Life after my horse

[IveFoundOldBear]

Sorry - sad post, warning in advance, but I thought this might be a good space for this question, not sure if anyone might have been through similar.

In the coming weeks I am going to be saying goodbye to my 30-year-old boy, who I’ve owned for nearly all his life. I believe this is absolutely the right decision for him due to a gradual decline in conditions he’s had a while and I’m grateful to be able to plan with my vets to have him put to sleep and make it all as easy as possible for him.

I know after having him such a wonderfully long time this will be a huge loss, and that I will just need to be ready for this. At the moment we have no plans for another horse or pony. Life will be busy with work, study and two primary school kids but I still feel there will be such a huge gap in not being at the yard once or twice every day.

Has anyone any experience of filling life after horses? Quite apart from how much I will miss him himself, the lifestyle and the space outside will be a huge loss. I thought of trying to walk in the evenings, or joining the gym which I currently never seem to have time for. I know I will never replace spending time with my own horse but want to make sure I help myself as much as possible in the months after.

Mine are still alive but very old. Friends of mine who have lost their last horses have continued to be involved with horses by doing services, riding other peoples horses when they are on holiday and generally being around horses they still know. I’m so sorry you are having to face this x

I’m sorry to hear OP. I gave up for a long time for various reasons, and now just have one on full livery (and two on retirement 2hrs away) so it’s way less intense than when it was my job, hobby and social life. Give yourself time to grieve and adjust, maybe still go to horsey things if you enjoyed going to shows/events? I never stopped loving going to watch

When I lost my horse of 24 yrs I went to the gym. I was very motivated to lose weight and it really helped me. I enjoyed the variety of classes especially spin, they had a virtual reality cycle class which was a great escape from reality.

You just have to keep as busy as you can. Maybe ask your local rehousing stable or dog rescue centre if you can volunteer a day a week to keep you ticking over too.

Well done for making the decision for the welfare of your horse. Mine was an elective pts too but once I'd made that call I took pleasure from making his last few days as comfy and as loving as possible.

So sorry you are facing this, I have a retires horse although he's only 22 so hopefully got some more years left.

It is incredibly heartbreaking but I think you've got to take enormous pride in being 1 of the owners who commits to looking after their horse until the end of its life, instead of flogging it off at 16/17.

You've given him an amazing life and ara taking the responsible decision.

I honestly have no useful advice about how to fill that hole and you need to grieve first before even thinking about it properly. They are such a lifestyle decision that to face not having that lifestyle any more must be tough.

I retired mine last Sept and whilst I'm mussing riding, I only want to ride him as he was my heart horse. I've ridden a few others since ie of friends etc but none of them match up and they just make me miss not being able to ride mine! He is a TB and I've realised I've lost the use of my legs as I've ridden some which need more forceful leg use and I have no leg strength any more 🤣.

What I enjoying doing though is grooming for friends and even going to stay away shows with them. So I'm getting my competition fix by supporting them + just being at shows etc.

Thank you all so much for your very kind words and for all your ideas - there’s so much in these replies that will help me so much so a big thank you.

I do plan to use the gym and I hope I can harness the motivation as you say you did @HangryBrickShark (really sorry for your loss) as I have been wanting to lose weight and generally get fitter for a long time but struggle to fit everything in so it would be a good thing to move into some time.

I really wasn’t sure how I would keep the horsey element going but there are so many good ideas here. I also love watching competitions and we are lucky to have some great local shows and trials not far from us so I will definitely do this in the future - I could sit all day and watch at things like that.

I also have a big love for pony books and have a lovely online community of other fans of these and love to collect my old favourite series - so I can imagine that being a way I will touch base back into that world too - as well as as you say coming along to visit friends still with horses.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and your thoughtful responses, it’s much appreciated.

Volunteer to help out at events. I live fence judging at XC comps and you often get free passes for the following/previous day.
Had a lovely weekend at Belsay this year just sat drinking Pimms with friends by the water jump. Got my horsey fix that way.

You have my sympathy it is very difficult losing a horse , we have lost 4 and have one pony left who is on full livery . I found that the best way for me is stepping away completely as I get hooked back in .

I lost my old girl a year ago. For many reasons (divorce in progress, finances, DD demands etc) I won’t be having another for ages - as in years.

It’s absolutely devastating, I feel like I have lost my entire identity. Most of my friends are horsey and it’s like I have have stepped in to a parallel universe. I hate it.

It was the right thing to let her go but it broke me completely. The void is enormous. I don't want to ride other people’s horses weirdly yet, I’m too sad.

