SEN question (from parent - hoping for wide range of experience!)

[drspouse]

I'm the parent of a DS who is 11 and in a specialist SEMH school.
On his EHCP (which I think is a good provision) it says he should spend time with playground buddies/other children who have better social skills than him.
Only thing is, at his tiny school there are no such children, for obvious reasons, and he finds calm neurotypical children easier to get on with than his classmates (though he's relaxing into the group after a bully was removed).

I am wondering if anyone knows if there is such a thing as a partnership/reciprocal exchange programme with specialist and mainstream schools? We aren't thinking of moving him just now - it would either be something to talk about setting up or else looking for a school that does this for the future.

His school actually has lovely grounds and facilities and would be a great resource for mainstream years 5/6/7 to burn off some energy - I'm thinking of a couple of schools near us (one primary, one secondary) that are on main roads with astroturf and concrete (the primary) or a few muddy playing fields and a gym that's alternately roasting and freezing (the secondary).

I have Googled partnerships between mainstream and specialist schools but they mainly seem to be for SENCOs to learn from each other or for pupils who are transitioning to mainstream, which he isn't likely to unless he gets more comfortable around larger groups of children.

A 'load' is just a figure of speech to convey a bunch of kids. You're implying a solution to this could be the local schools using the school grounds. That would bring a load of mainstream school kids onto the school grounds no? Maybe I'm misunderstanding I don't know.

In your op it says: 'it says he should spend time with playground buddies/other children who have better social skills than him."
That's access no? I don't know the exact wording on your ehcp and I'm trying my best to give you actual advice. I'm really confused why you're giving such snarky replies, there's really no need for rudeness.

All the best with it.

As a senco of a mainstream school, I can’t see how this would work. You’d need consent from the mainstream pupils’ parents plus available staff to supervise for the visits which in these cash-strapped times, many schools just don’t have.

@Redlocks28 This is kind of what I'm getting at. However lovely the grounds, it sounds like an enormous headache.
I'm really sorry op, I really don't mean this to be rude or snarky, you sound like you're at your wits end as to how to meet this need, but if your son's EHCP was well written, well, this part, you wouldn't have to be doing this research. It would be very specific eg 1hr per week access to mainstream peers or something like that. A well written plan should leave no question as to the need or provision. The reality is very different I know. My DDs EHCP is amazingly well put together but there are still bits like this that I just had no strength to fight for. I guess what I'm saying is, you shouldn't have to be looking for a solution to this. It should already be there.

Don’t know if this is what you are looking for but many years ago I was a playscheme leader for social services. We used to support our children to access the local mainstream play schemes. It worked really well. Most of our children were 1:1 so they always had support but got to play and do all the activities with other children. Do you have anything like this in your area?

That's exactly what we need but we don't have anything like that. We would use 1:1 or PA support but we have great difficulty getting anyone to fill that role. Schools have his TA that he's used to so don't have that barrier.

Is his SEMH school state? Could you request his TA to be funded term time plus one week? That way they could attend a play scheme with him during a half term?

It isn't, but that's worth a thought - he's just going into Y7 (though it's an all through school) so there are limited opportunities for holiday schemes at his age but I can at least have a look out (everyone keeps trying to push the PMLD holiday club on us which would be totally inappropriate but also doesn't really do his level of behaviour issue).

Most mainstream clubs unfortunately just say no when I describe some of his behaviours (which are mainly hiding/running off or not participating, at the moment, not intrusive to other children) unfortunately, and most staff in the clubs are not at all trained (in fact the Local Offer holiday scheme was the same - he was chilling but on his own so "he isn't enjoying himself, come and get him").

How frustrating for you. If he's in a independent, are the holidays longer than state? Can you request a personal budget? I wouldn't say too much in advance to the play scheme workers. I never do to be honest as if they get DDs EHCP before they meet her, they're expecting a pretty much mute naughty child. She's actually very mainstream.
Put your foot down as well, you don't need to get him if he's chilling on his own. He's not magically going to be making friends. Takes time.
Is he aggressive towards others? That may be what they're worried about when they hear SEMH school.

PMLD holiday clubs is a ridiculous idea for a child with his profile, I agree. Do you have any play schemes for ASD kids local to you? They are often very good at working with them on what is socially acceptable etc.

@Foxesandsquirrels we have nothing like that. The MLD holiday club only has room for their own school and "doesn't do behaviour". He isn't aggressive to other children, he retreats if they overwhelm him unless they are attacking him (only happened twice in 4 years and those were children the specialist school thought were "just like him")
As far as holiday care goes, I'd happily send him to run around in the playground with a 1:1 at a mainstream club but they usually turn up their noses. It's not ideal for getting to know other children though as unless they have some connection they don't approach him. We had a couple of good friends from nursery but their goodwill is long gone and his mainstream school friends are also too long ago to be that interested (plus some of their parents look at me like dirt).

