How long did it take you to fall in love with your horse?

[PaperDoves]

Do you love your horse? If so, how long did it take for you to fall in love? If not, is that love feeling important to you as an owner and rider?

I bought a horse in Jan 2022 and a year and a half later, I still don't love him. He's beautiful and well trained and a good type for me. He's not nasty in any way and is very safe. But I just don't love him (yet?).

Other people around me seem over the moon in love with their horses. It doesn't matter if they're the most beautiful horse on the planet or the ugliest nag you've ever laid eyes on, they seem devoted to their horses and I feel like I just haven't developed or am not able to develop the same kind of bond with mine.

I have another horse that I do love immensely, but he isn't the right horse for me (extremely spooky and knocked my confidence hard) so he's on loan with a friend, who also adores him. I can't bring myself to sell him because while he isn't right for me I feel a deep sense of responsibility towards him and want to make sure he has a lovely life.

So I do know I can love a horse... but how do I know if I just need more time with the new one, or if it will never happen?

Maybe it doesn't matter? But it feels really transactional without the loving feeling. Like, hey, I'm going to ride you now, thanks, here's a mint, be careful in the field so I don't have a vet bill. But without the "I can't wait to go see my horse today" bit. I want the loving feeling. I love my dog, I love my cat, I want to love my horse too!

Building a bond can take a long time and a lot of the time it can feel like a slog, especially in winter or when they are injured. With my current horse I loved him from the moment I saw him but he is fairly stand offish so it probably took him 12-18 months to bond with me and trust me, it is a 2 way process.
After 7 years together I am the only one who can catch him but he still doesn't like being fussed over. However in that time we have had issues and at one point I nearly sold him but I'm now so thankful that I didn't.
I don't ever seek to find a "love" feeling with any of my horses but I do seek to build a bond + trust so in the early months I make sure we spend a lot of time together (easy when all mine are on DIY) through hacking and just messing around with them.
If I were you I would stop waiting for that elusive "love" feeling and just focus on doing things together to build your bond ie just spending time grooming/hacking or messing around together.

Just a thought but are your horses on DIY livery or Full?

I think it’s easy to assume “OMG I LOVE MY HORRRSE” when you first get them but the reality is very different.

I have two. Very different. Both have seriously challenged me and taken most or all of what I have at one time or another. I don’t think either would have been kept by many sane owners tbh.

But when you fight for another living being, advocate for them, comfort them, care for them every day, and see them try their hardest for you, despite their fear, and you become a low key partnership that starts to grow, what alternative is there but loving them?

@twistyizzy he was on full for about a year, and DIY for the last six months.

I think part of it might be that I don't have a lot of time to just spend with him for fun. My job became extremely full on two years ago (hence using full livery) and with two kids and dogs on top I can't mooch around the yard all day like I could a few years ago. This is probably why I adore my other horse, who I used to spend hours with doing anything and everything (and nothing!). I've never had that kind of time to spend with the new one.

@RuperttheBearHug One of my friends sounds a bit like you! Takes on the very challenging ones, works with them, turns them into decent citizens and builds a very strong bond in the process. I don't have the wherewithal for very challenging projects, but I do really admire her for it and understand her bond with her horses is going to be on a much deeper level than mine.

I dreamt about my horse all night last night after posting this. There's definitely something there, just perhaps not what I expected it to be, and maybe that's okay.

One particular horse - never. We just never clicked. I still have him after about 15 years though - he didn't have a good "childhood" and has some issues as a result, wouldnt be easy to sell. He's much much better now, and has calmed/settled a lot as he's got older.

I fear for what would happen to him though if I sold him. I could see him being passed from pillar to post getting worse and worse, so I chose to keep him safe.

He had a few years on loan with a good friend who worked wonders with him, and is currently loved and ridden by another friend.

If he hadn't been 'difficult' I'd have sold him years ago. It wasn't the 'difficult' aspects that were the problem for me though.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. You're obviously very emotionally invested in your other horse, and that didn't work out so well, so you're probably just protecting your heart on some level.

