Loss of Confidence… any ideas

[Flixon]

In 2020, as a direct result of the COVID lockdown, I took up riding again having had a 20 year hiatus for child rearing. I feel in love with it all over again and at the end of 2020 I took the plunge and bought my own horse.
she is a then 10 year old warmblood mare, 14.2 ( I’m only 5’2 and 8 stone) . I absolutely adore her, and we have a really strong bond, but like most warm bloods she’s spooky, sharp and quite a handful.
I knew I was inexperienced and I had a lot of lessons over the first year - I had super fun with my pony, we went out competing jumping and x country, we even won a few classes and had great fun…
over the last few months I’ve noticed I’m losing confidence, I feel less sure even about the simplest things like schooling ( and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing) I’m avoiding jumping because I’m afraid I can’t stop , and all of a sudden I’m afraid of falling. I have fallen off a few times, but nothing dramatic and always jumping when she stops suddenly …
I’ve booked in to some more lessons in the hope my confidence will increase again but I’m feeling increasingly useless and incapable …

I always feel like this in the winter. I think it's because I ride less due to the weather and then I start getting nervous when I do ride. Keep having lessons as that will help but also don't push yourself to jump, just do lots if hacking out and groundwork to keep you both relaxed.

Lessons!!! Where abouts are you OP I may be able to recommend someone

It's not the horse or the trainer, it's a subconscious block caused by you comparing your younger, careful, ballsy self with the person you are now - someone with responsibilities, children to consider and finding out that you no longer bounce when you hit the deck! Think about a couple of sessions of remedial hypnosis; I've helped several people with the same problem (I have 5 horses!!)

Have you considered whether this horse is the right one for you? You mention falling off a few times. I've been there and slowly had my confidence eroded over time. I ended up selling and am now back to full confidence with a more suitable horse.

Are you having lessons?
Do you maybe need a calmer, more ploddy horse to get your confidence back?

I took a tumble off a slightly bouncy horse last summer and I found a few months on a calmer riding school "plod" made such a difference - I'm now back riding the bouncy boy with no issues ☺️

Eyesopenwideawake what is remedial hypnosis? I've obviously heard of hypnosis and know that it can be very successful. My daughter had it 3 months ago to help her stop smoking and it worked.

It's a "no trance" hypnosis (so the person is awake and aware of what's happening) that deals with specific issues by talking directly with the subconscious mind and resetting any outdated or unhelpful patterns of thought. I did an AMA on it earlier in the year.

We are a team. I just adore her and she has a strong bond with me, she is spooky and anxious but she trusts me and will pass almost anything now with my voice reassuring her. I couldn’t possibly, ever, let her go!
having said that, in retrospect, I probably should have bought a more ploddy horse given how inexperienced I was, but I have never been afraid of my pony, and despite the steep learning curve we have done loads of great stuff.
i haven’t fallen off for ages, but suddenly I just feel so underconfident and anxious …
I suspect lessons is the answer !

Wow you sound like how I have been feeling. I have a rescue cod (fostering) I have lost confidence, we are pretty well suited and I dont know why I have lost confidence.
I feel like I dont want to ride and want to send her back. Im exhausted and not enjoying it anymore (circumstances have changed too) but then when I do spend time with her I love her.

I think you've made the very common mistake of buying the horse of your dreams of the younger you.

I did it, 15 years an expensive pasture ornament and still going strong. Have seen several friends do the same. It is possible to come out of the other side with plenty of lessons and time. But it's also possible that your remaining confidence will be shot to pieces and you'll either give up or end up with an expensive pet.

It's supposed to be fun, is it? If not please consider rehoming your horse and getting one more suited. I've just bought my more suitable horse. In my head she's a bit dull but actually she does everything I need without any terrifying moments. I can see my riding her quite happily into my 50s and 60s.

I don't think you've overhorsed yourself necessarily (everyone falls occasionally, it's not always a sign of the horse is to blame). But what did really strike me in your post is you seem a bit directionless, sharp/spooky warmbloods are best with a job to do and hitting achievable goals are the very best thing for confidence IMO. I think you need some input from an instructor but I'd go for more of a coaching style that will help you identify what you want to achieve and then build a plan to get there, rather than telling you what to do every minute (that style can be useful too but ultimately builds towards achieving what the teacher thinks you should be doing rather than getting there yourself). The goals don't have to be competitive or even 'event' based, it could just be being able to complete a novice or ele dressage test at home or doing a trec style agility course or even just consistently having your mare working correctly for sustained periods of time.

