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Original poster

How to deal with kids and death of pony.

46 replies

Oogabooga123 · 02/02/2022 20:34

Hi all.

I have 2 DDs 10 and 7. They have an aged pony, sadly we’ve had to make the decision that his quality of life is poor and he is being put to sleep tomorrow.

The question is how do you deal with it with the children. Do you tell them before and let them say goodbye before school tomorrow or tell them after? I’m not sure they will understand as some says he seems like his normal self but other days he goes down to roll and can’t get back up, isn’t keeping any weight on etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 02/02/2022 20:36

Yard owner says don’t tell them and then tell them after he colicked.

Others say to explain that he is old and unhappy and let them at goodbye ( may end with my ex phoning me to tell me I’m heartless for doing that!)

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 20:41

After. Keep it simple, they are young.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 02/02/2022 20:42

Oh gosh. I think I would I let mine say goodbye. Even though it would be utterly utterly awful at the time, I think that in the long term it would be of comfort to them. I would let them take the pony some special treats and then be able to remind them that he really enjoyed their last visit.

Hugs to all of you.

OhMrDarcy · 02/02/2022 20:44

Oh that's hard.

I think, if it were me, I'd say that the pony took ill in the morning and was put to sleep in the afternoon as it was the kindest thing to do - but this is based on the struggle my daughter had with understanding why I'd made the decision that particular day.

Or I might say the pony was very ill and we'd have to see what the vet said but it might not be good news, so they're prepared for bad news.

Also depends what they might pick up or overhear on the yard later on.

Very sad either way.

Newfluff · 02/02/2022 20:46

Half way . Tell the kids he is poorly and you are seeing the vet, go out together and spend some nice time with him, tell him you love him. Be honest with their questions, they are old enough to understand.

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 02/02/2022 20:47

I am gutted myself, to top it all of their father and I split early January and eldest has just started her periods and they really don’t need anything else going on but I’m worried the next time he goes down it will be at night and I won’t be there to get him up, he just looks sad all the time and Has really gone down hill since September and I can’t keep him going for their sakes as I feel I’m being cruel to him.

OP posts:
HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 02/02/2022 20:49

As someone whose dog was put to sleep at that age and I wasn’t told until after, definitely tell them. They will struggle to grieve if they don’t get to say goodbye and will resent you for not letting them.

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 02/02/2022 20:50

So sorry OP - it’s such an awful decision.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/02/2022 20:50

I’d let them say good bye. Give him a cuddle and take some photos with him. They’re old enough to understand he’s not well. But at least give them a chance for a proper goodbye

LowlyTheWorm · 02/02/2022 20:50

Tell them.

confusednortherner · 02/02/2022 20:51

We've lost one to old age and knew in advance she was going and one completely unexpected to colic. The second was far far more traumatic! Saying that I think it's really unfair to expect them to say goodbye and go off to school and get on with their day.

HighlandCowbag · 02/02/2022 20:52

Oh gosh it's heartbreaking.

I made the decision a few years ago. I told my dd, then 12 that the decision had been made and took her to see dpony and said it would be the last time she saw her so to say goodbye. Dd didn't know it was happening the morning after just some time soon. Broke my heart but dd always says she is glad she got to say goodbye.

At 10 and 7 I would probably tell them dpony is very ill and take them to see him. Let them do all the naughty treats and cry into his mane. Then have it done the day after. Its fucking awful and heartbreaking and you will be devastated watching the kids one last time. But don't turn away from your decision it's the right one to make. Maybe do it a friday so they have the weekend to recover before school.

Newfluff · 02/02/2022 20:56

@HighlandCowbag

Oh gosh it's heartbreaking.

I made the decision a few years ago. I told my dd, then 12 that the decision had been made and took her to see dpony and said it would be the last time she saw her so to say goodbye. Dd didn't know it was happening the morning after just some time soon. Broke my heart but dd always says she is glad she got to say goodbye.

At 10 and 7 I would probably tell them dpony is very ill and take them to see him. Let them do all the naughty treats and cry into his mane. Then have it done the day after. Its fucking awful and heartbreaking and you will be devastated watching the kids one last time. But don't turn away from your decision it's the right one to make. Maybe do it a friday so they have the weekend to recover before school.

