Am I 'giving up' to sell or just accepting reality?

[hwardle]

Hi,

This is my first post on mumsnet so bear with! I just wanted to reach out to people who may understand without fear of judgment by those near and dear to me (who will have personal reasons to sway me either way)

Basically I am a full time working mum who has desperately over the past 10 years tried to maintain a piece of me through my riding, my family is non horsey (husband and 2 kids) and my other family (mum dad sister) also non horsey so its really something I do on my own.

The guilt is starting to be overwhelming. the cost and the time. its an accepted part of life that I spend much of my (and therefore the familys) disposable income on something that only benefits me and whilst its always been there in the back of my mind as the kids get older I'm finding it harder to justify to myself.

Then theres the time. like I say I work full time and I try to keep my riding activities to a minimum, Theres been ups and downs over the 10 years I've had children (was fine when they were babies as they would come with in the pram) toddlers was a bit harder - early school fine as they came with and were happy to do so - but now they are getting older they have their own sports and weekend activities that I either miss as I'm doing my own thing or I miss riding as I'm with them.
Im not exactly a happy hacker so I do compete but over the last 6 months I have found that I have allowed myself to step back from riding a little and indulge myself in just being a mum and I have very much enjoyed it going to football matches to cheer them on and tennis etc.

So what do I do now - my motivation to ride is next to nil but I love my horse so very much.

I feel hopelessly torn between the reality and the dream.

I think what doesn't help is that last year my very dear competing friend had a terrible accident that left her in a coma for 8 weeks and although thank goodness is still with us is likely not to compete again so really I am very alone when I do ride - I have to motivate myself to enter alone travel alone and compete alone and on a weekend - leaving a happy house full of sleepy kids, breakfast activities and warmth is becoming more of a struggle to do!

Ive joined a riding club to meet people and Im happily chatty so it has been great but mostly people come with a friend or a few!

And finally (if you're still with me) the irony is that Ive loved horses since being a child however its only in the last 15 years that I have had a job that has afforded me the luxury of having my own and starting to really chase dreams I never thought possible. so I don't have a wealth of years of experience to say 'well I did that then and now its time to move on' the reality is that if I do give up it will be something that I will never have been able to fulfil.

I have a super supportive OH but I think even he is getting fed up with my I'm going to sell/ no Im going to carry ongoing conversation!!!

to put it bluntly its driving me insane!!

has anyone else faced this dilemma???

Hayley x

Would a share be possible? Someone who could contribute to the costs and help cover caring for your horse?

I think realistically, anyone who says they've worked full time, raised a family and owned/competed their own horse and claims NOT to have struggled at all is either (a) very very rich, so as to have full-time help with horse and/or family or (b) lying. There are only so many hours in the day so fitting it all in is always going to be a challenge. I hear where you are coming from with the guilt although I don't think you necessarily should feel that way, everyone is entitled to time for themselves and it sounds as though you get a lot out of it and it's not as though you are riding 24/7, there is still plenty of time you can make for DC, plus their father presumably can attend a lot of their events and support them so I'm sure they don't feel neglected (it will be more in your own head that you feel that way!)...

As historyrocks says, have you looked into getting a sharer to ease some of the financial/time burden - obviously you don't want just anyone riding your competition horse but there are competent and experienced riders out there who can't have their own for one reason or another? Or if that doesn't work, could you give yourself some breathing space by finding a good loan home for DHorse for a year or so, that way you retain some control over him and have the option to have him back if you find you miss it too much?

Also, even if you do decide to sell up, it doesn't have to mean the end of all riding and competing forever. With the savings you make on livery etc. you could have school master lessons at a good training centre every so often, help your friends out with their horses, go on riding weekends and holidays etc., keep yourself ticking over essentially? You may find that once the pressure is off the love of it comes back, perhaps you could even be a sharer yourself - I see adverts with competing opportunities for the right person, but you might only have to be at the yard one or 2 nights a week and/or a weekend day, leaving lots of family time the rest of the week. Realistically your kids are likely to be at home for 5-10 years more right, there will still be a lot of your life left to really focus on horses and compete after they've grown up (there are people out on my local amateur/grass roots circuit well into their 50s and even 60s), so I wouldn't make it a choice for yourself about permanently giving up the dream, more what is immediately more important here and now?

Where are you based OP ? You might just need another horsey friend who wants to go out and do stuff to remotivate you again.
And most people struggle with motivation when it’s cold, wet and dark outside.

Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with stepping back and having a break. Would your horse make a suitable share ? Or loan ?

Reading with interest as I'm on the exact flipside of this. I've been a sharer for many years, having owned my own horses as a child, and am just now considering buying my own. But, like you, I'm a fulltime working mum and am concerned about the financial / time I'm taking from the family - although they're all very supportive because frankly it's something I really need for my mental health. Sharing just isnt the same as having your own to love on your own terms.

Do you think it's the competing that is particularly tricky? Or everything about horse ownership with a family?

