The Fear!!! (As non-riding parent of competitive DC)

[Guinefort]

My DC are lucky to have had their own ponies since they were little. I never had the opportunity as a child but have learnt all about their care and management in a steep learning curve the last 10 years and can now hold my own in conversation with even the most dedicated 3rd generation pony club mum (and I can drive a 7.5t horse box - yay me!).

My eldest dc are now 15 and 13 and enjoy competing in all disciplines but the more they do and the better they get, the more utterly terrified I am. I mean to the point of being anxious and on edge from about the week before an event, to virtually being sick and shaking with fear whilst they are actually competing.
I know it's ridiculous and I really need to get a grip. It's not like they're going round Badminton for heaven's sake!

Unfortunately, even though I try to hide it from them, I think my nerves are rubbing off on my DC. Eldest has announced her retirement this season from BE (having gone clear round a few BE90s last year), she now says she no longer wants to event, maybe just the odd 80. Younger DC was eliminated from a 70cm SJ last weekend even though she trains and schools at 85cm and rarely ever has a stop in training! It's purely down to competition nerves affecting her and pony's performance and I can't help feel she must have got that from me somehow .

I'm not sure what I'm asking to be honest . I suppose just how do you cope with "the fear" when your DC are competing? I feel pathetic but it's really beginning to take over my life, I am just sick with fear that one of them or a precious pony will be hurt. I constantly question why on earth I ever enabled and encouraged them to take up this dangerous sport

I'm not sure how you would cope with this, as a non-horsey person. I have always ridden so know the risks, and how to minimise them. I also take the view that my children are as likely to have a serious accident riding their bikes to school.

Fatalities whilst riding BE are, thankfully, rare - to me it's no different to being on a plane or in a car - accidents happen. All you can do is make sure the horse is up to the task, fit enough, educated enough, and the rider has the right protective gear. Plus, BE courses now have safety features built in to the fences and show jumps, of course, will collapse if clattered. But riding IS a risk sport there's no getting away from that. However, if horse and rider are riding at their own level of competency then all I can say is try to enjoy that your children are enjoying themselves.

There are courses you can do to learn how to be a good support from a sports psychology perspective. That might be worth a try?

I take kalms. My dd competes at be100 and I do get nervous, but more about her not doing well than falling off!!

Thank you so much for your replies! I've never tried Kalms - will definitely get some 😂

The sports psychology suggestion is fab thank you - I will definitely look into that.

I think a lot of it does stem from not being a rider myself and the fact that I am living my dreams vicariously through my children! I suppose I feel that I have actively encouraged them into this sport (because I never had the opportunity myself) and if they get hurt it will all be my fault.

I am also quite competitive so whilst beating myself with worry about the "what ifs" I also want them to do well and win ha ha so that doesn't help with the nerves either! God I wish I could just do it for them 😂

I think it's about feeling confident that you have mitigated the risks as far as you can. I know that the ponies we have are the safest I could find (experienced, clever, v. careful, hate touching fences which is important if eventing!) and the children have had all the instruction they could have for the level they are doing. Those things help me to feel less worried. I understand what you mean about the what ifs though. They pop into my head every so often and I squash them as quickly as I can! I do watch some other people's children and metaphorically cover my eyes because they are sailing so close to an accident and the parents don't seem to see it. I agree with RatherbeRiding that it helps to be a rider because it helps you to understand what is achievable and what isn't and what's dangerous and what isn't.

Your younger one's nerves probably haven't come directly from you - some people get nervous, some don't. Maybe they don't enjoy the pressure of competition? I bought my horse from a family whose daughter had given up SJ because she didn't like the pressure, but she went drag hunting instead - far more scary in my opinion! But no competition pressure. They can still enjoy their ponies doing other things - fun rides? La Trec? Mounted games? Maybe you all need to try a few other horsey activities to take the pressure off all of you, and it might help your nerves!