Agree with all of this. Also don't feel bad if you can't do it Fri and you need a day off school. Learning that grief is the price we pay for love is much more important than what they will learn in school
Malariahilaria · 02/02/2022 21:00

Please let them say goodbye. I'll admit I've only had dogs and cats but children dealt far better when they were told, taken to say goodbye and then were had a 'funeral', appreciate this might be ashes based with a pony. As a child I still resent the fake 'gone to live on a farm story'

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 02/02/2022 21:05

It definitely won’t be a gone to live on the farm story, we have lost a few pets over the years and I’ve generally been matter of fact about it and so have they. But They are both older and far more attached than they were in the past and just no idea what to do for the best, don’t want to make them say goodbye and then go into school heartbroken, but also don’t want them there when it is done for obvious reasons.

We don’t normally go before school so if I do take them in the morning they will be suspicious… yard owner is happy to let it be known at he yard he colic-Ed if that’s what I decide to say.
Eurgh this is so shit… our first time losing one of our ponies.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 02/02/2022 21:06

Are they aware that he sometimes can’t get up as if that’s the case I’d be tempted to tell them after the event and tell them it was an emergency situation . If you do go with telling them before then I really wouldn’t send them to school as it would be awful being at school all day dwelling on it . Are you having him PTS by injection as you could always let them see him afterwards .

maxelly · 02/02/2022 21:08

You're doing the right thing, they say better a week too early than a day too late... It's hard though Flowers

I think tell them the truth, gently and in an age appropriate way. I think see how they are and be prepared for them maybe not to be OK to go off to school knowing what's happening, they may prefer to though. But if it was mine I'd let them have a day off or be prepared to go and get them if they were really distressed (can you warn their teacher in advance?). Let them take some of his mane/tail (you can get nice keepsakes made), maybe keep one of his shoes and yes, lots of pictures. Do check in on their understanding of death, in particular your 7yo may not fully 'get' the finality of it or they can get funny ideas about it being somehow their fault or worries that others around them will die too. I always said to mine something along the lines of their pet was very old/sick and their body was worn out and that's why they were in pain even if we couldn't exactly see what was hurting them. So although it's very sad that they died now they're no longer suffering. Try and avoid too many euphemisms like 'put to sleep', again your younger one may not know what that means and worry about falling asleep...

nodogz · 02/02/2022 21:11

Tell them. Give them a chance to say goodbye.

No one told me my pony was being put to sleep until afterwards. I knew they were poorly but missing out on the chance to say goodbye was very painful.

ANameChangeAgain · 02/02/2022 21:13

Sorry you are going through this. Gentle honesty is always best. Flowers

Idbemonica1 · 02/02/2022 21:14

I came on to say what newfluff said. I think its a good halfway solution.
They are young but deserve to have a chance for a last cuddle, and it will be a good way to prepare them .
Thinking of you all xx

RandomMess · 02/02/2022 21:14

😭

Condolences to you and the DC Thanks

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 02/02/2022 21:17

@Floralnomad

Are they aware that he sometimes can’t get up as if that’s the case I’d be tempted to tell them after the event and tell them it was an emergency situation . If you do go with telling them before then I really wouldn’t send them to school as it would be awful being at school all day dwelling on it . Are you having him PTS by injection as you could always let them see him afterwards .
No they are not, luck would have it that he hasn’t done it when they’ve been there. They youngest isn’t horsy and rarely goes, he was my eldests first pony. When it has happened it’s generally when the yard owner does morning checks and so far they’ve been able to get him up, she has recently started to do a middle of the night check as we worry if he goes down after evening check (10pm) and can’t get up he could be down until 7am the next morning when she does morning check.
OP posts:
CityOfGunthers · 02/02/2022 21:21

I would tell them. If it's tomorrow, explain that he has been poorly overnight and that unfortunately he has to be put down because it's the kindest thing to do. I would be honest with them, explain in a simple matter of fact way what is going to happen, they are old enough to understand that it is unfair for him to get stuck when he lies down etc. It's part of owning horses and they should understand this part too. They might struggle to come to terms with it if they don't get chance to say goodbye.

I say this as a horse owner and a teacher..let them have the day off school to say goodbye to him, answer their questions honestly and allow them space to process what is happening.

I'm sorry for your loss, and hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible.

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/02/2022 21:23

I'm sorry, it is horrible.

Mine were similar ages when we lost our first. I told them in advance and they said their goodbyes but they weren't there for the PTS.
They have lost more since (planned PTS).

I took tail hair to get jewellery made

ThePlumVan · 02/02/2022 21:57

Tell them.

I’d rather regret being too honest with them, than lying to them.