Thank you! Your comments have made me feel a little less useless! I have considered a share however I’m a little reluctant as I got this horse as 4yr old and have really put a lot of work into him! I mean he is no Valegro but I think we have a fair shot at eventing grassroots champs! (He is now 8 as clearly we have had to go slowly!) he would be fine for a sharer though as he was used by the Newcastle uni team who train at my yard and proved to be a fav!! And I think the flexibility of not having to stick to certain days is the bit that I actually still love - the fact it’s the only thing that doesn’t have to be at a defined time on a defined day!!
Maybe it is just the relentless weather that is tipping me over the edge and the fact to enable a ride I have to de-mud the hippo which lets face it is just work work and more work!!
@AllInMyMind19 I think the competing does add extra complexities - I went out to do some dressage last Sunday and it took me nearly 4 hours the previous day to ride him and bath him plait up and sort tack and trailer etc! So for 2 tests I was basically gone from the family for a fair chunk of the weekend!! But I’m not a happy hacker - we are fairly road locked where we are and drivers are insane these days so I have to box up really to anywhere to really relax- But like you say the mental health aspect Of this is huge!!
I’m really trying to lighten up about the whole thing and I thank you all for your comments!!
X

I feel your pain OP. I don't compete but I ride mine four times a week, do a 40 min round trip every day to see him and have had him on DIY previously. I also trailer locally to meet friends who livery elsewhere and am gone for hours. The time and money horses take up is astonishing. DH is extremely tolerant and holds the fort at home while I am out. I have felt and do feel very guilty at times. My DM doesn't really approve. I'm very selfish compared to other mums I'm sure.

But I also know having a horse wasn't just on my bucket list, it was a dream come true and my performance at work, mental health and happiness has rocketed since getting my gelding - despite the epic TB tendency to injury

I think you need to decide what's more important for you and your family right now. Your horse won't care if it isn't competing. Will you if you stop? I am vile if I don't go to the yard. My horse makes me a better mum and a better wife. DH knows this and accepts it much as he hates all the dirt, hair and expense!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I’m also stuck between being a good mum, wife, being good at my job and the horses.

I don’t feel like I can by myself without riding though. There’s also the social aspect!

I’ve decided to limit competing to once a month, the rest of the time I school early morning so I can be back in time for breakfast and then enjoy the day with family. I also pay someone to bring in on weekends.

I don’t have the answer but your not alone!

I know how you feel. I have a retired competition horse and my last competition horse that is still in work will be 18yo this year so retirement is close for him. I also live in an area where there are no competitions and it's very difficult to motivate myself.

Would taking a step back from competing help you out? So, for example, give him a break for a few months in the winter when it's really miserable. And do Dressage Anywhere rather than go to a show.

I suspect that your friend's accident and scaling back from her competitions has also affected your feelings as it is a lot easier to all these things with another person supporting you.

I really miss my horse.

Similar set up here OP. Currently breaking my youngster in and desperately want to compete, plus have a pony for ds who he rides mainly in summer.

I would keep the horse but just have a set season to compete in, so say 4 months over summer. Takes the pressure off a bit. Then set days to ride, and once a month maybe box up and go somewhere for a fun ride or something. You don't have to bath and prep as much then. And it's much easier in the summer to keep them clean.

If your dh is happy with this and your dcs are happy and you are happy then that's all that matters.

Your other option is to move yards and become a happy hacker for a couple of years until your dcs are older. At 8 your horse is young enough and as long as you keep the basics it doesn't matter if he is hacked out for a couple of years. Maybe a compromise of happy hacker 8 months, and compete for 4 months.

Any sport or hobby is more time consuming the higher up you go. Maybe try a different discipline for a year or 2 (local level showing, le trec, endurance) and start at the bottom then go back to the stressage later on.

Your horse won't care what he does!

You’ve just got January-itis. We all feel like giving up in January.

If you’ve got an eventer then turn him away November - February. Finish the season, then do some serious schooling October time, then turn him away and forget about riding. Embrace the family and save some money.

Get him back in start of feb, and you can have him fit enough to event by April. It will probably do him the world of good.

That’s how I do it. It’s a compromise that works for everyone. I might go for the odd hack from the field but there’s really no need.

Have a serious think about it.

You’ve just got January-itis. We all feel like giving up in January.

This. Don't make a decision just yet. Tail end of the winter and no-one thinks 'oh yes, getting up in the dark to push wheelbarrows of shit around in the pissing rain. Count me in! Living my best life, I am'. i also like Frouby's idea of having a 4 month window for competing. If you want to stop because you don't enjoy it that's one thing. But don't feel guilty about doing something that keeps you you. It is better for your family if you're happy and retain your identity.

I would definitely go down the sharer route before giving up completely. I work, and have 3 kids 17, 15 & 7 & a DH - all completely unhorsey. (I have no other immediate family). I gave up completely, after my mare was PTS, had 7 years off and missed it terribly. I now share a horse with a lady. He's her horse, but I contribute to his keep (£20pw) and for 3 or 4 days - we are flexible with each other - he is 'my' horse. I usually do Fri, Sun, Mon and some Saturdays, and it fits perfectly with my home life/kid duties.