Wrt to jumping, do you really want/need to jump? It's not compulsory you know. It's meant to be a fun hobby so no need to flog yourself into doing something you find nerve wracking. However, if you do want to, I find the best thing is to jump frequently, as in, every time you ride if you can. If you build jumping up to be this big, exciting dangerous activity in your head you are bound to get nervous, you'll be rusty and stiff plus the mare will of course find it more exciting if it's out of her routine and a rare chance to bomb around. I'd have poles and jumps set up in the school every time you ride, school around them and pop a fence every so often, doesn't have to be huge, small crosses and polework or gridwork exercises are fine, ideal in fact as the key is to make it easy and enjoyable. If brakes are your concern do lots of transition and turning exercises over and around the jumps, so say a jump or pole on the long diagonal, approach in trot, land in canter, back to trot before the corner. To make it harder make her come back to walk or even halt after the fence. If she tends to stop, keep the fences small enough she can hop over from a standstill and don't worry about "jump position", contrary to how most riding schools teach, you really don't need to fold forwards over tiny fences and if you do so too soon you'll actually unbalance the horse and yourself, so just approach the fences sitting up and with your core engaged and leg on, you then shouldn't fall even if she grinds to a halt, just make sure to release your hand when she does jump so as not to catch her in the mouth. Good luck!

@maxelly - thank you, that’s really really helpful.

you are quite right, I am a bit directionless and a bit clueless when it comes to making a plan. However, I can think of quite a few things I would like to do, and I can definitely get an instructor on board to work with me.

thank you for saying I haven’t necessarily overhorsed myself, I don’t think I have really, she’s basically a warmblood pony, not super expensive, just a bit feisty! My yard is full of people with ex eventers and mega expensive show jumpers who are afraid to canter on them, my favourite instructor (who is sadly out of action due to a bad accident at the moment) says that the important thing is that I’m not scared of my horse ( and I’m not) I’ve fallen off 6 times in 2 years, 5 of them when she refused at a jump and I went over her head.

today we did a schooling session with a few tiny jumps, my aim was to trot over them, and then canter over them coming back to trot straight after. And we did that, at the end we completed a ‘course’ of 6 tiny fences, but with me in control and her not bombing off … feel much better this evening 😊😊😊

Can I ask what sharp means please? I've heard the word a lot to describe horses but not really sure what that means?

I suppose technically it means 'sharp off the aids', i.e. quick to respond to instruction or external stimuli and fast thinking. The sort of horse who when you put your leg on, even extremely subtly, immediately moves forward rather than waiting for a second sign or to see if you really mean it. Which sounds like a wholly positive thing (and it can be, personally I much prefer a lively, intelligent horse to a dull, sour, 'you'll-have-to-make-me' attitude) but in reality it's often used as a bit of a euphemism for an over-excitable, dramatic, difficult to control horse. A bit like how 'reactive' is used in the dog world. All horses can have their days/moments where they're 'sharper' than others, but in general I think it's partially a natural quality/personality trait some horses (and some breeds/types) have more than others, and partially down to the way the horse is trained and handled (and of course very frequently what gets described as 'sharpness' is very often the horse actually trying to show they're in pain or frightened or confused).

Any horse described as 'sharp' would in my mind be generally unsuitable for a small child, novice or nervous person, because beginners naturally tend to be less subtle with their aids and can easily accidentally give wrong signals through becoming unbalanced or just lacking body control and awareness, so the last thing you want is the horse giving extreme or over-quick reactions to possibly misplaced aids. It can be very alarming to find yourself suddenly passage-ing across the school ona powerful dressage schoolmaster when what you thought you were asking for was a working trot transition Plus sharp types can very quickly become frustrated or anxious if the rider is giving mixed messages or isn't keeping them sufficiently busy, so 'sharpness' can spill over into tension/spookiness or even, bizarrely enough, nappiness where the horse downs tools entirely and refuses to work altogether. But like all else in the horse world it's a matter for opinion, one (wo) man's 'nicely responsive' is another's 'dangerously sharp', if your previous experience is on a riding school plod nearly anything else will feel really sharp, whereas I'm sure Charlotte Dujarin would find my safe schoolmaster really behind the aids and slow as I'm sure her horse are trained to go off a feather touch...

