Awkward situation with friend

[sheep73]

DD 2 has been helping out an adult friend with her horse whilst friend is unwell. Exercising it, taking it to riding lessons etc. DD2 is a competent teenager so it has been a good arrangement on both sides as the owner has let us take him to competitions. The horse is lovely. DD2 has her own horse so riding 2 horses, school and various other activities is very full on.
Friend may well need treatment into the autumn so asked us if we could move horse to our yard for a couple of months to cut down her workload. I agreed.
Friend has her own family including grandchildren of similar age who can ride but they are a bit flakey and relationship with them is quite tense and up and down. So we have done our best to stay out of that. Grandchildren don't like to ride the horse as it's too much for them (their words not ours)...
All was ticking along fine and then the friend had had a rant at DD2 about grandchild is not happy DD2 is taking the horse to competitions and DD2 is lucky we have more money than her family for lessons. (Grandchildren also have their own horses...).
So all a bit awkward.. DD no longer wants the horse over the summer to avoid further awkwardness and to have more time for her own horse which needs some work. She feels we've done our bit and grandchild can do the riding over the summer. I don't want to fall out with this friend but it feels as though we're getting caught in the crossfire of their family tensions..
Any advice (other than run away!)?

If I were the friend I’d be turning the horse out for the summer. Or, if loadsa dosh, send to a good trainer to work on any niggles.

The current arrangement has become super awkward, don’t know why your DD needs to get involved in that kind of drama.

I’d rather not rely on someone who already has their own horse to ride mine, I mean it kind of has to not matter if your DD suddenly can’t make it to the stables (or can, but only has time for the one ride).
As for the grandkids they don’t sound a good bet!

When you say the friend had a rant at your daughter do you mean she was shouting at your daughter about taking the horse out or was she simply retelling what the grandchildren have said to keep your daughter in the loop IYSWIM . If it’s the former just tell the friend that you don’t appreciate her attitude and she can deal with her own horse because the arrangement is over .

floralmond I don't think she was shouting.. I suspect she had told her daughter about a competition and that we had taken her to a rally and I suspect daughter had exploded and she was relaying the explosion. She apparently said grandchild was upset and it was unfair..

I do think you have to stick up for your daughter here. If she feels that she wants to walk away from the arrangement then it must have been a pretty unpleasant conversation.

Id be telling your friend that you support your daughters decision, and you do not appreciate the way your daughter has been treated.

I think I'd just say to your friend that you don't want to cause problems for her with her grandchildren, therefore it would be better if your Dd didn't ride the horse any longer. That way you can remain friends and it gets you out of an awkward situation.

Agreed we need to back out as don't want to get caught in the crossfire...

I am quite impressed how mature DD has been about it tbh as she is quite young.

To try to avoid confrontation and blowouts I think I will take the line that we are happy to help out ad hoc and ride out with her but DD would like to focus on her own horse and we cannot commit to the loan. Hopefully this gets us out of it without too much damage..

It's a shame as horse is lovely and Im very sad our friend is unwell but I guess it was only a question of time before it would go t1ts up with grandchild and tbh they should step up and help out.

Well if her daughter and grandchildren want to have the horse then that is obviously the best solution . I wouldn’t be offering to ride at all moving forward .

I'd be saying to the friend that it sounds like the GC is very keen to have the ride, and as such your DD feels she wouldn't want to tread on any toes and can't take 'Oss for the summer.

The moment an adult tried to draw my teenager into their family drama, I'd step in and stop the arrangement immediately. Completely unfair on the teen, who has her own horse to focus on aside from anything else! End the arrangement, OP.

It difficult to tell from your op but you used the term “rant” which suggests it was more than a quiet conversation, but equally teens can be a bit dramatic too (not saying your dd is though op).

I am all for dc handling things themselves when awkward situations arise but at this point I would step in and have a word with your friend.

Point it out to her that she can’t have it both ways, and it’s unfair of her to take it out on your dd who has been doing her a favour and yes has benefited from having a horse to take to competitions.

Tell your friend that she needs to decide once and for all whether her dc and gc are going to look after the horse, in which case your dd will happily step back … OR …your dd will look after it without any hassle or pointed comments about her family missing out. There needs to be absolute clarity for your dd to continue with this arrangement, otherwise she will step back.

