My horse died. Trigger warning

[Inapicklee]

I’m sorry I just need to talk.

I was lucky enough to move to my own horsey property two months ago. I started looking for a place to have the horses at home because I moved house and I couldn’t find anywhere safe to keep them (all dodgy fencing etc). Eventually I found a place and moved 200 miles.

It was a project house and I’ve been in between jobs so spent the last 2 months making it safe (think lots of terrible wire fencing buried in the ground etc). Last night/in the early hours of this morning, one of my youngsters broke in with my mare. I think she tried to kick him and got a foot stuck in a 5 bar gate. She pretty much snapped her hind cannon bone.

I am absolutely devastated. I’ve had her 10 years, I’ve never known heartbreak without her. She was there during my first bad break up, the loss of my mum, my second bad break up, everything.

She was a dream from day 1. I backed her myself. She stormed clear around Badminton Grassroots and qualified a second time although we didnt go due to covid. She bred me the most beautiful foal when she had time off due to injury. I’ve been bringing her back into work and I was so excited to move to my own property and get her fit for a second career in show jumping. She was so careful. She went over a year without touching a pole. But most of all, she was cuddly. She would groom you for hours, give little head massages and she never ever bit.

She was a typical mare. She was spicy and could buck hell for leather if she wasn’t happy. I remember a 5* event rider riding her as a baby and asking me if she was going to buck him off. But she was obedient, in tune, so cuddly and just wonderful. I miss her already.

How do you recover? I’ve cried all day and this won’t get better anytime soon. My magical new house feels violated. I’ve spent countless hours and thousands of pounds over the years to keep her safe because I know how easily they can hurt themselves but it wasn’t enough and she suffered a horrific injury.

I’ve lost horses before but I knew it was coming. Yesterday I was planning a show season and looking at hacks. Today she’s gone. I’ve tried to post a photo but I’m just getting an error message.

I feel completely lost

I’m so sorry - that must have been horrifying for you.

We always have a special one don’t we? It will get easier, and you’ll always carry her memory in your heart. I can still remember the feel and smell of snuggling my special boy. Be kind to yourself tonight xx

Oh I’m so sorry. Unfortunately I can’t answer your question of how you recover. I think you just go day after day. It’s devastating to lose a beloved animal, and it must be really difficult that you had no forewarning as it was a terrible accident.

So very sorry 💐

So very sorry. It is awful to lose your girl in such tragic circumstances. Just devastating for you. Thinking of you x

I'm so sorry. It happened to Vautour in the field; it happened to Kauto Star in the field. It happened to an unraced 2 year of my mum's in the field- a real sweetie of a youngster, out with his big brother who he loved. He'd broken a hind leg, high up; mum thinks they must have been raking about having fun and galloping and perhaps his patella locked or something (which it used to do on occasion). There was post and rail fence or a big thick safe hedge the whole way round that field. No wire in sight and the hedgelines were inspected for rabbit holes practically daily. But still. It happened. I'm so sorry about your lovely mare.

Oh goodness, I'm so very sorry, have you posted a picture of her in twittereventing? If that's you then she was a truly beautiful girl and the bond you had sounds incredible. I hope you can get your memorial made to treasure and remember her every day

I’m so sorry.

Break it down to surviving a few seconds, minutes, hours.

Allow yourself to cry and grieve.

Sending you love.

Thank you all.

@ticktock19 yes that’s her.

this time yesterday I was holding her and waiting for the vet. She was in so much pain. I just feel numb today.

I’ve been browsing horsequest but prices are nuts these days.

It does get easier. Mine died suddenly in the field overnight and she had been there through everything. All I wanted when things were bad was here, and she was gone

I read an article that summed up perfectly how I feel in one sentence

“Her absence feels like homesickness: I want to go home, except I can’t because that home disappeared, and there is no way to find it”
I still miss her daily but it's less painful

I'm so sorry. I've lost two to colic and another two to old age. Time will eventually dull the pain and you will smile when you remember the good times you shared.

There are companies that can make jewellery out of horse hair if you can bear to cut her mane or tail.

Feel proud your horse was well loved op. Just arrived at work (rural). Some bastard dumped a pony with tetanus here late last night. Vet came out and pts the poor suffering boy. Makes me so sad when owning a horse is such a privilege.
Sorry for your loss op

I’m so sorry - we lost one of our dogs in a terrible accident on Friday so I understand how you feel. Now I’m paranoid about all the other animals as I can’t bear the thought of any more loss just now. I don’t think you ever get over it - but the pain gradually gets incorporated into your life and becomes easier to cope with

@Kyse23 that quote is beautiful and exactly right.

Thank you

What a shock. I’m so terribly sorry. 💐

One thing that helped a lot was taking some hair and having jewellery made
I also removed all photos for a while as I couldn't look at them but then got a canvas done
Honestly thought people saying their legs going underneath them wasn't a thing until that day, I cried until my teeth ached

I’m so sorry.

Such a shock for you - I lost my oldie a couple of months ago and even though it was the right time for her, I still really, really miss her, that quote above sums it up so well.

I'm so sorry xx

This is so bloody hard and unfair.

I literally moved 200 miles to give her a perfect home and it was all for nothing. Whilst I’ve been between jobs I’ve been spending hours doing up the land and the yard, making it safe and nice. Now there’s no motivation. I gave up my dream job
to come here. But she was my priority and she always was, for 10 years. Everything I did was for her.

One minute I want to buy another horse, something to focus on and give me focus. But the next minute, it’s just too hard, it’s just too much. I don’t even know how to ride another horse. She was super sharp and spicy but after 10 years I knew her so well, riding her was like thinking.

I keep having to check the foals like every 20 minutes. Her ending haunts me, it shouldn’t have happened like that. She didn’t deserve that and I don’t know how long she was stood there in pain waiting for me. Horses don’t deserve to die like that, they deserve to die with their heads in a bucket of feed with flowers plaited in their manes.

I’m sorry. I’m using this as a sounding board because I don’t want to bore my friends. But she was so more than a horse and my heart is broken.

So so sorry for you

It’s awful, I’ve lost two to field accidents and both times it broke my heart. I’m a few years on from the most recent incident and I still look at the portrait photo I have of him in the kitchen and feel so sad. One of mine was a broken leg from a kick and it induces the worst kind of guilt - I actually had to sell the one that kicked as I couldn’t bear the thought of it happening again (he was the newest and wrong for me so he would have been sold anyway, but maybe not so soon). Try not to beat yourself up about it, the memories will become less painful in time.

Post as much as you need to and my PMs are always open if you want to talk
I haven't been near a horse since just because I find it too hard but I can speak about her now and look at photos. Weirdly I can't say her name or it sets me off

Grieve as much and as hard as you need to and do whatever the hell helps because it's the only way you get through it. They're never just a horse but sometimes that horse is your heart horse

I’m so sorry @Inapicklee she sounds like a fantastic horse that had an amazing life with you. We lost a horse to colic on our yard a couple of weeks ago and it was brutal, I was really affected by it and he wasn’t even mine- my heart really goes out to you. It’s natural to swing between one emotion to the other right now. Keep talking here if you need to xx