Partner jealous of new pony

[Apinkblanket]

So I bought us a pony (for me, dd and ds). I checked with my OH that he supported it. He did. Now a month on of having said pony my OH is incredibly jealous. Every time I go to yard I’m made to feel guilty and that I’m under pressure to be back soon. My DS is still quite young so I try to leave him at home sometimes to make things easier but then I’m made to feel guilty about that. I can take the dcs when I do my hobby, whereas my partner can’t when he does his, so the frequency of him enjoying his isn’t frequent - hence jealously.

Is this normal? If so how can I try and make things easier? Sorry if wrong board.

I meant to say that it’s less about the pony but more about the time I’m away, if that makes sense?

This happened to me too 😡. My poor old horse died and I never got another as husband was such a pain about the amount of time I spent on it. He did have a point as they are thieves of time and money.

Name changed for this one but yes, it's a massive bone of contention in our relationship. He doesn't like horses and doesn't see the benefit to my mental health (or doesn't see it as important).
We have two pre-school DC and pony is the eldest's but youngest can ride him too. When I can take both of them out by myself or hack from mine and lead one of them I think it'll be a game-changer.
I've compromised by only riding once a fortnight at the moment and doing any extra in work hours when the kids are in childcare then making up that time in the evening as I can't ride at 8pm but I can work!

When meeting my now DH it was made incredibly clear at the start my pony is not a hobby, she's family and part of my life. We ended up with two ponies but lost my old girl in January. DH and I pony together now and he loves it as much as me.

Can your partner get more involved? It IS time consuming and a commitment.

Pic of previously non horsey DH

.

Won't load pic! Never mind.

I think this is a common problem OP!
I can’t offer you a solution sorry but just to say your not alone. My DH is fairly understanding of us having our horse & I involve our two young DC’s but I do feel rushed when I’m at the yard & we should be doing something as a family when we all are off on same day?! Hopefully he will see the benefit to your mood & mental health. Horses really are awesome & fab for the kids too!

Yes unfortunately with horses being such a lifestyle commitment (both in terms of financial, time and emotional investment) husbands/wives/partners/spouses usually either need to get on board or get off the pot entirely unfortunately. Not all of them love it (cf Richard Hammond being very funny about his wife's horses) but I guess if it came down to a hard choice between the horse and the loved one, I fear many people would choose the horse

Seriously though, when he was supportive of you getting the pony, did he really, honestly know what he was getting into? I know you could say it's his fault if he didn't, but if you made any assumptions, however obvious, e.g. that he knew you'd be needing to see/care for the pony every single day, Christmas/birthdays/sick days etc included, then I'd cut him some slack. You hear a lot on MN of posters (usually women) being really upset about the amount of time and energy their partners expend on their 'hobbies' and always get told that the partner/man is totally in the wrong and needs to prioritise 'family time' as the expense of his hobby commitments (even where the DC also participate in said hobby), and TBH whilst it's easy to nod along and agree where it's a husband spending hours and hours playing golf/cycling/painting miniatures/down the pub/something I find equally trivial or baffling and his poor wife sat at home caring for small DC or doing housework, I for one feel horses don't 'count' the same as other hobbies (because its an animal that needs to be cared for etc etc) - but probably you/we could usefully take some lessons from those threads about the perspective of the partner 'left behind'.

You don't say in your OP what your care arrangements are, is pony on DIY livery? Even if so, if you haven't already, I would try and carve some 'protected' time out away from horses, where somebody else cares for the pony (either by swapping days with a friend at the yard or paying a groom/yard staff to do it) - how often you can do this will depend but if you can guarantee him some time that 100% won't be overtaken by horsey stuff, even emotional stuff/stressing/talking about the pony, I think that will help.

Also, why does he feel he doesn't get time for his leisure time/hobbies? Surely when you and the DC are at the yard is the perfect time for him to have to himself? Also, can you involve him in the pony more? My DH while not particularly horsey can ride well enough to join us occasionally for a nice blast out on a hack or enjoys pootling along behind on foot with the dogs if it's a nice day, or even just sitting in the nice farm shop cafe which is thankfully next door to my yard so he gets a bit of a weekend 'treat' outing too?

