Not sure if I am being unreasonable

[NervousRider]

As my username suggests, I am a nervous rider. I started a year ago at the grand ole age of 40yrs.

I have had a couple of nasty falls which zaps my confidence. I currently go to an adult group lesson once a week and I occasionally (when the pennies allow!) have a private lesson.

I have one horse that I really like and if I could I would always ride her.

I totally understand when it is a group lesson that there are horses allocated to the group, and the instructor puts us on the most appropriate horse. As this particular horse is very dependable she is allocated to the newer riders.

I have one horse who I refuse to ride. I have fallen off this horse due to her being skittish and on riding her again I found I really didn't enjoy my lesson and was nearly in tears as I was so nervous on her.

I have got a private lesson next week and I asked if I could have my favourite horse. I was told by the Yard Owner that "I don't tell her who I ride, she will tell me". I was rather taken back by this as I just feel that when it is a one to one private, that I should be able to choose who I ride.

I totally understand that when it is a group lesson that I can't choose, or if there was a problem with the horse but to just refuse me outright?? My lesson is during school hours too, so the horses are not being used at that time either so it is not due to availability.

I have also been told that I have to ride the skittish mare again. But I also feel that at the grand ole age of 41yrs - if I don't want to then why should I!! I am not there to become an Olympic rider or event-er. I just want to do nice canters and jumps and enjoy my time there.

Am I missing something?

I started riding 2 years ago (after a long break - almost 20 years since my last lesson). I am in a group lesson and have the occasional private lesson too.

There are 3 ponies I can ride. One who is my absolute fave -steady reliable who I learned to jump on. One who I can't jump as she sometimes refuses and has a massive jump, so instructor says I'm not ready for it yet...but I learned to canter on her as she keeps going. And one in between. He's a bit more go-ey. Faster and can be a bit of a handful so I'm more wary when riding him.

In my group there are three of us " oldies". And we are only switched around when one of us isn't able to ride.

I've asked for my fave pony before and was told that if I want to ensure I always ride her then I have to lease her.

Yard manager or yard owner told you this? Speak to your instructor who can advise better than someone who doesn't actually teach you. My yard owner told me it was 'draining' to answer worming queries. Draining!! For me to worry about why the horses hadn't had an encysted redworm preventative all year when my horse had a medium count of redworm. I dunno who these people think they are.

I had a private last week and they gave me my favourite horse so I had a good lesson. Did some 80cm jumps which was scary but I managed it.

I have been moved to the next group and so they use bigger horses. I had another private Tuesday and fell off The horse was very forward going and I was struggling to contain him but was doing ok.

I had a little jump which was fine and I did it several times successfully. Approached from the other way and he jumped to the side and off I went. As always I hit my head hard and saw star's for a bit but got back on him.

Just don't know what to do. I want to enjoy it but I'm so anxious about falling off that i think I'm getting to the point of giving up

Can you just do flat work for a few weeks until you get your mojo back? Maybe ask to work on some dressage tests or something.

I am 38 and was a competent jockey until being about 22 when I gave up riding. Will be restarting next year and definitely won't be jumping!

I think I will have this horse again tonight which I am ok with.

My instructor said I have a horse confidence problem as opposed to a riding confidence issue as I'll happily jump on my favourite horse. Which is why I don't want to give in and why I have privates to ride the different ones.

I'm just not a very good rider!

you talk a lot about struggling to control certain horses and being nervous and frightened - I hate to say it but I agree with a PP- you need to really work longer and harder on your basics, rather than push forward with higher jumps. It's a way more valuable skill for you to learn how to take a more difficult horse over cavalletti than to sit on a placid old nag that can pop over 80cm whether you are on it or not.

I think it depends whether you want to be a horsewoman as fenella describes above eg. you want to learn a skill that means you can ride even the trickiest of horses or whether you want to just enjoy your hour a week lesson.

My view is its supposed to be fun and whilst people can find their fun in either approach for me pushing 40 and with a bad accident under my belt I just want to ride what I know. I don't think there is any shame in that

It sounds to me like you're going a little too fast - jumping is and should be fun, but it's not the be all and end all and if you find that you're being frightened and falling off then perhaps go back a couple of stages until you're ready to tackle it again on most horses. There's nothing wrong with recognising your limitations and working to improve yourself - I don't think we ever stop learning with horses - if you really want jumping to be your thing then you need to feel able to do it on most horses safely and confidently.

