How to deal with a resentful colleague?

[Laura2121]

Hello all,

I recently moved across the country to take up a Head of Department role in a school. Things are generally good so far.

However there is a colleague in my team, a long-standing teacher who had internally applied for my job before it was given to me.

My boss had warned me that she might be a little resentful towards me when I started but he was blasé about it and said she’d be fine after a few weeks.

However, 2 months on and she hasn’t let me see the end of it. Which isn’t helped by the fact that she’s a very direct and feisty older woman whereas I’m a soft-spoken and polite young woman, who has never made her to feel I’m more senior to her.

Her treatment of me has included:

• Digs at me here and there, all centred around the fact that I’m Head of Dept (eg “ahh but you’re the head of dept should you not have done XYZ today?”

• Speaking especially loudly when bantering with someone when she sees I’m trying to focus on something important.

• Excluding me from social conversations whereas the others want to involve me. Even when I do join, she won’t give me any eye contact/ she will talk to someone else in response to a question I ask her.

• Excluding me in subtle other ways, eg one day she made lots of brownies and brought them into the office, offered them to everyone except me and then closed the lid when she saw that I was coming.

• Taking things from my room (but not personal items) without asking me first

There is nothing I have said or done that makes this woman treat me in this way. Being a nice person I have tried being all the more sweet to this woman knowing of the background of her resentment, but nothing seems to be working.

My boss (our Head of Faculty) has noticed that this colleague and I don’t get on well and he has just said I “need to be the bigger person as the more senior figure and make an effort with the relationship”. But he doesn’t seem to get the female dynamics which are quite blatantly at play here.

Would love some ideas on what to do. Thank you

who has never made her to feel I’m more senior to her.

To be honest, I think you need to. Others may disagree but there is nothing wrong with being firm (and polite) - asking them to please keep the noise down in a working environment, for example.

The sweeter you are to her, the more she’ll think you’re scared of her. Stand your ground.

My boss (our Head of Faculty) has noticed that this colleague and I don’t get on well and he has just said I “need to be the bigger person as the more senior figure and make an effort with the relationship”. But he doesn’t seem to get the female dynamics which are quite blatantly at play here

Your HoF is hand balling this back to you, and making it personal when it is professional.

PLEASE don't go down the "female dynamics" route, as this will play into your HoF's hands. Nothing you have described is about women. Your HoF has noticed, make it their problem.

Stop being nice to her and do let her know you are more senior than her. You will need to be assertive, but firm.

You've got some good advice here, but also I'd look into some leadership training to give you some more specific ways to communicate with her. I'd also try to politely discuss the passive aggressive comments (you're HoD shouldn't you xyz) and let her know that you understand she might not be aware of all the work you have to see to, but that's okay, and it's up to only you how you manage your time. If you need her input, you'll be sure to ask her. Then ask her how she's getting on with xyz and if she needs any support with CPD and her next steps in her career path. Odds are she wants to float out the rest of her career at this school without actually having to challenge herself, and she thinks you took that opportunity from her. It's.likely she doesn't actually want to be a HoD (wouldn't leave school for the role) but wanted the money/time/title. So tiring of people who feel entitled to these sorts of things.

Everyone else here is suggesting being much nicer than I would be. I’m a Head of Dept too.

This is not ‘female dynamics’ - this is pathetic, petty bullying. She shouldn’t be behaving like this in the first place but you need to be assertive here. She’s feeding in your lack on confidence.

When she says ‘shouldn’t you have done XYZ?’ you can respond with ‘That’s not your concern.’

When she speaks over you, stop talking. Ask her if there’s a problem. Make her feel like the rude, childish person that she is.

When she closes the lid on the box of brownies, say ‘oh lovely, brownies. Can I have one?’ Then take two

Don’t engage her in social conversations and absolutely stop being ‘sweet’. She’s sensing that you want her approval. Bullies can smell weakness.

Sort her out! You’re the boss!

