Lost trust in horse

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Looking for advice/thoughts. Name changed regular.

I have 45 years of experience in the equestrian industry and own 2 horses and have owned horses since I was a child (raised around them). Im BHS qualified etc so not a novice and always been used to riding different horses. A few years ago I had horrific accident off my gelding. He spooked and exploded, though it wasn’t actually his fault that I came off. I basically panicked because he was exploding so violently and baled out of the saddle, but by doing so I suffered some horrific injuries and broken bones- ambulance, trauma unit, surgery etc
All healed physically but the mental scars have run deep. I ride my other gelding no problem, but he is much more laid back and a bit lazy. Unfortunately every time I get on the gelding who caused the accident, who is more forward, I feel like he might explode at any moment and so I get off. He has a naturally very forward stride and is much more in front of the leg than my lazy gelding, so I am actually fairly sure he isn’t about to explode in reality. He simply feels so different to what I am used to that I think my brain is just anticipating it wrongly and I just cannot relax, which is the worse thing for him. He has been physically checked and tack checked and it’s been concluded that it was simply a spook that escalated.

Do I accept that this relationship is broken and that I wont ever regain the trust on this again? Or do I persevere?
Im currently lunging him and then getting on for a short walk but it’s literally a circle and I just desperately want to get off the whole time.
I’m old enough to accept if this is a situation that isn’t going to work, as much as I’d like it to. We do a lot of groundwork and this horse genuinely trusts me more than anything in the world, but I just can’t seem to break this PTSD issue with regards to riding.

Advice appreciated.

I’m so sorry you have had such a horrible accident. If you really want to persist, is there any chance of someone else riding him for a while, maybe whilst you accompany them on your other horse? If you are able to see that he can be an enjoyable ride again it may help with the confidence in your relationship with him and obviously your horse will be happier in more work. Or, depending on how far you want to go, maybe seek someone professional help with your PTSD?
I’ll be honest, from reading your post it sounds to me as though you already know the answer to your questions, It is a horrible feeling to not have the trust you once had and is just going to take any enjoyment away from something that really should be pleasurable. You have obviously put a lot of effort and persevered in but why persist with something that is just causing you distress? What would you say to someone else in your situation?

I'm sorry to read this but can empathise.

After I was trampled on following being thrown (ooh, a squirrel, so scary!), air lifted from the field, many broken bits including my spine, I've not gone near him or any horse since. I don't have the courage.

It's up to you and only you, and whatever decision you make will be the right one.

So sorry to hear. I agree it could be helpful to have someone else in to ride him (your instructor if you have one?) just so you can see him being safe for someone else, and also to keep him ticking over fitness and schooling wise.

But I have to say from my own and friends' experience that once the trust is gone it only very rarely comes back. It doesn't really matter how much you logically tell yourself it's fine and that the horse is safe, if you subconsciously you feel in danger you'll struggle to stop that primeval fight or flight type reaction. I didn't even have a bad fall like some of you have had from my mare I had to give up with, only a series of smaller incidents but I just couldn't shake this increasing feeling of doom. It was a vicious circle because the less I trusted her the more tense and stressy she'd be and the more likely to react, so I was permanently on edge looking for what it would be and so on and so on. Bizarrely I felt completely safe on my other mare who on paper was much trickier but I just felt she was more predictable where the first had caught me off guard more than once which is just a horrible sensation. I full loaned then eventually sold the first mare to a lovely family of teenagers with huge stickability and total sense of invincibility who did PC and SJed and lots of other activities on her all fully without incident which was a tiny bit galling, people fully thought I was mad to not keep the ride on her myself (particularly when I had to PTS the other mare so had nothing left to ride) but as soon as the loan agreement was signed I just felt so relieved and I wouldn't ever then have taken her back from the nice family...

