I need a say some things that I don't feel I can share with colleagues or my DH right now.
I have a had a really rubbish year in teaching this year. It started when I came back from mat leave 18months ago. I thought things might improve when I went back to having my own class in Sept. In that time I interviewed for a TLR and became a head of dept.
All that happened really, is that I conveniently made myself a scapegoat and put myself in a position where whatever I did was never good enough.
My class are sparky, bright and full of energy. Something I have worked hard to harness and use within their learning but they are full of anxiety and I do have to tread lightly on some things to be careful to give them a balance. I work in a SEN setting and my class is a new year group so I worked really hard to get to know them, put in ground rules and reflect the ethos of the school.
I had a great observation where the whole class were engaged, achieving and tackling the work and extensions. This was 4 weeks into the new academic year. I was able to push where necessary (bearing in mind their anxieties) but the HT failed my observation (after acknowledging all the positive things) because he believed I wasn't stretching them enough. It was so disheartening but I took it on the chin.
I tried to take this criticism and use it to fuel their learning. These are children who are working at around 6 years old. So I moved them on to handwriting to build their confidence, develop sustained writing. It was working well (amongst their other learning.) 90% of the class could complete the handwriting the answer questions in full sentences on the text independently, developing their scanning/reading skills and their inference and understanding. One child still needed help with writing so I used a white board to help him develop sentences and documented this process with photos in their books.
I then had a book review where I was told that this was too much!
Even though they could do it, even though they were achieving, even though I knew and acknowledged that the next steps would be to develop their independent writing further.
I surmised that even though I was now pushing them, it wasn't in the way SMT wanted. I asked on several occasions for a clear cut description of what they were looking for. I only over received wishy-washy responses with no clear direction but I tried my best to take everything on board and use it to help my class.
Then the virus came and we were all sent off. I have continued to differentiate and send in appropriately matched work. I know some parents and children are struggling and I making weekly phone calls (sometimes daily) to help.
The class lists for next year have gone out and I've just spoken to a parent who needed reassurance for their child for next year.
She discussed how she had spoken to the HT who said that nothing will change next year, only your child will be pushed more.
I could tear my hair out, I really could.
I have worked so hard this year but my best has never seemed good enough.
It has affected my mental health and just makes me feel so cynical towards the whole teaching profession. I also find it upsetting that there has been an obvious agenda surrounding me that I am not party to, so I have no clear way to correct where I am going wrong.
I am pregnant again and due to go off in Oct. I know when I get back, it will either be better or I will have to look for another school. I just needed a rant.
I used to consider myself a strong teacher (with the results to prove it-even this year too!) but now I just feel utterly defeated.