Hi all,
I'll preface this by saying that it might be upsetting for people who have lost their horses or anyone/animal close to them. I don't want to upset anyone.
I lost my horse in June last year, he was 20 and had pretty much been on borrowed time for about a year, a combination of arthritis (diagnosed at 15, probably confirmation because he certainly didn't have a hard life!) and also early Cushing's which manifested in needing restricted grazing to control laminitis risk.
He was, in all honesty a greedy bugger and managed to destroy many a muzzle and fence in his quest for more grass. He lived out since retiring at 16/7 because he was fast becoming unsound when not medicated and I didn't feel it was fair to bute him up to ride him, and he was stiff and uncomfortable when he came in so I chose him living out and he loved it, having been a bit of a handful at times he relaxed and seemed to be settled.
The only issue was the deteriorating arthritis and recurring laminitis, after one escape he got into the bigger field and he got it really bad, to the point the vet told me to prepare myself because it could go either way but he was in trouble. He was electric fenced into a bare paddock with a field shelter so he could move but not too much and obviously couldn't eat. As soon as he felt better, with pain relief on board, he trashed the fence and was out again, he was then put in the yard, gated in and surrounded by walls to stop him, with straw and mats to soften the concrete. Luckily I was the only livery and the owner a good friend.
He did get devils claw and I also gave Bute if he was more uncomfortable with cold/wet weather etc.
After this episode he became more sensitive towards grass, and he also had structural changes to one of his front feet. He needed to be on restricted grazing for the majority of the time, away from his friends and on bare earth practically with poor quality hay. He would get so frustrated that he'd break out eventually no matter what I did, electric current didn't deter him, and if it was solid it just got rammed until it was small/broken enough to escape from, he used to jump out sometimes when he was younger and had quite a jump, but obviously this ability deteriorated with the arthritis, though that didn't stop him trying sometimes!
He just used to stand with his head down and was quite honestly, miserable until he was frustrated enough to escape again. I didn't want to accept it and maybe I should have made the decision earlier, but one gorgeous summer evening I went to check him and lo & behold the fence was wrecked and he'd been grazing in the big field again, I'd checked him 24 hours before myself and he'd been checked that morning, but he could have been grazing for 12/14 hours by the time i found him.
He could hardly move, his feet were red hot and he was obviously unwell.
The vet attended and there were options - more restrictions though, stabled and small paddock for a couple of hours a day 24/7, medication to help the arthritis - but he would still swell and be stiff, and of course this was just going to make him miserable, and it had to be for the rest of his life. It also may have not got that far because of the structural changes to his front foot and that may be made worse and unrecoverable.
I just looked at him, I had led him to the paddock and re-erected the fence and he just stood, head down, he looked like he'd just given up, like he couldn't take being in that bloody paddock any more.
I took the decision and the vet agreed that it was probably the best course of action, although not necessary at this point for welfare, it might well be if he didn't recover this time or if he did and then escaped yet again and stuffed himself stupid again. And that may well be him down and unable to get up or the foot structure collapsing completely.
I feel horrendously guilty, still, 8 months on. I feel like I played God and took his life away.
And I don't think I have really dealt with the grief. He was my best friend, we had been through a lot together, he was a failed eventer and I was given him, he wasn't really an ideal riding horse because of his attitude but I loved him and that didn't rely on his being ridden. He had trust issues at first but people did often comment on our bond and the fact even when eating etc, his eyes were always on me. We had some real issues when he was younger and I'd almost given him up a couple of times but I ended up with him for 16 years before he died. I had some issues at the time and it was like we were both misfits that somehow fitted together and now I don't fit anywhere without him.
I don't know what I want from this thread, maybe some reassurance that it gets better, a time scale from others who have been through the same? Reassurance I did the right thing? Telling I did the wrong thing to appease my guilt? I just feel lost.
But whether it's because it's starting to show spring and this would be when I'd be doing big grooms and spending more time in general with him, or because I've pushed it away and now it's forced it's way through I don't know, but it suddenly feels very raw again and I am struggling with it.
And I feel ridiculous because he was a horse, not a person and people lose people all the time, that's real grief.
I can't really talk to anyone in real life, maybe I just needed to get it out.