It's great you're still feeling good on your quieter horse, personally I wouldn't keep struggling on endlessly with the other one, there's no shame in saying enough is enough, it's meant to be enjoyable at the end of the day after all! 🤗

Thank you all for your replies.
I think that deep down I know that I will never get over it with him and will never trust him. Annoyingly I’m very stubborn and there’s a part of me that really doesn’t want to accept this is it. How can I be this frightened rider when I was so confident and gung-ho years ago?
Young me would have just got back on without even a second thought, but it’s all so different when you are an adult with a bills to pay and mouths to feed. My accident was extremely traumatic and I had to have a lot of time off, which impacted my family greatly both emotionally and financially.
My gelding has a home for life regardless. I couldn’t part with him and I’m happy to just retire him if I have too.
I have considered asking my instructor to have a sit on him for me, but I just don’t know if that will really make all that much difference to me, because I know that if I’m ever riding him and he tenses up, those feelings will flood back regardless.

I’m very lucky to have my other horse to ride. He’s a special boy and I enjoy taking him out and about. Years ago I would have been bored with something as backwards as he can be at times, but he’s actually just what I need now. Though it’s sad accepting how things have changed isn’t it?

Confidence is so easily shattered and it takes a bit of your heart with it 😥

Quite simply life changes us through experience and sometimes not for the better.

I'm not the rider I was in my youth either. But I'm also not the person I was in my youth. I have more responsibility and dependents. Getting injured has far more consequences. I've also had a crushing fall in the past and lost confidence. I would still force myself to ride horses that were sharp to try and prove I still could. I am also stubborn and battled my fear. All I found is that it doesn't make riding much fun.

I decided a few years ago to change my mindset and fully embrace the middle age wimpy version of me. I have a fat pudding of a Cob. He's not winning any prizes but he's not going to kill me. He hacks and hunts and is a bit of a dude. He pootles along at the back of the field and let's me swig my hip flask. Pops 70cm but nopes out if its much higher.

I love it. I'm not sad. I'm not going to apologize to anyone who thinks he's backwards or boring. His only job is to be my horse. So long as I like riding him that's all that matters. I also sometimes say the same about my husband......

If I was you I'd ride the horse you enjoy riding. Find someone else to ride the gelding.

In your position if I could afford to I would just keep him and not ride.
I wouldn't rush or push yourself to do anything that you're going to find stressful as it will only exacerbate the problem. Enjoy your lazy horse and maybe get a sharer for the other?

I know how you feel. I've been there too. The problem is that it sounds like he did not have any reason to explode like he did, so realistically it could happen again. That makes it a totally rational fear. I spent two years getting my confidence back after a nasty fall, and I only managed it because I wasn't riding the horse that had bucked me off. As you say confidence is so easy to lose, and so hard to recover. It also gets harder as you get older and less likely to bounce. For me the risk of it happening again would be too much, and I would stick with the other horse that you feel safe on.

I am so sorry you had such a terrible accident OP. I know a few people this has happened to and really knocked their confidence. Don't be too hard on yourself. I am nearly 50 and don't ride anymore. When i was young i got on anything and i mean anything. Now i would just enjoy a good plod. When we get older we don't bounce anymore and we lose physical confidence but there is so much more to owning horse than riding. I really enjoy yard work, walking them, caring for them, a bit of ground work when i can be bothered. It sounds like he will be great for someone else to ride if that is what you want. As this was a one off incident have your thought about EMDR, i know people who have found this very effective for specific incidents that have traumatised them. I think horse people can be tough and tough on ourselves but the fact is we all get old.

I would retire him or get a sharer as frankly even if you pay someone else to come and ride him at the back of your mind you will always recall the day it went wrong and with large unpredictable animals you know it could happen again , however unlikely it seems .

I had the same experience and ended up selling the horse. I just couldn't, in the end get over the fear and the fear made him worse. He's now with a new younger rider and doing well and Im happy and much more confident on a new horse. Significant injury is life changing, it's completely natural not to be able to approach the cause of that injury with the same confidence you had before. ...

Time and again I see people whose horse is behind the leg and called lazy. It’s 100% fixable and actually makes riding much more enjoyable all round for horse too. I’d honestly the sharper one and concentrate on making your other horse in front of the leg. I think you haven’t got anything to prove and being sensible and knowledgeable is knowing when to call it a day.