Many thanks everyone. My lesson Friday was really good. I was on the familiar horse who is so stubborn (spoke about him previously) and we did a mini show jumping session. So lots of smaller jumps. Really enjoyed it.

What do you mean by stubborn? Most riding school horses appear stubborn but press the right buttons correctly and they will go quite sweetly.
I echo others who say you seem to be progressing too quickly. It doesn't take much to get over a 70cm jump but to do so with a correctly folding position and secure lower leg takes time

He doesn't move or turns his head and looks at you, so he has to be kicked and whipped hard. He has also started walking backwards.

The riding school are selling him as they said it is not fair on the horse to be treated like that and he is unhappy as a school horse.

Had a bad lesson . Was on a young horse who I have ridden previously and he was quite excitable. I was struggling to see in the indoor school as the sun was shinning through the barn wall slats and was blinding me. Also the tractors were moving hay and we were warned that the horses were getting spooked by it

I just wasn't enjoying it at all and told the instructor that I wasn't so she told me to get off and leave which I did.

As I was putting the horse away the manager came to me and asked if I was ok. I said no and that I'm not enjoying it anymore and haven't done for a while and I just don't want to do it anymore.

She then said for me to go just with her and have a quiet lesson outside. We did and I enjoyed it.

However according to my 9yr old the indoor instructor said she doesn't want me in her lessons so currently I'm not sure whether to just call it a day and stop altogether.

She was in a bad mood anyway as the kid's class had annoyed her so she had shouted at them all so I probably made her even more cross.

Good god the instructor sounds horrendous who takes their feelings out on paying customers like that and gets away with it? I would try a different school if I were you, you are spending a lot of money with them each month to be treat like crap if you ask me! Good luck

whereabouts are you nervous rider? I have to say I wouldn't say never go back, but I would be looking at other options.
My coach always says to me - you never have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, and if that means getting off thats ok.
An example of this is the other day I had a flatwork lesson, then took my mare for a hack to cool down - even had a trot on a long rein with her stretching over her back - lovely (and a big step for me). Came around the corner of a hedge, nearly at the yard , and they had just mowed all the grass around the CC Jumps , my mare does a huge spook, which my instructor sees - she calls out to me to check i'm ok, which I was, but my mare is eyeing the jumps like they are about to kill her. now many instructors I have had in the past would have told me I had to get her past them, my current instructor knowing where I am with my head and riding in open spaces, suggest a big wide trot circle, then coming out of it and down another path not past the jumps. It was a really good solution - because although I could have got my mare past the jumps - the battle would have left a a mental scar for me(probably)that would have put my work outside the school backwards. Its all about small steps.

Mrslaughlan - I couldn't agree with you more. We always talk about positive experiences for our horses being important, but it's just as important for our own confidence to have a positive experience ourselves.

I think you need to be finding an alternative instructor at the least, if not a complete change of yard. You're right, it is meant to be fun and if it's not then there's absolutely no point.

Don't let them put you off though, find the right place and person and it will be fun again - hang in there, but I would imagine your confidence is shot to pieces by the instructor so start afresh with someone new and perhaps come back a few stages until you feel happier.

I spoke to the advanced instructor and she said her class is a lot more pressured and she feels I would feel better in the lower class so I am not trying to keep up with the other riders.

She said I am very capable of being in her class but she is very pushy and wants the riders to always be striving for the next thing - which is fine for those who want that, but as she rightly pointed out - I don't. I want to just go and enjoy my time there without being shouted at to try harder etc.

So I am going to drop back to the lower class where I was happy. They don't do much jumping as it is a beginners class but that means I can concentrate on my seat and becoming confident on a variety of horses in a more gentle way.

I am going to alternate a group lesson with a private so I can still watch my child in their jump lesson and do a little more advanced work.

That sounds a good plan, taking things at the pace you want to go is sensible and with the private lessons as well you'll be flying before you know it!

Is this in a north west equestrian centre? Sounds a bit familiar.

It seems strange that they've got you jumping fairly high fences when you don't seem confident and balanced in general. It sounds as though you need to be taken back a few levels and more put into your basics. Lunge lessons may help.

Rode in the lower class today and really enjoyed it. It's good to be back

The riding school is very very south of the UK.

Had a private lesson with the advanced instructor. We did dressage practice which was really fun. Really enjoyed it.