aftermath

[angela223]

I am hoping you can give me some advice on a very sensitive issue. PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE

I have just come out of a brief but passionate and intense affair with a colleague in my department. His wife found out and he ended the affair very suddenly and cut all contact outside of work (phone, social media etc) and has cut me off in school as well.

I have found the abruptness of the split very difficult to deal with, especially as we work in the same office for planning/marking etc. I was asked to attend a meeting with the HOD, head of HR and a member of SLT. I had no idea what this meeting was going to be about. At the meeting they warned me not to communicate about any personal matters with my ex. They said any unwanted communication could be seen as harassment. Surely this is a grey area as we were in a relationship until recently. I was also banned from discussing the matter with other staff members including my HOD.

I was then sent an email reiterating that there should be no personal communication of any kind between myself and my ex, and I should not speak to any staff members about the situation.

My manager has also advised me to avoid any school social events.

I am feeling increasingly isolated in school. My ex is able to compartmentalise much more easily than me. I am very unhappy and feel unsupported by my HOD and incredibly worried about my job. Teaching, marking and planning are going well, but the rest of school life is unbearable. I feel there has been no closure. My mental health is a wreck. I am wondering if what they are saying is reasonable given the circumstances.

I think in those circumstances I would be looking for another job asap.

He clearly wants nothing to do with you.

@BG2015 that last comment was a bit harsh and unnecessary! The OP has posted looking for support.

@angela223 That must be an awful situation to be in. I do think looking for another job is the right thing to do as not being able to have any contact with someone who works in your department is going to be extremely difficult.

I can’t help but wonder why you have been called into meetings? Has he also had similar meetings with SLT and has be been warned not to go to social events? You won’t be the first or last to be involved in a similar situation, I’ve witnessed a few but I’ve never known SLT to get involved even when things have got a bit nasty! If it’s just you being treated like this when he isn’t then that’s unfair and definitely another sign that you should leave.

I think that's what he's hoping I'll do - leave - but it's a really good school, well paid, good behaviour. Why should I be the one to go?

I totally understand that but it’s going to be very challenging for you to continue there especially when it appears you are already being treated less favourably. I’m
assuming his wife has decided to stay with him? The best you can hope for is that she puts pressure on him to look for another school.

Thank you. Unfortunately, she is doing the opposite. She has said he cannot leave.

As he also been advised not to attend socials and not to speak to anyone about what he has done?

My thoughts exactly! I bet he hasn’t! The level of misogyny in education is ridiculous!

What a bitchy comment

The writing is on the wall here OP. You need to get yourself out of that environment. Many teaching roles start to go live for a September start - but alas that is 8 months away and given what is going on you could ask to negotiate your departure date - ie. Leave at Easter or whitsun for the best interests of everyone..

It’s a bit shitty for them to advise that you cannot attend social events - surely you could go and just avoid certain people!

Yeah you need to get out of there. It doesn't sound like they've handled it particularly well but it's a complete, complicated mess.

I disagree that you need to leave. First of all, your reasons for staying are valid, and secondly, why should you (not the cheating bastard) have to leave?

Firstly, go to the damn socials! Obviously avoid him, but don’t avoid socialising.

Secondly, think long term: what do you want your work life to look like in a year? How can you get to that point? Friendships outside of the department? Getting more involved in different elements of school life? Building your professional relationships with your HOD?

Rise above, in every possible way.

Are you in a union, OP?

And, gently, what is the background to your meeting with this management team? We could be more helpful if we knew.

If you have been stressing the guy or if he has presented an accusation of this, I might understand some, but only some, of their warnings. I am not at all sure it is acceptable or even legal to ban you from social events and you need advice on this, ASAP.

If you are not in a union, a chat with ACAS might be a good idea.

However unfair and wrong it may be (because he is the cheat) looking for another job might be the easiest way out. I am not in your sector, so ask in ignorance: would it be possible to use their misogyny to extract a stronger than expected letter of reference? Perhaps with the help of the union or a solicitor?

Best wishes

PS ‘I feel there has been no closure’: you are probably going to need to achieve that without the guy’s involvement.

Difficult, but it happens all the time, and not just to those who are abandoned by married lovers: having your spouse walk out unexpectedly, the sudden, unforeseen death of someone you love, a child gone missing, etc. It’s part of the human condition.

I should have mentioned that we are both married with children.. I've been with my husband for 25 years. He's been married 2 years. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It was complete madness.