Broken. Completely broken.

[Downbutnotoutyet]

I left my classroom today for the last time.

It was forty years ago about now that I applied to teacher training college. I started teaching four years later. I took a break and was nearly at thirty years total.
But I can’t do it anymore. Not because of the kids. Not because of the workload. It is because of SMT and the absolute nastiness of bullies.

I have worked so hard. I have tried so hard yet the more I do the less I am thought of. Why do people treat other human beings so badly? I don’t know if they thought I had no feelings or if it was funny to them but they have absolutely destroyed me.

I have been signed off but I know this is the end of my time as a teacher.
I think about how much money I have spent over the years, into the thousands I am sure. I think about the events I missed out on, the hobbies that went by the wayside, the social life that disappeared and I just break down in tears which won’t stop.

I was so proud to be a teacher and I feel it has been stolen from me. I feel I have wasted my life. Now all I am left with is a fear for the future. I am too old to start again. I have no energy or confidence. I am at the stage I feel sick if I have to leave the house as they have destroyed everything I thought was good about me and all I feel now is worthless. I don’t know what I do now? Except cry.

I am not sure why I am posting even. Just hoping someone can read this and make me feel less alone.

I didn't want to read and run. I totally understand the pain you feel right now but it really saddens me to hear you talking as if it's been a life wasted, dedicated to teaching. I know it's very raw right now, but I really hope in time you can come to reflect on all the young lives you have enriched. The children, many of whom will now be adults, who will always look back on their time with you fondly. The many lives you have had a positive impact on. I am so sorry you have been treated like this, but your career was never ever in vain.

I sincerely hope you find yourself in a better place soon. I know you might not feel like it right now, but could supply be an option? There are still many schools out there who would value your experience. Without the pressure of day to day teaching, you may even rediscover the love for the job.

Whatever you turn your hand to next, may it be less stressful than this latest chapter in teaching has been for you. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your kind words @BoleynMemories13 Thank you for taking the time to post and I hope in time to come I can remember the positives more than the negatives.
Ironically it is not the stress of the job as I actually like doing the paperwork, strange I know, and enjoy the kids immensely. It is the adults I am struggling with. I just never knew people could be so cruel. Bullies bully no matter what. The trouble is when no one supports you it is difficult to stand up to it.
Ironically if it had been happening to anyone else I would have been the first to step in and put a stop to it but it is hard when you are alone. Group mentality at its worst too. Others know management treat you appallingly so they feel they can too.
I can’t help but wonder how differently thinks would have been if I had ended up in a school where people cared and were a team. Sadly I will never know.

I know exactly what you mean. Sympathy will not really help. I have been in similar situations as your self but not quite as bad.

However I was working in a very high achieving school last academic year. The kids were great for the most part. SLT were, well they were not. I left last July after having been messed about for most of the time I was there. They asked if I could go back and I very politely declined.

I saw 3 students (from this school) on various trains in the last 3 weeks. 2 said "Can we have you back, our new teacher is rubbish and then went onto explain as to why his is rubbish. The other said "You never gave up with our class, other teachers did but you didn't"

The students that you taught will be talking about you to their Grandchildren. They will not remember the names of SLT

It does get better - it takes time.

I really relate to this. I also think the bullies at my school will end up winning and I’ll have to leave. It’s so, so wrong.

There are so many students whose lives you have had a positive impact on. From showing a student that they can do something to just being there so they have some one to talk to. SLT come and go, the impact teachers have on the lives of students is immeasurable.

Thank you all so much. I feel so guilty leaving the class but I honestly could not go on. Spending every night and weekend either in tears or just incapable of functioning was so damaging.
i am sorry others are going through the same. It is so unfair.
i don’t understand why people skills are not part of the requirements for promotion or to just work in a school at all. Surely they should be a crucial element?
Hopefully I will run out of tears at some point but I will never forget the things they have said or done. I will always wonder what it was about me that provoked this. In fact, I think it will torment me until the day I die. I used to believe I was a good, decent person. Now I just feel there is something wrong with me that caused this. I just don’t know how I pick myself up and move on.

I have to say that I totally understand your post and sympathise. It's not you, it's the terrible education system that we have all allowed to happen. Schools are perfect breeding grounds for bullies. The pressures, the pressure-cooker, the stress, the politics, the frustrations, the lack of time for friends and family. People go into survival mode, they do whatever is necessary to protect their job, even if it means stabbing people in the back, and looking good to their superiors so that their job is safe. Survival of the fittest. People search out the weakest, to make themselves look stronger. I have seen it many times. It is like this in many schools nowadays.

Strange (and disgusting!) isn't it that teachers stand in their classrooms teaching children not to bully, SLT preach new PSHE guidelines, tell us about protecting children from harm and then they bully, bully, bully. Such hypocrites, but again just following the system, and protecting their jobs.

Get as much sick pay as you can firstly. Resign, to leave at the end of it all. Then do what I did and do supply. I supply a couple of days a week on my own terms in a school that treats me well, not because they are lovely (I am too old in the tooth to think that, such a shame I know!), but because they need those days covered and they know I could leave at any time. I do a decent enough job, so for this reason, they don't harrass me or upset me, as I am in control, knowing I can walk out with a day's notice.

Whilst all the contracted teachers are attending staff meetings, stressed out, doing IEP's, displays, ringing parents and taking work home, I leave at 4pm, as "I'm supply on a daily rate of pay that isn't to scale". I work day to day on a few of the other days, if and when I want to. You don't have to suffer in this ridiculously stressful situation. Turn the tables and do supply. It's so much better and amazing how attitudes change when they need me and I don't need them!

It's not you. Forget it, see them for the bad bullying leaders they are, and get out. I have been in similar situations. Don't give it any more thought. Look after yourself and as I said turn the tables!

there is nothing wrong with you at all it is the school and SLT
i know someone in a similar situation , they are broken as well. take the sick leave and heal you can and will come through this 🙌

How to pick your self up. Go out side and see the daffodils in the sun. There is nothing more joyful than seeing daffodils swaying in the breeze when it is sunny.

The term is over: the rest of your life has begun has begun. The nightmare has ended: this is the morning.” (with apologies to CS Lewis)

Thank you all. These are the kindest most supportive words I have had said to me in a very long time. The worst bit is I have had genuine, horrible events happen in my life and I survived them. I have always been told I am a strong person who copes with anything thrown at them but the mental and emotional abuse, the isolation and exclusion over the past years have proven too much and I am feeling so embarrassed it has happened to me but even more ashamed I wasn’t strong enough to cope. I should have been stronger and that feels more painful than I can believe. My heart literally hurts with it all. I just feel so ashamed and alone. People on the internet, wonderful, caring people, have shown more concern and support than anyone in my life and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As a teacher of 40 years l am sorry this has happened so far into your career. It also happened to a friend of mine who was very dedicated teacher, so into her job but due to bullying decided to retire early as she was having panic attacks on her way to work etc.
Have you spoken to your Union Rep about bulling and how you are being forced out of your job?
As said take all the sick leave you can and then sub only when it suits and where it suits.

I'm really sorry to hear what a terrible time you have been having. It's so awful to have been treated this way. You are a great person with great skills and you will find the strength to come through this.

Now is the time to put yourself first. One day at a time, do the things that bring you comfort. Focus whole heartedly on putting yourself back together. Lose yourself in anything that distracts you from the work stuff. The only important thing here is your recovery so take the time you need to feel more like yourself. Perhaps you might find some counselling helpful. I know it helped me get through in the past. In fact even Chat gpt can help if you don't feel up to talking to a person. Please don't feel alone.