I have one very straight forward, delightful pony. I like her very much, but I'm aware that she could be very happy in lots of different homes, which is as it should be really. I don't feel that "lifelong bond" with her. I have another incredibly tricky one, with loads of behaviour and health conditions. I know that I can never pass her on, and I worry about her a lot (and I'm actually a bit scared of her in certain situations) but in some ways a feel a more personalised, individual "bond" with that one. Even though I don't always like her very much!

I think it depends a lot on your personality and the horse, like with babies people will say they loved theirs instantly but you shouldn't feel bad if it takes you a bit longer!

With my mare she did really get to me from the moment I saw her, she was a rescue case and had clearly had a bit of a rough time (I'm a total sucker for a sob story!), to be honest she was not a suitable horse for me and caused a lot of heartache, I still love her though and she makes me smile every time I see her (I no longer ride her myself, she's on loan to a nice family). Whereas with current boy it look a lot longer, partially he's not a physical type/breed that instantly appeals to me and also he's not a 'people horse', he much prefers the company of other horses and he's not up for long grooming sessions or hanging out in the field or stable (unless bribed!), none of the things that get recommended for 'bonding' really! But I always knew having him on long term loan was too good an opportunity to pass up even if I didn't really feel it initially and he's been a star, very very reliable horse, does it all (hacks/dressage/jumps), barely a sick or sorry day, no drama with him basically and when you've previously had a horse that's wall to wall drama you really come to appreciate that. He still isn't and never will be a cuddly horse but he has his own funny personality and ways that you get to know over time and I do love him now although I couldn't tell you when exactly that started... I totally recognise that transactional feeling you mention, I felt that a lot at first, I don't think you should feel bad about it, I do think with horses to some extent you always have more of a partnership with them than the 'family' mentality of a dog, it's not necessarily a bad thing, so long as you care for the horse well and enjoy riding them then it can work perfectly well without there needing to be a sentimental kind of affection as well, although that may come over time.

Thank you @maxelly that's a really lovely and helpful post ❤

@PaperDoves i never intend to but both have come apart within days of coming to me and needed putting back together physically and mentally.
I’m not confident or competent enough to tackle all that without a bond to be honest. I have a lot of help from professionals. But both my horses I think i love enough to compromise my life to make theirs better.

I don't know, I think for me it was partly when she started to trust me that the deeper feelings of real 'love' came for my mare. She whickers when she sees me, she looks for me and I know that she trusts me (as far as she trusts any human) - and that was the thing that took me from really enjoying her to feeling deeply bonded. I think that probably took 18 months and I would say its still a developing bond - I've owned her nearly 3 years now

I loved my first horse from the moment I saw her , she was so beautiful. I do think having them on full livery makes it more difficult especially if you start off like that . My mare went onto full from DIY for the last 4 yrs of her life , she was also retired at that point but I still spent as much time as possible with her . All we currently own is my sons elderly pony , we’ve owned her for 24 yrs , she has been on full livery for the entire time and I have absolutely no bond with her at all .

I knew she liked me when I tried her out as she knew she was being sold and she behaved nicely for me and was affectionate. She was very much my type of horse. We had a rough few weeks when she moved to me as she was upset about moving and being an old mare she could have plenty of attitude. I wouldn’t have parted with her after about 3 months. When she died five years later I was bereft, I’ve ridden twice since and it was 10 years ago. She was kept at home, don’t think she would have liked livery.

She really looked after me. I only fell off her once and that was my fault not hers

I have just had my lovely horse PTS and I am heartbroken. I have had her for 20 years and she lived at home with us. She was the loveliest safest and most dependable horse I could wish for. She would call for me in the morning and wait for me at the gate. I really miss her. I have a rather sparky youngster who I am getting to know, but it's not the same. She is also very friendly and follows me around the field and I am starting to bond with her. I think she will be my last horse as I am nearly 60!

@elastamum So sorry for your loss

I really loved a filly I brought years ago. Broke her in and brought her on, nursed her through a horrible recurring colic. Sold her because she was too nice to be a field ornament and was too small for me. Kept in touch and when she died (still young) I was and still am devastated. Had her for 5 years and loved her from the start.

Current horse I actually really don’t even like, and never have. I genuinely don’t think he likes me either.

@Imsureitsprobablymebut so sorry to hear about your lovely girl!

