State teachers - would you send your own kids private?

[Teapleasemilknosugar]

If you could and cost was not in the equation, would you choose a private education for your own children? And why?

I'm professionally and personally torn on it, but this is the very fortunate position I find myself and my family in, and we can't agree, so I'm interested in wider views from others.

It would completely depend on how much surplus money I had and what the local state schools were like. I'd be more likely to go state and pay for extra tuition, music / sport etc. I'd use the cash towards uni or a house deposit or something.
If behaviour was really awful at the state school or staffing was a big problem I'd consider it if I had the money.

No - I have no opinion on what choices other families make for their individual children but my objection to the existence of private schools is systemic and it would be hypocritical of me to send my own children to a private school when I have spent my whole career trying to improve my corner of state education at a school and systems level.

I think it depends entirely on what the state schools are like in the area. I have worked in some amazing state schools where those paying for private just did so for the status symbol as they were no better. If my current school was my only option, I'd pay private

This is how I feel. We can afford private but have not chosen it for our dc. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t the odd time I have slightly considered it (dd had a bad year in primary where the cohort was very disrupted & then massive state comp has taken a bit of getting used to though she is absolutely thriving there).

We do fund a lot of additional experiences for our dc so they get some of the ‘polish’ they might get as standard at private. Music lessons, public speaking, sports opportunities among others. I love that alongside that they have a very good sense of how other people live though, and how fortunate they are (whereas this is something that took me - coming from my privately educated bubble - until adulthood to really grasp).

It is a very personal decision though. Hopefully they won’t hate us for sticking with our political / moral / social conscience beliefs in this case.

No - having worked in both sectors I would worry about my child from a social perspective. As the class sizes are so small, if you fall out with a friend you might end up with no friends in the class and I think it's harder to find your 'tribe' in a smaller cohort. I think it's better for kids to mix with all sorts of different people and like PP I would prefer to spend the money on clubs / lessons etc.
Also - I don't think the quality of teaching is any better in private schools.

I have always diagreed with the premise of private and don’t think it should be an option. If there were no private schools then maybe the rich would support state more!

However seeing how things are in state now and fighting fire I would probably send my private if I could to try and prevent their learning being disrupted.
They are both very happy at their school though and doing well - I’m forever grateful I didn’t send them to my school.

Thanks all - my views and thoughts are aligned with the majority here. My DH is firmly, immoveable in the private camp, and I'm in the state, in both personal and professional experience.

@Thewholeplaceglitters We can afford private but have not chosen it for our dc What helped you decide? What helped your OH meet you at the same decision, if you don't mind me asking? This is the stalemate we're at.

@BraOffPjsOn this is how my DH argues, because he says that all he hears about my state school is the fire fighting I do so why would he want that for his child? Whilst I recognise that, he refuses to recognise that when someone comes home from work (any work) and wants to decompress from their day they often talk about the negatives automatically!

@Amblesidebadger It would completely depend on how much surplus money I had but if cost is not in the equation....as I said in my OP?

@Teapleasemilknosugar my answer won’t really help because we were always in agreement really. There wasn’t much debate. We were both privately educated but work in the state sector now and are pretty passionate about our work.

Honestly if one of our dc were really unhappy in their state school I guess we’d make a different decision; luckily they’re both thriving. I can see it would be a hard task to convince someone if they were dead set on private because some elements of state are always likely to feel like a compromise.

It’s logistical more than anything but one thing to consider is holidays - if you’re working in state, covering the longer private holidays won’t be easy unless dh is prepared to do that or you have good childcare organised (or you get a job in the private sector too).

@Thewholeplaceglitters I've brought up that point about longer school holidays to cover childcare already, to the extent of counting how many days annual leave DH will have to sacrifice to cover the childcare before I break up, even losing most of his AL he is unfazed and still not open to a discussion.

I've suggested taking it flexibly - start state and if it doesn't work well for our DC then we have the wiggle room to switch to private but that isn't an acceptable solution to DH either.

How old is your child? Would they attend the school where you teach? What did you agree before you started a family? This must have come up before.

Was your DH privately educated and if so, has he ever actually set foot inside a state school? I know a few people who were privately educated from Reception and who genuinely think state schools are a cross between Grange Hill and borstal.

