First telling-off led to angry parent?

[Laura2121]

Hi all,

I have recently joined a new school, from the start of this term 4 weeks ago. This is my first secondary school; I have only ever worked at sixth form colleges, for the 6 years that I have been teaching thus far.

Things are generally good and there are not that many behaviour issues at this school.
However there is one student in Year 10 who is a little rude and passive aggressive towards me. After letting a few incidents slide, yesterday I held her behind after class for a chat. I told her off a bit for her behaviour. This is the first time I have had to do something like this at this school.

She was still a little rude to me during this chat, but then got a bit upset and apologised, which I told her I appreciate. I wrapped up the talk by saying “Moving on, let’s just be more respectful to each other.” But she could tell I was still not happy with her when we finished the conversation.

After our chat, she went crying to my line manager, who also teaches her another subject and has known her for a while, and she threw me under a bus to him. She twisted some facts and fabricated things to him. However she did also say, “I really like Miss D, I’m not sure why she is angry on me!”

After school she also went crying home to her mum who came into the school that evening (we had an open evening on that day for which this particular girl was helping out). Her mum found my boss at the open evening and apparently said “Take me to Miss D right now! Where is she!!”

My boss didn’t bring her to me, wisely anticipating a volcanic eruption from this lady’s apparent wrath. Instead he advised her to “leave it with him”, and told her he would touch base with her in a week’s time.

This lady also told him though that I am one of her daughter’s favourite teachers. Which is reassuring to hear.

My boss’ advice to me when he came and found me afterwards was, ensure to make up with the student on Monday, smile big, and move things on quickly.

However I am left upset by the whole thing. This was simply a telling-off for recurrent rude behaviour, why am I the one that should suffer the consequences, only for an angry parent who was given a twisted account of events?

I am wondering if anyone has any advice on situations like this? My boss has given me some good advice in that he said I should just be careful with how I choose my words when I tell people off; he gave me the good advice of prefixing things with “I feel you’re being..” rather than “you are being…”.

If I had worked in schools for a longer time I would definitely have had more experience with things like this. I would really appreciate some advice from members on here too who have worked in schools for a while and are willing to share their experiences, thank you

When I was doing my teacher training I had a parent complain that I'd accused her daughter of lying because she hadn't handed her homework in. I have learnt to be careful with how to word things. Sometimes though you do need to stand your ground and say "I did nothing wrong, she needed a telling off". You could do the none apology line of "I'm sorry you feel that way".

Welcome to teaching.

If the SLT is supportive then don't overthink it.

If they're not think about other schools.

Don't let this spoil your weekend. Enjoy your Sunday and go on Monday with a smile. It's just a job.

I'd stop viewing things as a "telling off" and view it as a discussion on behaviour. I mean, if you view it as a telling off, it seems like you're going to sit down a student and just rant at them, which is what it sounds like you did and why you're in this situation. Have a discussion, find more effective ways to manage behaviour as you go, don't let it pile up until you get frustrated and feel like you need to 'tell off' a student. You don't need to 'tell off' anyone, you're an adult, you can discuss things like an adult. Leave the telling off to children.

It is sometimes wise to have another member of staff present. Be factual about the behaviour that is problematic. Stick on something g nice like I can see you are a student with lots of potential and I want to make sure you are successful. If the parent is a known pita get in early by calling yourself to share the issue and how you dealt with it.

I wonder what you are counting as rudeness and passive aggressive behaviour from her, as that is not very common behaviour with one of your favourite teachers?

@cansu has it. Set out your expectations at the start (now might be a good time to reiterate them) and don't deviate until everyone is onside.

Remember that if you are criticising a student, criticise the behaviour not the person and start with something positive.

If it's any consolation, in my 1st school way back in the last millennium in a challenging suburb of a large northern conurbation, it was y9 parents evening, The local "hard" family rocked up, keen to know how their (naughty) son was getting on. The head of lower school sidled up and said quietly "any problems, let me know because dad's well known for being trouble". So I told him that his son had a definite talent for music but it was a shame other kids distracted him. The dad was thrilled to hear about the"talent" - he was paying for piano lessons - and said "don't you worry Ms Malbec, I'll sort out anyone messing about in your class stopping my lad from learning". Job done!