Are you happy to keep going with your current horse even though neither of you are that attached?

I had this thought recently. Realised I adored the girl I bought 2 years ago whereas I'd generally been fairly meh about her.

She was bought as a safe hacker and that's absolutely what she was. Nothing at all wrong with her but I just felt she was a bit dull without much of a personality.

I've no idea when my feelings changed, but imo she's wonderful and I'd hate to lose her.

You dont need to love your horse, and it can be a disadvantage in that it stops you being practical when faced with vetinary problems or when you realise you can't cope with whatever riding issues arise.

It will be the livery and lifestyle changes for you I suspect. Not being able to just hang out as much. Could you find a way to do some fun trips out just the two of you? It doesn’t matter if not at this time in your life, it might take longer as you have less free time to devote!

@PaperDoves i thought it would happen over time but have realised now that it never will. We are going out separate ways for other reasons. I don’t t know if I’ll ever feel the same as I did with that filly, but I really hope I do as it’s special, it really is.

I friend of mine was in as similar position tho, wasn’t getting on with her gelding at all. A few falls & near misses. He was sharp, she was nervous and just wanted a fun time. They took it right back to groundwork & hacking and she literally fell in love with him.

This is no help at all I know !!

@Imsureitsprobablymebut ah, I'm really sorry to hear that -- I hope you find that special relationship with another horse. I think we can hang on to our horsey relationships too long when it isn't working because the line between pet and livestock gets so blurred with horses. For me it's just a fun hobby so I really want that lovely feeling when I hang out with my horse.

I also think the advice to go back to groundwork is a good one. Mine has been very slightly lame the last couple days so I rather randomly started clicker training him just for fun and wow, he's so smart -- he caught on instantly and loved the game. We both had so much fun so I can absolutely see how working together in a brand new way could forge a relationship. I think there's some hope for us now! 😃

I do love my horse, but when I'm busy with work etc, it can feel like a bit of a chore. I also haven't been that motivated to ride recently, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes I do wonder if I love him "enough" and if he deserves better? I make sure all his needs are met, of course, and he was passed around a bit before I had him, so I want him to have a home for life with me if at all possible.

I don't think I feel the absolute adoration that some people feel for their horses though- when I first got him, he could be quite spooky, and I don't think I've ever fully trusted him to ride. I think sometimes you just click with some horses, and it's okay to consider that your horse isn't one you've clicked with?

I just wanted to give a little update. I was away for nearly a week and I was bursting at the seams to see my pony today. We had a lovely hack with my friend riding my other horse, who was being a little bit of a nightmare, and I realised I really really do like this little guy and we're actually very well suited to each other. I'm not sure why I was so sure I didn't like him before, maybe I just didn't have the feelings I expected to have and therefore didn't let my actual feelings grow. I'm glad I posted though, I know it sounds silly to be fixated on not liking your horse enough but I think admitting it is what made me realise I actually do like him, quite a lot!

Aw, that's so lovely to hear 😍really glad you're enjoying him

I was about to post my thoughts on your original post and have now read your update which made me 😊. I'm glad you are feeling better about it.

I am really talking about my daughter's ponies as I am not riding these days so this isn't about clicking in ridden work at all, but I do think it is very very horse dependent. D's sassy Welsh mare was challenging at times, full of personality, great fun, and very easy to love, because she was fully 'emotionally available' if you know what I mean. I mean she told you clearly what she was feeling at all times. Not to say she was always challenging, she was hugely fun and they had an absolute ball together adventuring, competing, messing about etc. She has moved to her new home now, and D's new pony is much more sedate emotionally. He's very chilled, pretty much the same from one day to the next, and even though he is on paper completely adorable, I am finding him harder to 'love' as such because it is taking us longer to really know him....we need the time to really understand him because he doesn't show us as much. I already feel very affectionate towards him and he is so so easy, so I know we will get there, but it isn't the instant thing it was with the (actually more challenging) mare. Oddly the most affection I felt for him was not when he was doing a hoof-perfect dressage test last weekend, but was actually last night leaping around sideways because there were terrifying puddles in our outdoor....I think again because he was communicating with us and that really helps, and we worked through it with him and felt we'd achieved something worthwhile.