Not getting any easier

[WildPoppy]

Hi everyone. Looking to see if anyone has been through this and can tell me there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I had to have my little mare put to sleep roughly a month ago. She was my first pony and I owned her for 11 years. She had had terminal health issues for a while, but they had been managed well for years. Her latest blood test showed things were way out of control and she had ^seriously deteriorated since May. She had to be sedated for blood tests and was never an easy patient!! During these recent bloods she collapsed twice, she recovered unscathed but my vet told me it was likely indicative of heart issues. 3 days later we made the tough decision to put her to sleep. Our reasons being:

• Her illness was no where near under control & she was currently on a significant amount of meds.
• We were unable to blood test her anymore due to the collapsing, so if we adjusted her meds we would have no way of knowing if it was working, or if one day we would arrive at the yard to find her seriously ill, or worse.

I know it was the right decision, but the pain of losing her is if anything, getting worse. The days leading up to her euthanasia were the most painful I've ever experienced, I felt a sense of relief in the days after she passed, & now a month on I can't even think about it. If I allow myself to think about her I am a wreck for hours. I miss her dearly, and never imagined it would hurt this much to lose her.

I guess I just need someone to tell me that it does get easier as at the moment I am really struggling 😞

Hi Wildpoppy,
So sorry to hear of your loss. I haven’t lost an equine however I have lost belived pets.
The grieving process is different for everyone and there is no ‘normal’ course, its still early days and its likely things feel harder now as you have started processing it all.
Things really should ease off as times goes on but give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
The Blue Cross run a phone help line to support people who have lost a pet , perhaps give them a call to talk it through? Xxx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply hoepfullyberidingsoon. I'm not great at talking to people on the phone, but might give blue cross a try x

So sorry for your loss.
It will get easier I promise. I lost my beautiful 7 year old gelding this time last year. He was my pride and joy and it just about broke my heart. It was absolutely the right decision to put him to sleep but I still feel like I killed my friend. Like you there was relief immediately afterwards then the next few weeks and months were terrible. I can’t really explain how it gets better but it does. Little by little I realised I could go out to the field without crying, then I could look at photos etc. You know in your heart of hearts that you did the kindest thing for your friend and that, eventually, will be what carries you through.

This sounds ridiculous but I had this poem open on my phone for ages and it really did help, I can now read it without crying:

I'll lend you for a little while

My grandest foal, He said.

For you to love while she's alive

And morn for when she's dead.

It may be one or twenty years,

Or days or months , you see.

But, will you, till I take her back,

Take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you,

And should her stay be brief,

You'll have treasured memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,

Since all from earth return.

But, there are lessons taught on earth

I want this foal to learn.

I've looked the wide world over

In my search for teachers true.

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

With trust, I have selected you.

Now will you give her your total love?

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come

To take her back again?

I know you'll give her tenderness

And love will bloom each day.

And for the happiness you've known!

Forever grateful stay.

But should I come and call for her

Much sooner than you'd planned

You'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And someday you'll understand.

For though I'll call her home to Me

This promise to you I do make,

For all the love and care you gave

She'll wait for you, inside Heaven's Gate.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your lovely pony OP. I think there is something so special about the bond between horse and rider that makes the loss of a horse somehow so much worse than any other pet, it's even different for me (not necessarily worse but perhaps more intense) than losing a human friend or relative, because the horse is so dependent on you and you have to make those hard decisions for them. I still miss my first horse who died of colic when I was just a teenager (so many years ago now!) - I had similar very intense grief to what you are describing at the time, and still sometimes have the odd sad moment wondering whether there was anything more we could or should have done for him. It sounds like you took care of your girl brilliantly and you made the right decision in her best interests, for what it's worth.

It does get easier in time, I honestly find getting another horse is the best thing for filling the void (when you are ready of course), but other things that can help are making some mementos of her to keep, you can get nice bracelets or other jewellery made from tail hair if you got a chance to keep some, or perhaps get a nice photo framed?

WildPoppy I am sorry to hear you have lost your lovely little mare. It really is very early days for you yet.

I lost my beloved gelding 18 years ago. I had to make the decision within a few hours, and even now, I still beat myself up about it sometimes - even though it was the right thing to do. My boy had a massive internal blockage - I saw the vets face drop when he examined him. The nearest horspital was over 100 miles away, and he kept going down with the pain. Sedation wasn't an option as we couldn't risk him going down in the trailer during the journey. Then there would have been the surgery itself, and the recovery afterwards. As he was in his mid 20's we (DH and me) decided to PTS. He spent his last hour in the field with me, scoffing mints, carrots and apples and having lots of cuddles.

For weeks I slept hugging the pair of jods I was wearing on that awful day. When he was down, he had his head on my lap, so they had his smell on them. I never had another horse after that.

It does get easier, but I do still have a cry when certain things set me off - like Tronkmanton's poem! I kept some tail hair, horseshoes and his nameplate off his stable door. I still have his grooming kit that still has his hair in the brushes. Even his bridle has not been cleaned - the bit still has his green slobber on it!

It is a very special bond with a horse, and when you lose them it is devastating. Be kind to yourself, try and remember the good times, and rest assured you made the right decision.

Thank you all so much for your replies. You have really helped me feel less alone in this - until now I haven't been able to speak anyone who has had to have their horse put to sleep, however I am so sorry you have all had to go through this. It must be terrible to lose your horse so suddenly through colic.

That poem is lovely, although I couldn't get through all of it without crying! I will keep it saved on my phone.

The day she was put to sleep I had her shoes taken off which I keep beside my bed. I hope to have something made with them in time. I have her head collar hanging on my bed which I sleep with on the tough nights, it smells like her. The day after she went I had her hair sent off for a bracelet, I think I was just on auto pilot as now I can't bring myself to do anything that I had planned for all things I saved. I'm wearing the bracelet now which brings some comfort. We didn't have the facilities to bury her, but I'm hoping one day to make some sort of "grave" with a plait of hair I took and her name plate from her stable.

I still have my two other horses, which I have thrown myself into. They have been a great distraction and I am very grateful to have them, otherwise I don't think I'd be able to face getting another horse.

Thank you, I really appreciate all your messages.

I had my mare PTS in June 2016 and I'm only just getting to the point where I can think and talk about her without getting upset. She was 28 and I'd had her since she was 5. A month is no time, it will get easier and the sadness will come less frequently.
I have a glass framed box I bought with the intention of putting a collection of memories - photos, rosette, shoe, one of the stickers i was given 20yrs ago with her name on. Only now do I feel I might be able to put it all together.
Oh dear, i said I could now think about her without getting upset but I appear to be crying on the train!
I do think we are lucky to have had horses/ponies we've been so close to though. I have another horse & although I'll be sad when he goes, i know I won't be nearly as upset. I feel sorry for him that he doesn't mean as much to me but I don't think he cares as long as be gets fed!

Oh that poem has broken my heart. I am so sorry OP.

Thank you snowpo and pinkhousesarethebest.

Sorry, posted that before I was done!

Thank you snowpo and pinkhousesarethebest. I am so sorry you also lost your mare snowpo. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I'm grateful to hear from people who have gone through/ are going through the same thing.

Who would have pets eh. They bring us so much joy and then absolutely shatter our hearts. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to think about her and not just feel overwhelming sadness.