Teenager daughters and riding

[Sticki]

Hi
I would appreciate some experience or advice from wise Pony Mums of teenagers.

How do you manage your extremely hormonal DD and their riding in a positive and safe manner?

So DD is 15 and Y11. She has recently started riding my new larger horse who is very green and quite sharp. I want her to ride and relax, especially when lockdown/homeschooling/exams are particularly difficult to deal with. However, I'm finding it hard to help her ride the sharp horse when she is very very defensive about feedback or suggestions to try to improve/change things. She has been having regular lessons with a trusted instructor but she refuses to practise and implement the suggestions outside the lesson and shuts down any discussion. She is also rubbish with chores which is very annoying but Im trying to pick my battles.

I have tried removing the riding privilege for a week for rudeness or if she doesnt do chores but this removes a stress management tool which has implications elsewhere. I have tried to ignore the rudeness and focus on the positives. However, as she refuses to implement the learning from lessons the very sharp pony is learning bad habits and could be unsafe spooking or bombing off. She also gets frustrated and cross when he isnt doing the instagram perfect outline, correct lead, refusing jumps etc. rather than trying to learn how to improve.

Im frustrated as she is a very good rider and has the opportunity to have a great relationship with this horse and have so much fun and learning but she is effectively sabotaging the opportunity. (Probably my feelings are particularly strong because she has every opportunity I would have loved as a teenager). She says she wants to ride and loves it but doesn't want me anywhere near.

I feel an instinct to remove the pressure to keep the stress relief but the safety issues of her riding the sharp one are a worry. She cant ride the old pony as he is lame. Another instinct is to remove the riding until she is able to manage feedback constructively but Im concerned about her dealing with stress and she will give up riding and sit in her room in her PJs on her phone forever.

Any suggestions? Thanks

Can you ask instructor if dd can send videos of her practising, to make dd do it?

Yes, @Haggisfish good plan. Teenagers love a video 😂

Tbh, it sounds like she's not ready to be riding a sharp green horse outside of lessons. It's not fair on the pony, safety issues aside, to be used as a pressure relief valve for a teenager. I'd go with your second instinct, of restricting unsupervised riding until you can get her onside. She really needs to build the self-control to put aside her frustrations and approach schooling the pony thoughtfully. Are you able to have a very frank talk about it with her and her instructor together?

My initial thought is that this isn't fair on the horse. If she is too defensive to listen to you, she shouldn't be on him/her. She needs to find some other hobbies to be stress relievers in the meantime. If this only impacted her it wouldn't be a big deal, but we're talking about an animal, and a very strong one at that.

Thanks @twinklespells and @Trivium4all for your replies.

I agree completely, the pony and safety come first. I'll try to get lovely instructor more involved.

Ah teenagers, you have my sympathy. At least she still wants to ride and isn't just glued to her phone or constantly out with her mates! I agree with others, either she's essentially safe to ride the horse without constant supervision and feedback and work through any issues in her own way, which may not be perfect or even correct but which are unlikely to cause either of them any long term harm (and which of us can say that we didn't make lots of mistakes or get frustrated the first time we had a young or green horse to bring on), in which case I'd say let her crack on, get her lots of lessons and try not to interfere too much in the meantime, or she's actively causing or unable to cope with dangerous behavior in which case I'd say she needs to only ride the horse with her instructor there, if at all - to be honest a dangerously sharp horse is unlikely to be much of a stress reliever for her in any case and it's a lot to ask of a teenager to bring on a youngster. I know lots of them think they are ready and are keen (when they haven't experienced it for themselves!) and with the market the way it is it's hard to get a competition horse any other way unless your budget is huge, but training a horse from scratch requires a lot of patience, persistence and ability to manage your own emotions and expectations, which a lot of (I'd even say the vast majority of) teenagers would struggle with without a lot of help, and if she isn't able to accept this from you then she may just find it more and more frustrating as time goes on (and to be fair to her I think even as a supposedly grown woman I think I'd be pretty fed up with my dear old mum 'bossing me around'/shouting instructions from the sidelines when I rode, however much I needed the help , just a mother/daughter thing I think!).

I'd ask your instructor privately which of the two it is, if it's the former some serious thought needs to be given to what you do, possibly sending him off for some schooling to get him to a better/calmer place may be an option although will cost £££, or perhaps he isn't the right horse for her right now? The step up from ponies to horses is notoriously a tough one, just because they are physically tall enough to need a big horse doesn't mean they are mentally ready, and all the confidence/experience in the world on ponies doesn't necessarily prepare them for the difference in riding a fully powered competition horse, especially one that is green or sharp. It doesn't mean they are bad riders at all or won't get there in time but it's easy to forget when they are blardy giants that they are still kids inside really!

You may need to seriously think about finding him another home or only riding himself yourself if he's yours, and getting her something that's more intermediate, a steady eddie schoolmaster type that can really show her the ropes, let her experience some low-level competition success and will put up with any diva-ish behaviour would be a godsend really? Or in the meantime, on our yard anyway, lightweight and brave teenagers never lack for rides albeit more usually on kids ponies that need a spot of 'bootcamp' or fat cobs that need to work harder, than on the gorgeous competition types they'd probably rather be riding , so can you ask around and see if there's anyone that would be willing to let her ride a few times a week in exchange for some jobs so she doesn't lose out on riding time?

Ride him yourself if she can't follow suggestions from instructor, when you're sailing round doing a perfect canter or off hacking in the woods she'll probably change her tune?
Either that or this horse isn't really working out for her, maybe she's just not that into it.....if you are, why shouldn't you take over the ride?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Lots to think about, thanks for the reasonable and rational advice. Teenagers, ponies and a pandemic - not a good combination!

It's such a shame that the old pony is lame as he would have enabled her to still have fun and let her hair down during homeschooling before she is more mentally ready for the step up.
Yes the sharp one is mine so I'll keep developing (and enjoying) him.
Take care, all in this grim and crazy January.

Having gone thru the teenage daughter thing, I would suggest you back off. However experienced & knowledgeable you are re horse, you are Mum and are bitterly resented by the hormonal teenage mind. Avoid giving her instruction. If her riding your horse is absolutely dangerous, then she should not do it, but if you are simply thinking that she is not riding him correctly or something, then I would back off. Horses can cope with imperfect riding. ( We have had sharers for our Dhorse, and I know all about correcting a bad session with a novice!)
You have to be v careful that the Mother-daughter dynamics are not getting in the way. ( I sense they may be) If you really do not want her on your horse, then find her a share horse.
For context, My daughter is now 29 and it has only been in the last year or so I can give her guidance from the ground without her getting her back up! Good luck!

Would it be possible to find a loan or a share on a safe, established horse?

As others have said, this doesn't sound fair on the horse, and if it really is getting dangerous, then now is not the time for her to go to A&E.

Or, alternatively, could you let her get on with some things in a lower pressured way e.g. if they are safe on the flat but not to jump, then just doing flat work?

If she is taking her frustration out on the horse, then that is not acceptable, though.

There are plenty of other ways that an able-bodied 16 year old can release stress in the fresh air without endangering herself or the horse.