Yes and totally agree that your friend should not be bringing your dd in to family dispute. And the comments about money and lessons are totally out of line.

Yes the problematic thing here is not really the grandchild, yes they sound brattish and unreasonable but they're a child after all and it's not that weird or unnatural that they would be jealous of your DD who is both a better rider and has more materially than they do (although if they have a pony of their own they're hardly on the breadline but tell that to a 12-13yo). It's understandable enough that the grandchild and/or their parents would go crying to granny about how unfair it all is, and given the fact that granny probably (a) has a degree of fond partiality for their grandchild and (b) is sick and doesn't fancy setting off a huge family row, I'm sure she made soothing noises 'there there, yes it is very unfair, how horrible of sheep's DD to be showing off on my horse at PC rallies' rather than the morally correct response of telling off the grandchild for being totally unfair to someone who's doing her a favour rather than vice versa.

Where I lose the thread of rationality however is why on earth your friend, a grown adult presumably in her right mind, thought it was a good idea to repeat this conversation/ 'rant', not even to you but to your DD? What possible good did she expect to come of that, even putting aside how upsetting that is for you and DD? What does she want from you, as you say the GC doesn't even actually want to ride the horse themselves? Does she want you to keep exercising the horse but not in front of the GC or not take it to lessons/PC, is that it? That's hardly reasonable if so, and if that is her request she could have taken the trouble to frame it in a nice way rather than ranting about her GC and their troubles to a child who has no power whatsoever to help that and will only be made to feel guilty as a result? Or did she just want to vent, but again, why to the child in the situation and not you, her friend?

People who are sick and having favours done for them are sadly not immune from behaving like arseholes, so I think your approach of handing the horse back in a polite way is the kindest and sensible thing to do, it's generous of you to want to keep supporting this woman at all, personally I'd be seriously reevaluating the friendship if she'd behaved like that to my DD and certainly I'd be very wary of potentially putting my DD in the firing line again...

Let you DD bow out of the arrangement gracefully. While she might have the pleasure of riding and competing this horse, she also has the extra workload. I would let her concentrate on her own horse and lighten the load. She has done your friend a MASSIVE favour and if her family cannot see that, she is better off not having anything to do with the horse.

Just stick to telling her your dd has too much on and won’t be able to ride her horse anymore. If you try to soften it by saying her dd or dgd might be better riding the horse you give her something to argue against.
She has behaved inappropriately towards a teenager who has been helping her out. That said I do regularly tell my dc they have the life of riley, as I would’ve loved my own pony as a child. It just wasn’t her place to say it.

Agreed will tell her DD is busy with other commitments and sadly no time available for riding her horse. Just need to wait for competition in 10 days time to pass...

Well no,thats not appropriate. Don't wait till it suits you. Tell yoy friend right away, she then gets to decide if she will still eat your daughter use the horse for the comp.

When yoy do pull out, make no mention of the grandchildren. Simply state thay you have reviewed her summer load and have decided that she has too much on.

You cannot do this , it’s a massive piss take on your part .

@Floralnomad why is it “a massive piss take”? This teen has ridden this horse regularly for the owners benefit and even looked after the horse on their own yard. God forbid she benefits from the arrangement 🧐

The owner has ranted at her and for that reason she no longer wants to do the horse , you cannot be offended in 2 weeks time because you are going to a show you are either offended or you aren’t .

Not sure why your worried about crossfire here. Someone is being unpleasant to your daughter, stick up for her and stop thinking about the fallout on you.

Hang on, so your daughter has been helping this unwell lady with her horse, I take it free of charge, and they have the audacity to have a go at her?
are you sure the horse is the only animal in this situation?

@Floralnomad i am not the OP.

@BritainDoesNotAppearToHaveTalent I know , what I meant was the OP can be so offended / affronted that she wants to stop the arrangement immediately or she wants to go to a show in 10 days . It’s cheeky to use the horse for the show and then say we don’t want to help you anymore because of what you did 2 weeks ago .

@Floralnomad and I disagree, their decision that the arrangement no longer works doesn’t have to be knee jerk one.