Advice needed for EYFS teacher

[MrTeacher2022]

Hello! Male reception teacher here: not a mum so I hope that’s okay! 😊 I would really like to hear other teacher’s opinions and the views from a parent’s perspective.

6th year of teaching, second year in EYFS. I’ve always had a good relationship with parents: none have ever had an issue in regards to how I have supported pupils or dealt with situations.

We listened to the children in both classes read a line for the Nativity show and then decided on parts accordingly. There were a couple we had to change but the children and parents were not aware of this. Only then did we give out parts for our Nativity with the speaking parts attached to the parents in both Reception classes. There isn’t a ‘main part’ as such: all speaking roles have similar amounts of speech.

One girl, ‘X’, was absent at the time when we ‘auditioned’ them. We know this mum would work very hard with her daughter, and knowing the child, we felt she would be perfect for the part of the main angel. This role isn’t the main part as I said, there are none, but the show is named after her.

After a couple of practices in the hall it was clear to us staff that she wasn’t managing well with the role. To her credit, she tried, but the main issue was her squirming around a lot and a lack of enthusiasm. She was nervous, but that’s understandable. Of course, 4 year olds aren’t meant to be sat down for extended periods, but as she was hardly listening at all or joining in with singing, it was clear we’d made somewhat of a mistake.

I spoke to the mum Friday and explained to her that we know she is a parent who would work hard with ‘X’ at home and really support her with it. That combined with her daughter being so articulate, we strongly felt she would be a good fit. I asked mum to talk to ‘X’ about the role and see if she would prefer something with slightly less speech but more dancing. She wouldn’t be in the centre of the stage so there was less pressure on her and help with the nerves. I said we want ‘X’ to thrive and be comfortable.

I spoke to the mum today before school. She explained that she did have a chat with ‘X’ and they were happy to try and still work at it. We said “of course”. Staff were happy to persevere, but in rehearsal today, ‘X’ said she didn’t want to do the role. We asked if she wanted to do a dancing part instead and she said “Yes”. Perhaps flippantly, she also said she didn’t want to be in the show.

I spoke to Mum after school and explained that ‘X’ says she didn’t want to be in that role. I told mum what she had said and asked if it would be okay in light of this to change her role. I showed her the potential new lines, a similar amount, and explained that she would be able to do more dancing which she is great at. There was also less focus on her to deal with the nerves. Mum was okay with this. She was upbeat about it in front of ‘X’ and seemingly understood. She made it clear to ‘X’ how brilliant she would be as the new role.

At 4:15 on SeeSaw, where parents communicate with us and we upload work, Mum sent myself and EYFS educator a message. She explained that ‘X’ cried on the way home. X says that she wants to do it and is just nervous. Mum says we have been “brutal to punish someone for being nervous”. Mum says we have “knocked her confidence and made her feel bad.” Mum says we should have been more patient and that we have also knocked her confidence (the mum’s) as a parent.

In hindsight, we think we shouldn’t have given ‘X’ the role to begin with as she wasn’t there for the audition. We perhaps assumed it would be a natural fit. That is on us of course. We have explained this previously, but feel that being called “brutal” is a stretch to far. We also don’t believe we are “punishing” her. We’re trying to help her thrive in something more suitable. I messaged back and have arranged a meeting with mum, myself and the EYFS lead
tomorrow before school.

MY QUESTIONS
Is there anything else I should do in the meantime? Words like “brutal” and “punish” do make me worry if that makes sense.

Is there anything I should do going forward?

I’m sure we could have done things differently. Is the mum justified in what she says? I’m prepared to admit fault where it is due.

Thank you.

You’ve done nothing wrong at all. The mother sounds like a nightmare. You gave the kid more than enough chances! It sounds to me as if you’ve given up enough time to the mother and daughter, I wouldn’t even bother with a meeting.

Calm down a bit and remember it’s only an infant nativity.

If you’ve made it 6 years in without a disagreement with a parent you’re fairly unusual. These things happen sometimes.

From the mum’s point of view, her child had the main role and now she doesn’t. She will have told people etc and it will feel disappointing to change that. Especially as you were so sure I’m her / her daughter’s abilities you selected her without audition! Then you asked again reiterating mum’s key role in it all, and in the same day you confirmed it with her, you’ve unilaterally taken it away again. She’s going to be feeling disappointed, and hurt, and not seeing the big picture re her daughter’s happiness.

Right now she’s responding emotionally, hence the harsh words. That’s ok. Go into your meeting tomorrow knowing exactly what you are prepared to offer - could the girl have her original role back? If not, what is good about the other role & how will you support her.

Next year, don’t hand roles out without auditioning & checking what children want to be, and don’t get so stressed over an infant nativity - they’re all full of fidgeting distracted children, that’s part of the charm.

If you're worried the mum is gearing up for a complaint and you're worried about how that would be received then you can always have a chat with your union rep. Honestly parental complaints do happen and are usually not a big deal, if you've got through 6 years without one or having a parent overreact (and she is) you are doing well, but I understand why it is scary.

If you really think X shouldn't have the role, don't offer it back at the meeting - otherwise you are potentially setting up years of parents complaining to get the role they want for their child.

At the meeting I would really sell the new role. Go down the route of "we would never keep a child in a role that is making them unhappy, it's not a punishment but about her enjoyment" etc.

But the parent sounds pretty over the top, so I'm not sure how much success you will have!

She is being ridiculous. Explain that your only concern is that her daughter is not put under pressure and that she enjoys the performance. Having a different role is not a punishment.

Infant nativities (reception especially) are unpredictable! A child might be confident and enthusiastic before hand and completely distracted/speechless on the day, another might be the reverse.

If all the roles had relatively similar amounts of speech etc, does it really matter if the child in this role seems particularly likely to fluff it up a bit?

They've only been in school a couple of months, don't make too much of a big deal over it.

Oh the dramas of the nativity! Parent does sound like hard work.
One practical tip- if the child seem too wobble, I would try to pair them up with another child to help saying lines together.

I wouldn't change my mind once I had given parts out. Also don't give parents or children the impression that it is up for negotiation ( it will save you a lot of headaches !) The trick is picking the right children for parts in the first place. I usually get them to practice a line of speech or 1st line of nursery rhyme in front of their class....if they can manage this they tend to be fine with plenty of practice.
As others have said...try not to build it up. The worst that can happen on thd day is that you say the line with them. The parents will love it and it seem to miss the parts which go pear shaped.

Also encourage them to communicate face to face wherever possible. We have a policy of our See saw not to be used for communication which requires a two way conversation. It becomes a forum for complaining parents. We reply with " I feel this would be better as a face to face discussion. I will catch you to arrange a suitable time "

Reception parents are awful 😂 I'm assuming the child doesn't have any older siblings either so this is mum's first experience of infant school nativity?

Explain you're on the same side - to support the child to thrive and feel positive about their school experience. Meet with mum and the child and ask the child together what you can all do to help achieve that.