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Saying goodbye

20 replies

Need2morehands · 27/01/2018 23:54

I'm not sure why I'm writing this I guess I'm hoping it will make me feel more at ease with what I have to do if I write it down. My best friend who I have had the pleasure of knowing for over 20 years is very ill. My grandad bought her for me after my mum died from the farm that she learned to ride at and she's been in my life every since, through other members of my family passing away to new boyfriends, jobs, friends and now children one of which shares her name. She is so old now mid 30s but still hacked out and never sick or sorry till now. She's been diagnosed with a disease I can't pronounce never mind spell and after a week of treatment there is basically nothing more that can be done she's lost the ability to swallow and half her face is paralysed it's horrible to see, she so desperately tries to eat she's so hungry and nothing is going down apart from what falls down eventually as I'm now making her feeds completely liquid. She's not in any pain but she just wants to eat and walk round the yard and steal cow feed like she used to and she can't. The vet is coming back on Monday and I know what I have to do but I'm completely heartbroken for her and myself. She's the only thing I have left from my family and she's leaving me too. I can't see her struggle anymore but I can't let her go. Iv tried everything I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Jon66 · 28/01/2018 00:07

It's so difficult, but she's been given a good life by you. I think we owe it to our horses to give them a good death too. I have two elderly horses and I've planned what to do when the time comes. The vet will advise you I'm sure, but can you bear to think about how. Would she like to be in her paddock or stable? Could you give her a nice groom beforehand so she looks nice for her final trip. Are you able to bury her on your land or will she need to go away. Thinking about these things might help you to come to terms with things. I've lost one, some years ago now, but I still think of him with happy memories, so in a way they live on within us. Thinking of you Monday.

Scabbersley · 28/01/2018 00:08

Thinking of you. You have done your best by her.

BonnieF · 28/01/2018 00:23

When we own any animal, we accept a duty of care toward them. That duty includes finding the strength to do the right thing for them at the right time at the end of their lives. Allowing animals to suffer is cruel. Humane euthanasia is kind.

You love your horse so you have to put her best interests first, and ahead of your own. You will always be able to look back and know you did the right thing by her.

Need2morehands · 28/01/2018 04:01

I think Iv found the company I'm going to use to have her cremated the use a sling to pick them up instead of drag them. I'm going to make a bed in a barn for her so it's easier for her to be moved I can't picture her get pulled through her stable door it's too sad. After writing all that down and getting some sleep I feel much calmer about it all I know it won't make tomorrow any easier but for now I feel better.

OP posts:
Yetanothernamechange1234 · 28/01/2018 04:18

Randomly scrolling as I can't sleep and came across your thread..hope you are ok and you sound a wonderful person; your horse is a very lucky animal to be so loved. Will be thinking of you both x

frostyfingers · 28/01/2018 19:25

Don’t feel guilty - you’re doing the only thing that is good for her in the circumstances. It’s hard, and the deciding and waiting is the hardest bit, you will feel sad but less awful afterwards, I promise.

Lots of cuddles and tears, a few juicy treats (you could grate carrot if she can’t chew) and don’t feel obliged to be present if you can’t bear it and certainly make yourself scarce when she’s taken away. My mantra when my horse had to go was “he doesn’t know anything about it”. Be kind to yourself.

MrsMozart · 28/01/2018 19:30

I'm so sorry. The old saying "A day too soon is better than a day too late".

Need2morehands · 28/01/2018 20:56

Thank you for your support I had to give her another steroid injection today and she didn't even seem to care. She goes through fazes of perking up and doing little whinnies then looking all sad again. I'm having to blink her eye for her as she's lost the ability to do it herself now.

I have to be there with her when the time comes I know il end up in a heap on the floor with her but I can't stand the thought of her being frightened around a stranger. I don't think il watch her being taken away but the company Iv found have a sling to lift her instead of being dragged

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 28/01/2018 21:01

So sorry, you sound like the best owner a horse could ever wish for.
What about keeping some hair for a locket?

Need2morehands · 28/01/2018 21:29

My friend had a bracelet made for my birthday with her tail hair. Iv got a show that I kept from her competition days so I might do something with that. Another friend has done a beautiful painting of her too

OP posts:
ladybird69 · 28/01/2018 21:31

No words just Hugs xxx

MrsMozart · 28/01/2018 21:38

Do you have a friend who can be there for you for the second part?

I've been there at the end for all mine, with my voice the last thing they heard and my hand the last touch they felt, but friends have taken over with the horses when it's come time to be loaded.

Fueledwithfairydustandgin · 29/01/2018 11:28

So sorry. You sound like an amazing owner and you have done the kindest thing and given her a dignified end

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2018 11:40

Aww, I'm so very sorry, it hurts like hell, I know.
You've given her a wonderful life though, she's been a lucky girl, being so very loved.
I've not heard of the sling before, but I wouldn't stay around for that part, if were you.
Thinking of you, and sending much love and strength.💐
Run free beautiful girl.

Need2morehands · 05/02/2018 20:40

Thank you again for you kindness. I thought I'd share her last day with you. The vet cane that Monday and suggested maybe give her one more week to see if there was any improvement as she had actually stated to swallow on Monday. She gave her a big dose of steroids and left some for me to inject her with. Over the week she had good and bad days but never regained any control over the left hand side of her face. She tried eating but most ended up on the floor but she was still drinking and pooing so some was going in. By Saturday she was starting to slow down so I knew today was going to be the day. Iv never cried as much as I did this weekend thibking about the decision I was making. Every part of my life now is because I had that beautiful lady in it. I wouldn't have met my oh and had my dc if I hadn't been on a yard as a teenager where a friend gave me my first job where I met my oh.
Anyway back to today I turned her out with her buddies and they all had a brilliant run and roll she was filthy. I brought her and her friends in after mucking out and gave her some cow feed (her new naughty favourite) she ate what she could and I brushed her and but her jarmas back on. I then took her into a huge summer field and walked and ran round with her and eventually let the vet come over to phts the was enough time to do her neck cover back up before she lay down with me sat right beside her with my arms wrapped around her and my hands under her rug stroking her. It was as peaceful as I could have ever imagined it as heartbreaking as it is and I haven't stopped crying since. After I sat with the vet and my oh going through pictures old pictures of her. I'm so glad she and I had this day today we needed it I needed it and she deserved nothing but the best day. I love her so much.

Saying goodbye
OP posts:
Puppymouse · 05/02/2018 20:53

Crying for you OP. Losing my boy will be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with when the time comes and I've only had him a fraction of the time you both had been together. It sounds like she had the best life and death any horse could wish for and you'll have her with you in some way still. Time is the best healer Thanks

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2018 22:48

What a beautiful girl.
I'm so very sorry, it's heartbreaking.😢
She couldn't have been more loved ... 🌹🌹🌹

MrsMozart · 06/02/2018 06:03

Beautiful girl.

A handhold from me lass.

DisabledUserName · 06/02/2018 06:10

Crying for you OP. You gave her the very best life and she obviously came into your life for a reason.
She is peaceful now.
It's the day any of us with life long horsey friends dreads but you made that day, and all her others, lovely for her.

frostyfingers · 06/02/2018 11:19

Heartbreaking for you, but what a way for her to move on to pastures new. It’s utterly horrible but the pain will ease slowly and you’ll be able to remember the good times without tears eventually. She was lucky to have you.

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