Safeguarding Q: Oversharing grief situation

[eixov]

Hi, I'm an ECT who started this month and I'm wondering if I've made the mistake of oversharing personal info with a Y10 student in my form group.

Basically this student saw her mum pass away last year, and I've been asked to keep an eye on her. I could see how down she has been since last week, so i took her aside yesterday and I asked her how she's getting on. She wouldn't say a word. So, in effort to gain trust or make her feel more comfortable, I mentioned that the HOY told me her situation and that my own mother passed away not too long a go and that I have some understanding of what she's going through, and that she can always talk to me about it.

This was yesterday morning. And thinking back i just don't think what I did was appropriate and that I shouldn't have brought my own life into it, or even tried to let her know I knew her situation. Because maybe, school is her chance of not thinking about all that, and isn't good for her own wellbeing at all.

Now I'm worrying about it being a potential safeguarding issue, and my job overall, being on probation still and such!

For experienced teachers here, is what I did out of line? Or am I overthinking it?

I don't personally think you have done anything wrong. You're exactly the kind of person she needs to know has her back right now. Please try not to worry.

I agree with @CeciliaMars . It will take time for her to feel that she can speak to you, but it will come.

If it's any consolation, I did the same, albeit 4.5 years into teaching in a new school. A child was in care, living with the family of another kid in the class. Foster mum came into school to break the news to both girls that foster child's real mum had died. The class was devastated for the FC, so the next PSHE session we talked about losing someone and what to say to not say. There were a lot of tears - several kids had experienced their parents divorcing - and I shared that my own mum had died suddenly the previous year. The class was so protective and kind and it was a real bonding experience. The HoY was very supportive - the only person who moaned was the bloody dinner lady who told me I was too soft on them. They must be at least 40 years old now - hope you guys are all doing well!

I don't think that you did anything wrong. You have shared something from you life that might be of some comfort to the student. You are caring and want to help the student. It's not inappropriate. I guess there is some common sense with what you can and can't share with students from your own life.

It's so difficult because as teachers we do get to know the students so well, and we naturally want to help and we become part of their lives too. Just remember though, that you are not a professional counsellor. Listen to students, sympathise, allow them to speak, give them the space to speak if they want to, write a record for the safeguarding team, ask them if there is anything you can do to help but be carefull with giving advice or making promises. To say "I know how you feel and how tough this is for you. I felt the same when it happened to me" is fine etc. Giving advice such as you should do this or that, be careful about.

Sounds like you are really caring and kind teacher.

You showed her empathy - we could all do with a bit more of that around these days.

Very well put. 👏

Thank you SO much for the reassurance everyone!!🙏

I'll definitely be careful not to advise the student on how to deal with the grief but only listen, show understanding and point it out to my HOY if necessary. It's such a sensitive issue, so it's easy to forget where those boundaries are sometimes.

Edit: Grammar

This is such a sad but heartfelt and uplifting story - thank you for sharing!

Hope those students and yourself are all doing well now!

It sounds like you were kind and supportive. Personally I have never shared that one of my loved ones died young, although I have been tempted when my students talk to me about their grief. I don’t think you need to worry you have messed up, but you probably shouldn’t do it again, as boundaries are really important in teaching - the kids can be very unboundaried, mind you, which makes it more important that we maintain ours. That’s not intended as a criticism, just as advice. How I use my own grief experience is to offer the sort of support that I know I appreciated in the early stages of grief: listening without trying to make it better (‘At least you have your happy memories’ etc - hate that!), giving them a space to come and just ‘be’, validating their feelings by telling them it is ok to feel rubbish/sad etc. Basically showing them I understand rather than telling them why I understand. I think some of them intuit that I do have some experience of how they feel. Sounds like you will be an empathetic teacher that kids can confide in :)