacks, grooming, playing in the school etc. I hope more time in the spring and summer may help. I just feel sad her joy is very limited 😢

Ah bless her, I expect being around the horses is really helpful for her so don't give up. I think with anxiety you definitely don't want to encourage avoidance so I'd keep doing what you're doing, keep her in a good routine of doing what she can on a regular basis without excessive pressure but a low-key expectation that she will take responsibility where she can, just being outside and around the animals and helping care for them is likely doing her good even if she doesn't ride at all or doesn't ride to her full potential - I know it's hard when she has what must feel like dramatic setback moments but I think trying to focus on the positives and what she does do well is the best thing rather than dwelling on what she can't do or isn't doing. I don't know if this is total nonsense but with my kids (admittedly not ND so this may not work for all), I tried to encourage them to think less about eliminating or ignoring those negative feelings of frustration and fear and stress which is unrealistic, and more working with/alongside the feelings, or managing the feelings so that you can do whatever the thing is anyway, or at least take a first step. Anxiety is a very natural and normal thing to feel, it's our brain keeping us safe, and frustration or stress is also normal when it's something we care about and want to do well - it's when those feelings go haywire and totally take over that's the problem - things like breathing exercises and expectation management/routines and you modelling for her how to manage stress and anxiety can all help. I also think ND/SEN or not a lot of 8 year olds do struggle with their emotions and vent frustration at their hobbies, and most do work through it to find enjoyment in them at the end so definitely keep persevering!

There's a girl in my lesson group who's a bit like this, clearly loves horses/riding but is crippled with nerves and is a bit autistic/ND.

She really enjoys preparing the horse then does what she can do during the classes ie walks, trots a bit and that's mostly it. The coach is very good and straightforward, never asks her twice or encourages her to do stuff she doesn't want to do and she doesn't affect anyone else.

I think for her the benefit of being with horses outweighs her fear and that's good. Hope your DD can find a similar balance.

I'm curious what a socialist instructor is like..

We have friends who have plentiful access to horses and it seems they are never as keen as the kids who don't have easy access to horses!

We had a friend who's child was super nervous and it took about 3 years to overcome. I would back right off. As you say it should be fun not stressful. Back right off and then see if its something she wants. She is young and its something she can easily come back to in a couple of year's time.

I had one the same. For her, a change of pony helped. Her old pony was lovely but they didn’t click.

The absolute game changer for us was lots of hacking, fun rides and hunting with friends. We barely entered an arena for months.
Out hunting, I just told her we were going to the meet and maybe a couple of fields, then she just got swept along with her friends and siblings. There were a few tears at the start, but she soon grew to love it.

She will always have a tendency towards nerves, but is no longer ‘nervous.’ Bombing about in the countryside was the making of her.

I also had to adopt a policy of never commenting on her riding EVER. This also worked but I now have lots of bad habits to fix 🙈

I'm very similar to your daughter but much, much, older and didn't start riding until I was 30. I've always been a nervous, anxious person and I don't enjoy doing 'fast' things (e.g. skiing fast, cantering etc.) Some of that is I feel like events are happening too fast for my brain to keep up with and I feel out of control. I think that was also at the root of my fear of flying, heights etc.

If (like me) she loves her time around horses, just take the pressure off, maintain consistency where you can (because change is bad) and this is maybe just me, don't tell her that she has more skills than she thinks. For some reason, that really makes me more anxious, like I'm disappointing the person saying it somehow. Maybe she'll become less actively nervous over time by doing fun things (like hacking) or maybe she won't but at least you know she's been having a fun experience over the time, and will still have a love of horses.

My riding world is smaller than it should be, some horses I've really loved and trusted and would do all kinds of things on, but it's very hard to add new horses to that list. I'll never be a competitive rider, but I'll remain a kind and competent rider.

Thank you all, so helpful. @kittykarate really great to hear your thoughts and story, thank you

Dd was nervous. What worked for us was to take the pressure off. She went back on a smaller pony. Just messing around with him. In the yard, ground work,playing.

Encouraging climbing on and off with no tack. At the end of hack, taking the saddle off, scrambling on, riding at walk and then trot home with bridle only.

Back on the bigger more forward pony now. Was laughing today at his need for speed, handled it really well.

It took time. She has no interest in schooling or jumping. Enjoys a canter but is not a fast rider. Just took time and no pressure.

Most important thing is they enjoy it.

You said your loan pony is lively - did you mean lovely? If lively, can you access a plodder for her? Avoidance isn’t good for anxiety, agree with PP on that, but sometimes 2 steps backwards is very helpful.