What do you mean by 'doesn't do behaviour'?

They say they won't take children whose primary difficulties are behavioural.

I can see why you think it would be a nice idea for students from e.g. local primaries to come and use the facilities at his school for PE or similar, but I think there are a few issues with this which mean it probably wouldn't happen.

1. Consent- schools would need parental consent from all parents to take a class off site. In this sort of scenario, it's very likely unfortunately some parents wouldn't consent, and that creates a headache for the visiting school, as they then need to provide appropriate provision for those children whilst these visits are going on, and those children may be effectively missing out on part of the curriculum.

It's also worth bearing in mind that some of the visiting students may have needs that mean going to a new setting like this would be difficult for them.

2. Cost/Time- if the visiting school isn't in walking distance (which if rural, I'm guess it's not?) then you've got the cost of coach travel, which most schools can't afford right now, and the time it takes to get to you- in a jam packed curriculum, where schools are under a lot of pressure to ensure all students are making progress, most schools won't want their students taking time out to do this.

3. For the school where your DS goes, they have to balance his needs with the needs of the rest of the cohort- brining in a group of external children for this type of activity may be difficult for a lot of other students into the school, and they have to ensure everyone's safety.

To be honest, it sounds to me like this part of the ECHP is outdated, as it was written when your DS was in mainstream, and it would be much better replaced with something that's actually actionable! Others have suggested maybe his TA from school could take him to a club one day a week, or funding for his TA to do a week in the holidays with him- I think these may be more actionable?

Do you have any friends with NT children a similar age who'd do a playdate?

The problem is, the mainstream school's job is to do the best by their children. The curriculum is packed and time is short - they aren't going to have capacity to fit in partnering with the local special school when really thats only really for the benefit of your child, and far less so the others.

Do you have any friends with NT children a similar age who'd do a playdate?
He's 11, so the other DCs his age are really beyond having parents arrange their playdates. The parents from his first mainstream school all tilt their heads sympathetically when I talk to them but are clearly not interested in having him anywhere near their children, and I don't know any other parents of children of similar age that are not children like him (some of whom he finds difficult, and some vice versa).

But honestly, one playdate a month is not going to cut it with him.
He needs to get to know children he sees regularly and frequently (I was discussing this with another mum with a child with ASD, who's actually out of school, and we both realised our DCs only ever make friends with children they see on a daily basis for weeks at a time i.e. in school).

I was actually thinking this OP. I'm not sure a 1x a week thing will help much on balance of how hard it'll be to fight for it, to how likely a friendship will blossom. Kids can be quite mean at that age, and there is a risk that your DS will see the mainstream kids just enough to be labeled the 'difficult' kid, with no friendships blossoming. That's the age kids really don't keep up friendships unless they go to the same school, and even then it doesn't always happen. There is a secondary school near us that has a very high % of SEN and even those kids who were close to the SEN kids in primary, drift apart and lean more towards the mainstream peers once they're in Y7. It's a tricky age where everyone wants to fit in.
My heart is breaking for you as I've been thinking on and off for a couple of days about various scenarios that could potentially help you, but on balance everything seems to come to a dead end.
Depending on the severity of his behaviour needs, I would try scouts when he's a bit older. Does he have ADHD? Could meds help? Sorry if this is a silly question, I'm sure you've been asked it many times.

The EHCP quite rightly doesn't really suggest that a social skills buddy will become a friend (you can't put in a provision to "have friends" in an ECHP for very good reasons!).

He only has a diagnosis of ADHD and he is on as many meds as we can get at the moment. He does not have a diagnosis of ASD (ironically, he has too few communication difficulties - he knows more or less how you are supposed to communicate well, he just has so little practice at it that he is overwhelmed by social anxiety). If he only had a diagnosis of ASD it might be easier as he would have more access to a wider range of schools with calmer children that he might want to be friends with (even if he wasn't learning much socially from them).

He's currently too anxious to do Scouts (he's old enough) because of some horrible things that happened in Cubs, but as usual we find that the leaders "don't think he's benefitting" even when he is calm and observing because he isn't doing everything the other DCs do.

No one has said the EHCP should say that but the provision to meet that need does need to be outlined as obviously a large part of his social needs aren't being met.

It is outlined (or at least, the first step is outlined) but it's never been provided, not even in mainstream.

Well, whatever the next step is needs to be outlined and clearly provided for in section F.