Team problems

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

Hoping for some school based advice as feeling a bit rubbish about something minor today.
It’s my 40th this week and was our heads a few weeks ago. We all had a lunch (socially distanced in our hall) for hers and everyone came to eat etc. For context it was also the last day of term so much more upbeat.
We planned to do similar for mine today as I’m off on my actual birthday. Everyone bar the members of the team I line manage came. They all went to their staff room and ate their lunch.
We aren’t friends - different ages, I’m their manager etc but we all get along and work well together. It was a very deliberate thing as no way you could miss what were doing. People joined last time with their own lunches than joining in.
I feel hurt obviously but also annoyed as it’s bloody rude! And also worried that I perhaps have no idea about how my team is functioning as I thought it was all going ok.
My dilemma is do I try and address what’s going on somehow? Or am I just being sensitive as my feelings are hurt?
I feel like I’m at school again being pushed out of the in crowd.

Gosh you poor thing, that sounds really hurtful.
I have been getting some bad vibes from the people I love mange this year and it’s always been fine before. I wonder if people’s anxieties over all of the new Corona rules are being blamed on managers at the moment?
If I were you I’d pretend I hadn’t noticed and move on but keep your ear to the ground from nor on about how they’re feeling.

Yes I think the management blame thing is very possible - I know that two of them are currently annoyed with me as I’ve had to shift them round for intervention/covid reasons and they’re not happy. But the others I’m not sure why exactly they’d be miffed aside from normal things. They’ve not even signed my card. Again - small things isn’t it but it’s rude and nasty.
Definitely need to not overreact to it you’re right. I just feel rubbish for it :(

Blimey. Can you ask each of them one to one why they didn’t sign your card or attend your lunch?

Someone’s disgruntled for sure.

I’m not sure if that might be a bit churlish? I think the card could be explained away as forgetting if they wanted. As for asking about why they didn’t come eat - it feels like having a paddy about people not coming to my party as a child. But then I am having one aren’t i!

I had a chat with our head today about it - she’d been made aware of it by other people and was unhappy which kind of backs me up feeling crap. Embarrassingly though she wants to talk to them about it which makes me feel like a child even more! However it’s not on I guess. Eugh

I think someone need to talk to them about it- not in an "is this rude?" sense, but in an "is everything ok?" sense.

For them not to do that does signify a problem, and I think it needs to be addressed.

I know that my line manager has done a few things to annoy me recently- and it's not her fault but I am so stressed that even little things are pushing me over the edge.

The latest was pressuring me and a colleague to sign up for an optional in person training session- I am quite uncomfortable sharing an unventilated space with a lot of other adults at the moment. When I raised this, she was super dismissive. In normal times, it's something I would have 100% signed up for.

She does seem really stressed though, and I think she is pushing a lot of that stress on to us inadvertently. To be clear, I would still totally go to a birthday lunch being done in a socially distanced way!

Poor you that's awful could another colleague you trust perhaps ask them in a 'oh, I noticed you missed @twolittleboysonetiredmum birthday lunch' kind of way?

It would maybe be different if it had been an outing somewhere as people may genuinely not be able to make it/can't afford it etc. But when it's in school it's really obvious

It sounds like a deliberate act, not to sign your card and not to join you. It was so obvious that someone else noticed it and mentioned it to the head?

Something must be amiss and perhaps the head, as a senior manager, should be asking why.

I agree with pp that it needs to be addressed (not necessarily by you) in a "is something wrong? Can we help fix it?" way.

I do sympathise. It's very difficult not to take it personally.

Have spoken to my head - she’s since spoken to two of them. The others are now isolating so she’ll have to wait until they’re back. Sounds very led by one or two people who have history for this sort of thing with other members of staff. Other staff just go along as they’re scared of upsetting them etc both have been in touch with me - not to address it per se but to offer support (as I too am now isolating) so I think that’s them reaching out to apologise. Apparently they had no idea they were upsetting me. Who knows. Glad my head has done something and still can’t believe this crap is happening - it’s like being one of the pupils!

Not saying this is the case here but some teachers have only ever been to school so to speak. School, Uni and back to school, wonder if this is why we hear some teachers behaving like school bullies?

I completely disagree with the comment above and don't understand when people make this point, as if a school somehow isn't a proper workplace. Teachers have gone 'school, uni, work' just like everyone else. And I say that as someone who's worked in industry before teaching.

I didn’t say school wasn’t a proper workplace, of course it is. But some teachers have not been out of the education system, unlike yourself who has worked in industry.

I'm sorry this happened to you op it must feel completely crap!!

However, I'd take it as a sign that things are going quite badly wrong in your team.... snubbing a manager so openly is a sign that something has gone quite badly wrong. When you're all back from isolation I'd suggest that you all sit down together for a really good clearing the air session. Not telling them off for annoying you but basically saying " I noticed this happened, tell me what's wrong then we can try to fix it".

Christmas I think that’s a very good idea. Though the thought makes me nervous - especially with the main instigator. But I don’t want it to happen to anybody else either and need them to have the opportunity to talk about their problems don’t I

I can understand that, I'd absolutely hate it too. Make sure you have somebody in the meeting who is there for you, to give you moral support. Being a manager is tough just now and as PP said it's likely that they're blaming frustrations with the system on you personally.
Good luck, it's a horrible thing to go through and an aspect of management that I don't enjoy!!!

Good point I will - Eugh it’s the part I hate most too!