Somewhat common, I'd say.

Was your husband aware of what horse ownership actually entails when he was "supportive"?

And would it be possible to include him?

My father has never liked riding (even when he was a little boy) but he actually adored the horses and would occasionally take a horse for "walkies".... 😅

But your DH may have underestimated the amount of time and commitment actually required...

On the one hand, I would say ditch the partner and keep the horse.

However, it does sound like you are getting (a lot?) more hobby time than him- which I can see would make him resentful.

As others have said, did he really know what he was agreeing to, getting into?

If there was a way of facilitating regular hobby time for him, would that help?

Could you pay for some help to reduce the time you spend at the stables? I pay someone £2 a day to turn out for me in the mornings, and for £6 a day she would muck out too, which might reduce the amount of time you have to spend at the yard, whilst still getting all the benefits?

Maybe it's worth explaining that you will become quicker with time if your diy. I can turn out, muck out and do feeds etc in just over half an hour in the morning but that's because I've got into a time saving routine but when I started I would take an hour and a half. I can't cut any time off my riding but I can tack and un tack much faster than I did. I think when you first get a horse it can seem as if you

Why doesn’t he go and do his hobby while you are all at the yard? That should mean everyone is happy?

I don't like it. It's fishy.

He doesn't want to look after the youngest, but doesn't like it if you take all the children with you, doesn't want to come to the stables himself either.

Wants to do his own hobby, but not while you're at the stables with all the children, what's that all about? Blames his lack of hobby time on the pony.

It's bullshit.

Probably you're right about the jealousy part, but not the reason. Jealous of the pony, literally, everyone loves the pony, everyone fusses the pony, the grumpy arse sat at home skulking in the corner feels like he doesn't get so much attention any more. Its common, especially where people's DP is a bit of an arse. The decent ones find a way round it, get their own hobbies and are glad of the free time, or join in in some way, maybe accompanying rides on bicycle or just pitching in to get the work done quicker so everyone can go home to do something else.

I can't stand the ones who say they want to come then stand around bitching about the cold (yes that's what happens when you do nothing, work keeps you warm) or constantly saying hurry up when they're the reason it's taking so long (work is obviously quicker with two doing it).

Sometimes it's not really about the pony, it's about you having a life that doesn't revolve around them and their ego can't deal with not being centre of your thoughts at all times. Stick with the pony. Try to pin your DP down on exactly what he wants using tons of questions and hypothetical scenarios to clarify, if he tries to be vague, so you can compromise where possible. But you'll maybe find he doesn't want anything specific other than you all at home with him and him having freedom to do his hobby whenever he wants IE totally unreasonable, there's a lot of it around!

If you want time away from the stables you could try full livery, part livery, getting someone to turn out or fetch in for you at one end of the day so you only visit once daily or getting a sharer for a few days per week. All these options have their downsides, eg expense incurred by paying for services, accidental expenses/ill or lame pony caused by people inevitably cutting corners from time to time and the possible impact of that on the pony's health, bad manners creeping in if others handling are not keeping on top of any cheeky pony behaviour, damaged equipment through carelessness etc.

Hello sorry I’ve not had chance to log back in.

Pony is on a full/part livery mix so I go THREE times a week!! As I said previously when I go I take the kids with me. Perhaps one of those times I’ll ask to leave youngest at home. I get so much grief over it. It’s not even really about the pony. OH has no interest about the pony. I think it’s just the jealousy of my hobby. His hobby is one he does on his own and takes a whole day, so the frequency is rare that he gets to enjoy his. He has never met pony or expressed an interest in coming along - even though the kids have asked.

When he agreed he knew what he signed up for as ive had a horse before? But this was before the arrival of our youngest.

I just don’t really know how to handle it. It’s affecting our horsey time as I’m made to feel guilty all the time.