That makes sense, thank you. Was just a phrase I keep hearing.

It sounds like you are doing really well- these things happen, and you don't have to jump if you're not feeling it, or do things that are making you nervous. I think it's good to ride, even if you say "I'll just get on and walk around the school"- you'll likely end up doing more!

I agree with others having a plan helps. A good instructor will help you come up with a training plan, and give you homework and exercises that you can do on your own. There's also lots of people who share exercises online, which can be useful. Lots of people also share great polework exercises- get an instructor to teach you how to set up walk/trot/canter poles if you're not sure!

If you have a plan for your week in mind e.g. school flat, hack x2, jump/pole school then you can list different exercises or goals for each school.

I think, as others have said, with a pony like this if you just keep doing the same things or go in the school feeling a bit directionless, they can find things to spook at etc. My pony can also be a bit spooky/unfocused, so I try not to go around the arena more than once without doing something e.g. a transition, a school figure, a change of rein etc.

With jumping, setting a jump up on each long diagonal means you can get into a rhythm going over them but the pony can't build up too much speed- whereas a jump on each long side can lead to you getting faster and faster!

You've had a great explanation already, but my thoughts are it's similar to saying "reactive". So they will react quickly to your aids, and if you give a strong aid may overreact but they will also react quickly to external stimuli, e.g. out hacking, you may find if something makes them nervous they are quicker to e.g. spin, or start backing up than another horse.

Sharpness is all relative, but a horse described as sharp in an advert is generally one step down from "quirky"- i.e. only really suitable for someone confident and experienced!

@Postapocalypticcowgirl thank you ! I have booked a series of lessons starting next week, starting with flatwork. We have also altered her diet a bit, she only has nuts and alfa A but we've gone to a sugar free alfa A, in the hopes it will calm her down a bit! actually had a lovely hack this morning, lots of trotting ( at my pace) and no issues stopping !

I think by 'sharp' I mean both reactive to aids - at least to the leg ( which my lovely pony certainly is) ; but also generally "reactive"; a plastic bag, a squirrel moving fast or a misplaced twig can produced a shy or spin or sudden leap .. I'm getting better at having my leg on to reduce this, and my seat is good enough that I don't fall off, so I don't really mind this!. What I mind is feeling I can't stop when we are cantering, or that she's trotting super fast and I can't slow her...or that she takes off after jumping and again, I cant slow her down

Having said all this, she's a kind mare, she never ever TRIES to get me off, which she could do really easily, she never drops a shoulder, or bucks when she spins ... and she trusts me, and is pretty affectionate (for a horse) coming up to me in the field and whinnying when she sees me ...

It sounds like you are a great match and lessons will give you back some mojo. I find riding with other people really helps if ever I'm feeling a little bit tense on a youngster or sharp one. I talk to them and laugh with them (the other person!) which immediately relaxes my body.

It also sounds like you are most worried about slowing down which makes me wonder if when she is rushing off she is on the forehand and you're struggling to sort of rebalance her and give her that little , hey, come back to me check? Practicing lots of small transitions with your body/weight aids will be key here, both for getting her listening to you closely and strengthening up. And keep her constantly thinking so break down sections of your hack into little bits of leg yield or shoulder in, walk slowly, walk faster, trot 3 steps, then come back etc. In the arena ride shallow loops, ride really focused squares or zig zags (great for engaging their hind end). I was taught to never ever go all the way round the outside of the arena with incorporating something else.

Make sure she is always focused on what you're asking in a really quiet way, where she gets lots of reward for listening to the tiniest little signal from you, whatever it is.

And remember, lighter days and more time for riding are just around the corner :)

Just a little update...

I've now had two flatwork lessons, one on the lunge with no stirrups or reins! It went really well and at the weekend I did 40 min schooling session bareback. That also went really well, and that's a huge thing for me as I had become really convinced I couldn't ride bareback. We even did some canter work, but mostly concentrated on transitions and riding properly into corners, leg yields and perfect circles. My pony was just super good and is so much more responsive to leg aids without a saddle. I'm working on keeping my leg on, even when she is too fast to maintain the contact between inside leg and outside rein.

Thank you so much for your help - I think things are on the up now and I'm excited about the spring to come :-)