I had the same thing happen to me. Unfortunately I'm seeing this from the 'you are in the leadership role, you need to make it work' point of view.

Ask to talk with her about it - have you done that yet? The 'sorry you didn't get the position, but... ' conversation. You can't be annoyed about brownies, that's stupid, you also can't take it personally about her being loud and a dick.

Please don't make it about women or age of women either. Just two colleagues where one went for the job that ultimately someone else got. Always a risk when you go for promotion anyway. Part of your job is dealing with it.

It's uncomfortable but sometimes you DO need to pull rank.. gently at first. Some people DO need bringing down a peg or two. After all there's a reason you were chosen over her.

It's not a woman thing either. I had a similar thing when I was promoted over a man. He kept making digs in front of the crowd and once I made a sharp, jokey retort back and everyone laughed. He left me alone after that. But he didn't seem to hold a grudge and we worked well after that. Perhaps she's just trying it on, could you try something like that, next time she ignores you in a crowd say something like 'was it something I said?' to her (or similar!) and let everyone notice. She'll most likely be embarrassed. And then later on, if you need to, you can bring up her attitude in a quiet talk.

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your advice. Very helpful to read.
Since this was bothering me so much, to the point that I had quite an unhappy evening last night dwelling on how she had treated me yesterday, I decided to finally have a chat with this lady first thing this morning.

Even asking her for a chat was a challenge- she was a little resistant to going somewhere private and asked if she needs to bring a 3rd person as an independent listener A little weird when you’re for the first time asking someone for a private chat?

This is how I worded the talk:

1. I have observed that she’s a kind person to others and that she’s well-liked by her students

2. I have been feeling unwelcome by some of the things she has said to me

3. I have never been anything but kind and respectful towards her, and am thus not sure where it is coming from. All I ask is that she treats me nicely in return. I said I’d love it if we could get on and work together.

She initially played the “didn’t mean to be nasty card”, denied any wrongdoing with no apology, but, acknowledged that yes I had never been disrespectful to her.

I said, good, this conversation is an opportunity for her to hear how I have been feeling so that she has the opportunity to act on it. I gently reminded her that I’m also her line manager.

At this point, she started getting angry.

First, she got a nasty shock because she thought it’s our HoF who was her line manager. I said, well if that’s what’s contributed to how you’ve been treating me, now that you know it’s me I hope it’ll be different.

She then started talking about a time when she confessed she didn’t like something I (unknowingly) did, and kept harping on it. I said I’d be more mindful of that going forward.

I wrapped up the conversation saying:
“The point of this conversation is for you to hear how I feel. You’ve listened to me, I’ve listened to you, let’s just be more respectful towards each other going forward and draw a line under it all”. She agreed and that was that.

I hope that this conversation does make a difference, especially because, she saw me as a weak individual before I pulled her aside for this chat.

But If this still doesn’t work, I am not sure what my next step is to take? Do I go to HR? My HoF is very inefficient at these things and I see no reason to go to him again.

Thanks again for your help

No, you don't go to HR. You manage the relationship. As suggested, it sounds like you would benefit from some leadership training, look into the NPQs

Oh OP, I had something similar when I went for my first promotion, head of subjects and second in faculty. Unbeknown to me, the lady I had trouble with had been acting my role, been interviewed the first time round and not got the job. The trouble was due then had the second half of the summer term to turn the kids against me which really didn't help. I arrived to lots of "you stole Mrs X's office" etc. I was new, enthusiastic but the relentless bashing I took from her and the general shitness of the school got me to the point that I resigned in the February half term (although I saw the year out as I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she had anything to do with my decision to leave). The acting faculty head was very supportive and threatened union intervention which helped her back off but I was too young and inexperienced to really be able to handle a much older colleague who threw everything she could at me (including throwing out the kids coursework and telling the exams officer that I'd done it).

It sounds like you've taken a positive step though, well done.

Frugalkitty that sounds appalling!

I agree with others that this shouldn't be presented as a female dynamic problem, this is a member of your team who is undermining you. There might be some good blogs or books out there you could try reading to give you a script or suggestions for how to address her.