• 4
• no
• we agreed if we were blessed with children they would be educated
• no, it hasn't come up before. We' never knew we would have the opportunity so it was never a discussion. Not sure why you think it must have come up before?
• DH both state, grammar & private
• yes, he's been in a state school. We've also looked at local ones too.
• I have no idea what borstal is.

Just trying to be helpful. It’s normal for couples to discuss things like their beliefs on education, vaccination, religion etc before they start a family, especially if one of them works in a related sector. Even if you had fertility struggles you have presumably now had four years to broach the subject.

I’ve clearly unwittingly touched a nerve so I will wish you good luck.

Yes it is normal to discuss beliefs and all those things etc as you've said, and we have over the course of our 20yr relationship, but we never had a serious conversation about private education as it was never an option to consider. The option has only become a possibility for us in the last few months which is when we've been having those serious discussions about it as an actual feasible option. So there is genuinely no reason to have had serious discussions about private education before.

I meant no criticism. I wish you good luck.

We didn't. But then we couldn't have afforded it without significant compromises in other areas and we have decent state schools here so I'm not a great person to answer. But I wouldn't want to work in a private school, am pleased fees will be taxed and think many should stop having charitable status so you'll guess my politics...

But the question wasn't if it was affordable/cost implications or impact, not was it whether you'd work in one.

We would have got money off fees as DH works in a private school and we still didn't. His maths colleague also didn't but virtually every other teacher does.

From inside the system, DH didn't think it worth the money and I am not supportive of private schooling.

I’m politically opposed to private schools and did not use them for my own children. A decent state school is pretty much always better than a mediocre indie. My nephew is in a naice prep school. It sounds like your DH is similar to my BIL, and assumes that private is always better. My nephew has needed extra maths tuition and hadn’t mastered some fundamental content from the KS1 NC by the middle of y3. I am very unimpressed but BIL will not hear it.

That being said, I have some sympathy with your DH. Presumably he loves you and respects your opinion, and if he only ever hears you offload about the bad stuff then that’s bound to colour his view. You need to ask yourself very honestly - when did you last say something positive about school when you talked about your day, and if you consider everything you say about work at home, what is the proportion of positive to negative?

I wouldn't (unless behaviour was so bad I thought my child wasn't learning or was at risk of harm). If I thought they were learning and we're fine I'd use the money for tutoring in weaker subjects and to pursue interests. I think kids need to mix with people from a range of backgrounds and -in theory - think private schools are unfair. Plus I know quite a few people who went to one and didn't do especially well academically.

@sposabagnata @Amblesidebadger I agree with you both, that my DH is of the mindset 'private is better' and also that I think children need to mix with a broad range of others from different backgrounds rather than a select few.

My DH argues that private offers so much more by way of extra curricular opportunities "like music, sport, drama" - but my argument is always that you can nurture children in state in these areas too, and that I'm evidence of that. He also argues that he feels our DC will 'get forgotten' in the state sector and won't hear anything else, about supporting or stretching all children. He seems to believe that only the private sector can challenge children. And usually I get petty at this point and bring up GCSE results 😆 (old state school me did much better than privately educated him).

He keeps talking about getting the best outcomes whilst I'm always talking about what's best for our child, their personality and nature first and foremost, thinking about the environment they would thrive most in.

I probably do, on balance, talk about more negative than positives with him, but I always talk about the good things and those 'magic moments' with him to but he doesn't hear it or doesn't want to.

I probably do, on balance, talk about more negative than positives with him, but I always talk about the good things and those 'magic moments' with him to but he doesn't hear it or doesn't want to.

Gently, I think there might be some stuff to unpick here. It’s human nature to focus on the negatives when we need to offload and then again to focus on the negatives when we are empathising with the people that we love. Your DH’s overwhelmingly negative view of the state sector has come from (and been reinforced by) something or someone, and you might need to undertake some difficult reflection to realise how much of that has come from you.

You can buy a lot of sport, music and drama opportunities with the money saved. We are quite lucky that we can pay for extra clubs through school (music and sport). I'd look into what the local state schools can actually offer and where else you might get sport / drama or other coaching outside of school.
Most schools will do DofE etc too.

No, but I would work in a decent state school that prioritises children of staff in the admission criteria and put the money I saved towards university or a house deposit.

Oh god yes, absolutely.