I see, doesn't sound excessive in terms of time spent at yard to me (but perhaps you'd get a different answer from a non horsey person). As to what to do, and without wanting to make this sound like the relationships board, how is your relationship otherwise? I might be reading into it but it doesn't sound like you are too enamoured of him in general and he certainly doesn't seem to be communicating with you in an open and emotionally honest manner if he's apparently jealous of the pony but really it's about not wanting to see you enjoy yourself without him? How is he as a partner otherwise, does he pull his weight with kids, household etc? Do you have a nice time when you do spend time together?

Jealousy, clingy-ness and sulking are super unattractive traits so I totally get your pissed-offness. The only thing I could point out in his favour is that your partner having a very intensive/time consuming hobby that you aren't interested or involved in, can be a very different thing before and after you have kids. I don't have to tell you that when you have a young family you can feel like you never get any time to yourself, and certainly much less time as a couple than before, all the little 'moments' you'd have alone with your partner, even things like a little chat before bed or first thing in the morning can feel like they are entirely dedicated to/overtaken by the needs of the children who of course always come first, never mind the big things like holidays and special occasions which also of course become all about the kids. So I can understand (not condone necessarily) him feeling resentful of something which cuts into your time together and your priorities even more. My DH says in a slightly sad voice sometimes that my priorities go 'kids, ponies, dogs, work, him' - he's kidding but there's some truth in it unfortunately You could quite reasonably say the time to voice these feelings and concerns was before you got the pony not after, but it's not always easy admitting to ourselves that we sometimes feel nasty emotions like jealousy or resentment of our own kids so I guess it's forgivable if he told himself it would be different this time or something.

Assuming this is a relationship you do want to put the effort in to improving, I think you probably do need to make some time to talk properly to him and have some 'couple time' away from the kids and pony (ick, but you know what I mean). Nothing will get better if you can't find time and energy to talk to one another. Maybe a good compromise could be that you make an effort to find time (maybe once a month or something) for him to go off and do his hobby, and in turn he agrees to take kids on his own sometimes so you get some time alone at yard (this in turn will mean you are quicker at yard so more family time too). Or just LTB, that would be quicker and easier I guess? Seriously, good luck, hope you work it out.

He's moaning about three times a week? I might have a bit of sympathy if you were up twice a day on diy taking the only car and bringing it home with cold moaning children and covered in mud.

Probably you're right about the jealousy part, but not the reason. Jealous of the pony, literally, everyone loves the pony, everyone fusses the pony, the grumpy arse sat at home skulking in the corner feels like he doesn't get so much attention any more. Its common, especially where people's DP is a bit of an arse. The decent ones find a way round it, get their own hobbies and are glad of the free time, or join in in some way, maybe accompanying rides on bicycle or just pitching in to get the work done quicker so everyone can go home to do something else.

I agree with this. Horse ownership isn't really a hobby though, it is a way of life. Three times a week is quite a bit for a hobby and if you were just riding it would be a lot. But ownership is different and you do end up structuring your life around it. For horse ownership, 3x a week is more like the bare minimum.

As to whether it's normal, well it's common, but that doesn't make it right. Previous partners of mine have been jealous of the horse. One even refused to watch me ride as he said it would be like watching me have an affair. Yes, he was weird, no I shouldn't have been in a relationship with him. So with my current OH I made sure at the beginning of our relationship that he knew what horse ownership entailed and was OK with it.

We make concessions to each other. We both enjoy country walks so we'll have a day's walk near where I keep my horse and stop off to see him. He's on assisted livery so I only have to go up once a day. I also have the option not to go up every day and OH knows if he wants a day out somewhere without worrying about the horse that I will arrange that. But ultimately he knows the horse is my dependant. I don't have children but I do have that commitment. He appreciates the love, understanding and respect that goes into keeping my horse and I try to shake the hay off my socks before I go round to his.

I have this too. Pony was actually his idea as so crucial to my mental health, but I do get constant low level passive aggressive jibes about time, money etc. Takes some of the joy out. And I'm part livery too.

Maybe stop letting the pony get into bed with you?

He's a twat. He's spoiling your enjoyment if your pony & he hasn't even been to meet her. It would be a 'grow up or fuck of' message from me!