I do intend to have another one day but it will be 5+ years I think. I went to an event the other day that had horses at it, just walking past the warm up made me spontaneously sob. It’s the strangest thing. The grief is absolutely overwhelming.

I lost my old boy about 12 years ago now, it was a bit of a shock at the end but he was 24 and it was the right decision. I’d had him 17 years and I missed him so much plus I’d lost a dog a few months before. I’ve also found I gained weight as, although I wasn’t riding him, the mucking out, poo picking etc was a lot of exercise that was immediately lost and going to the gym then just wasn’t an enjoyable exercise replacement!

i knew another horse was not possible with two small kids and it was getting really expensive so after about 6 months I bought a puppy and took up dog agility! In many respects it’s very similar but so much cheaper and easier to train and transport a dog - it’s a really great community and I go to shows up and down the country most weekends!

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages and more great ideas. @FancyCatSlave I’m so sorry it’s been such a difficult transition for you, big hugs to you. At the moment my boy is still with us and we are all enjoying his last weeks so much and I’m concentrating most of all on spending time with him - but have joined my local gym which is very close to his yard and have been enjoying it so far as part of my usual routine out to see him so I hope it will be a good thing still to have to keep me popping out when I’m no longer going to the yard. Thanks all so much.

Aw that's nice to hear. Are you going to get a memorial piece made? I love the Wired Wood statues

Sorry to hear you're on the last days with your old boy. It's heartbreaking isn't it.

In terms of your question I'm maybe not the best placed to comment as every horse of mine that I've lost I've sworn would be my last ever, and every time the lure of horse ownership drew me back in. I can't say I've ever found an adequate substitute despite the obvious financial, time, emotional (in many ways) advantages to not owning your own. I have managed relatively long periods without my own particularly when I was your age with young children who needed to come first (although I did then buy them a pony, oops 😬) . I kept myself ticking over in the meantime with helping out and riding friends horses, riding holidays and lessons and hacks out on riding school horses - I know a lot of people are very snotty about riding schools but with the right teacher and right horses it can be great - helps if you are relatively small and able to ride ponies as most schools these days don't keep a great stock of bigger horses. But then like I say despite logically liking the fact of not having to traipse to the yard every single day without fail, no poo picking in the rain, no hideous vet bills and being able to turn up to a nice horse on a sunny Saturday, ride then hand horse back with no stress, somehow I did get pulled back to owning my own every time (current boy absolutely is my last though, I mean it this time). Would you definitely not get another?

Hello all, sorry to resurrect an older thread but just been thinking a lot lately about a lot of the chat we had on this thread and how very kind and thoughtful you all were in your responses to me at the time, and thought I would post a wee update to say thank you - and just in case it would help anyone else going through similar too.

It’s been just over six months since I said goodbye to my old boy and it’s been a hard adjustment as I always knew it would be - but I was incredibly lucky to be able to make his last days perfect and continue to feel so lucky for all the many years I had with him.

Lots of the experiences you all shared helped so much - I did join the gym as I planned and as some suggested, and it was actually a big help in the last few weeks with him more than anything else, was great having an outlet while processing the decision - though I have to admit it’s not something I’ve stuck to much over the winter, but I do know it would help me a lot and have good intentions of getting back to it!

I’ve continued to love at-home horsey hobbies like reading horse magazines to keep up with what’s happening in the wider community, reading pony books and chatting about them online, and have got very into a lovely hobby of collecting and sometimes customising model horses which has been an amazing therapy - particularly collecting brands and models I remember from the era when I was growing up and first had my pony when we were both young!

In more outdoorsy things I’ve loved walking, and visiting friends and their horses, and looking after our other pets - but the thing I’m loving most is volunteering just once a week at my local Riding for the Disabled branch - I started just a couple of weeks after I lost him and I have absolutely loved getting to know such a brilliant herd of horses, having a horsey fix, working with some brilliant people and chatting horses with them, and going through my training on working with the riders. It’s definitely something I’ll keep up!

We don’t have any plans at the moment to welcome another pony to our family, but I absolutely love having a weekly horse connection and all the ways we remember our own boy.

I know someone asked about memorials and that’s what the model horses started out for me, the first ones in my collection were some beautiful ones which have such a likeness to him - but I also did get a tattoo of him that I really love to have.

It’s still such a journey but I’m very grateful for all our memories and all the outlets to celebrate them - and for horses still being around in some way. The suggestions here really did help to get me through a hard time, so a huge thank you to you all for all your suggestions and kind words.