Acute post-Ofsted anxiety

[CozyWinterDuvet]

I’m subject lead (foundation subject).

For background, I am currently struggling with anxiety and depression. I have caring responsibilities and this, coupled with my workload has meant I’m struggling to cope. I’ve been on anti-depressants for a few months but they aren’t doing much. The GP has just upped my sertraline to 100mg to see if that helps.

We had Ofsted last month and they did a deep dive into my subject. I hated every second. I found the meetings with the inspector very stressful. I got flustered and I didn’t present the subject to the best of my ability at all. The lesson observations/feedback went better but overall I feel ashamed of myself and my performance.

However - the inspectors upped our overall rating from good to outstanding. I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense but I feel that the rating was in spite of me instead of because of me if that makes sense? I can’t take any relief/sense of pride in the judgment because I feel I let everyone down. I keep turning the interview with the inspector over in my mind and thinking that I made a total fool of myself.

My head overheard some of my interactions with the inspector and I’ve been avoiding him ever since. I’m sure he thinks I don’t have a handle on my subject at all. He’s asked to meet with me and other subject leads next week to see where we go from here and I’m so, so anxious.

Please help. I’m spiralling.

Oh bless you. Please take a deep breath and, if you won't accept the praise from Ofsted, at least accept it from us on here as you deserve it in buckets!

I am Foundation Stage myself and to be given outstanding is a fantastic achievement. We are often our harshest critics and that definitely sounds the case here as Ofsted do not hand out outstanding gradings like sweets. Clearly you and your team deserve it, even if you can't yet see it yourself. It sounds to me like your depression is clouding your judgement, which is very very normal to doubt yourself and think bad of yourself when you're feeling so low.

If your Headteacher had concerns they would have voiced them by now, and privately rather than in front of other leads. Believe me when I say they will not be voicing concerns after an outstanding judgement, so please stop worrying about this meeting if you can.

We are due Ofsted imminently, so I've never experienced a real one myself but I had a practise deep dive during our last SIG visit and I too was a quivering mess and felt like I just babbled and bluffed my way through it. However, I was told afterwards that I came across well so I'm trying to take confidence from that and believe it for myself as I definitely didn't feel like I did well at the time. As I said, we tend to be our harshest critics. If anything, I'd say anyone who comes away from something so nerve wreaking blowing their own trumpet and thinking they did great is probably a bit overconfident and is setting themselves up for a fall. I don't know a single teacher who does think like that to be honest. I think we're all hyper-critical of our own performance by nature, as we're always striving to do better. It's the teacher in us!

Honestly, go easy on yourself. Congratulations on your great Ofsted result. I truly hope now it's over you can begin to relax a bit and focus on your mental health.

Thank you @BoleynMemories13 for your very kind and considered reply. I re-read it several times and it really did help.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and emailed the head first thing on Monday to request a debrief before the meeting with the subject leads. He managed to squeeze me in today and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. He said that Ofsted had praised intent, implementation and assessment with regard to my subject and there were only a few small development points.

I feel a huge sense of relief that I didn’t let anyone down and am finally allowing myself to feel a bit proud. Now the pressure is off a bit, I will prioritise my mental health. I clearly need to!