Child protection training after own childhood issues (TW: CSA)

[cherrypinkandappleblossomwhite]

Hello, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and could do with some advice. But I don't really know where best to post this query - so please do tell me if there is somewhere better! I also am not completely sure around the etiquette on trigger warnings, but this story involves childhood sexual abuse.

So, my father sexually abused me as a child. It was brief; on the second occasion I headbutted him so hard that we both saw stars and he never tried it again. Somehow I suppressed this memory until after he died a few years ago; I've since read that this is not uncommon. I haven't had any help with this; I tried the GP but she was rude so gave up.

I work in early years, so we have to do child protection training. I've had to do it once since my father died; was extremely nervous, talked to my lovely boss, got through it by sitting right next to her furiously doodling as we went, and my boss made sure I didn't have to contribute to the group discussion elements. It was hard, but I know that it is important and necessary (although hard to escape the feelings of futility). But now my training is due again, and this year we're moving to an online session (still all just my colleagues, but delivered online instead of in person). I'm not very keen on online meetings at all, and not very keen on talking about this issue in my own house as I just don't want it to exist in my home. This is only the second time I've written about it online (because that means bringing it into my headspace in my home), and am feeling quite brave to do that.

I don't know how best to approach the training. My boss has since left and I have two new bosses; one of them was deputy before, and I think she knows about this issue (although it will have been a few years ago) but I haven't spoken to her directly about it. I would be happy to talk to them both - but, gosh, it is hard to broach this.

So my immediate problem is where to do the online training? I don't very much want to do it at home - our house is open-plan and I would have to go in my bedroom which obviously I don't want to do. I've got two teenagers and my husband at home. I could go to a friend's house - I have three friends who would help. I could ask to do it with one of my bosses - neither of them would mind a jot. I think I'd prefer to do it somewhere completely beige like the library, but unfortunately this is in the evening so the library is closed. Any advice or ideas? I can't be the first person ever to be in this situation, sadly.

Hello, me again. I asked Mumsnet to move this post over from mental health to the staffroom. I used to be a primary school teacher but work in early years now - I figure there must (sadly) be others working in education who have had this sort of issue. Advice and ideas would be gratefully appreciated.

Sorry for you awful experiences OP. Can you do it at work?

What the format? Is it teams?

Most safeguarding I have done is lecture style as no one enjoys it and it repetitive every year. So teams on headphones on camera off mic off. Doodle and try and keep up - copy other answers and so on.

But obviously it's the most important part of our job.

I had a traumatic childhood and fostered out. I asked our safeguarding lead to allow me to exit the room for what I knew were my triggers. Mostly it is fine but one year it was quite visual.

It does not make me weaker- I still know all the relevant material. I feel I am more aware of safeguarding risks than others. School are fine with me leaving when videos showing violence and neglect are used.

Hello, thanks for all the responses (here and in direct messages). Sorry for dropping that and then not replying.
So, I talked to my managers about this. It turned out there was a new solution - we have just signed up for online training courses, and I was able to do the CP one separate from all my colleagues. So that meant I was able to sit and do it at the library. All done, and this will work for me in future too.
Thanks again for your support and understanding - very much appreciated.