Ultimately you got the job and she didn't, and that's worth constantly reminding yourself of - rise above it (easier said than done) - be clear, be fair but don't play down your authority.

@frugalkitty

Oh OP, I had something similar when I went for my first promotion, head of subjects and second in faculty. Unbeknown to me, the lady I had trouble with had been acting my role, been interviewed the first time round and not got the job. The trouble was due then had the second half of the summer term to turn the kids against me which really didn't help. I arrived to lots of "you stole Mrs X's office" etc. I was new, enthusiastic but the relentless bashing I took from her and the general shitness of the school got me to the point that I resigned in the February half term (although I saw the year out as I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she had anything to do with my decision to leave). The acting faculty head was very supportive and threatened union intervention which helped her back off but I was too young and inexperienced to really be able to handle a much older colleague who threw everything she could at me (including throwing out the kids coursework and telling the exams officer that I'd done it).

It sounds like you've taken a positive step though, well done.

Frugalkitty I am so sorry for this :( This sounds like absolute hell. In a way it does make me feel slightly better that things aren’t that bad for me. But This lady also is good friends with someone else who has tried to bully me as well, who I’m also the line manager for (I manage these women, both older than me). The worst thing here is that my head of faculty has admitted to having favouritism towards long-standing colleagues, meaning it’s simply my word against theirs if I tell him about an incident. I can see this issue making me want to leave this place. It is hard because I love everything else about the school. I honestly have to leave at some point soon :(

@furrysocks

Frugalkitty that sounds appalling!

I agree with others that this shouldn't be presented as a female dynamic problem, this is a member of your team who is undermining you. There might be some good blogs or books out there you could try reading to give you a script or suggestions for how to address her.

Ultimately you got the job and she didn't, and that's worth constantly reminding yourself of - rise above it (easier said than done) - be clear, be fair but don't play down your authority.

Thank you for the tip, will look for good reading material on it!

I think there is a book called radical candour which might be worth a look, I've heard it's helpful anyway.

Are there any other HoDs you could confide in? There are often some who have been in the post for years, seen it all, done it all and just learning from their experiences might help, even if you have to be non specific about your own situation.

HoD can be really lonely as you often get the shit from both sides, so to speak. Maybe finding someone who can help you build up your confidence and assertiveness could help.

Acting like this shows she was not the right person for the job. Hopefully the conversation this morning will have cleared the air. Unfortunately this happens a lot in schools and l have had a few friends who ended up leaving schools as the atmosphere was too toxic.

All three including your faculty head don’t sound great.
These kind of people feed off any kind of weakness. Best approach is professional and friendly to stone cold approach when needed (even when that isn’t your natural personality). I don’t mean being like them and ignoring.
Just blank faced and direct when required.
Yes, you are there to manage two of the people you mentioned but I’ve seen too many good people leave schools because of this kind of behaviour.
Keep a record of further incidents including comments you’ve said your faculty head has made re:favouritism. If this escalates in the future, it could be useful for meetings with SMT (providing they are supportive).

How on earth did she not know you were her line manager after a term? Do you not have line management meetings with her?

@FartnissEverbeans

Everyone else here is suggesting being much nicer than I would be. I’m a Head of Dept too.

This is not ‘female dynamics’ - this is pathetic, petty bullying. She shouldn’t be behaving like this in the first place but you need to be assertive here. She’s feeding in your lack on confidence.

When she says ‘shouldn’t you have done XYZ?’ you can respond with ‘That’s not your concern.’

When she speaks over you, stop talking. Ask her if there’s a problem. Make her feel like the rude, childish person that she is.

When she closes the lid on the box of brownies, say ‘oh lovely, brownies. Can I have one?’ Then take two

Don’t engage her in social conversations and absolutely stop being ‘sweet’. She’s sensing that you want her approval. Bullies can smell weakness.

Sort her out! You’re the boss!

Good advice!