Feeling really crap about this - please can you help x

[PeoniesGinandBags]

Hi everyone,

Without wanting to bore everyone with the details, just looking for some support and/or (gentle!) criticism if needed. I'm feeling very delicate and am crying so please...

I work as a teacher in a comprehensive school. Lots of challenging students in the mix. One student regularly turns up late, not in uniform, doesn't do homework etc etc. When challenged she says that she missed the b us, is cold so is wearing a coat etc etc. All year - every lesson. Before Xmas I was off for 4 weeks with a broken arm that needed an op - after this the group were needed lots of TLC (according to the head) as they 'felt abandoned' (they had a cover teacher from the dept.

Fast forward to today. Said student arrives late, no home work etc etc. Goes to a senior member of staff to say I'm not helping her enough when I ask her where her work is. At the same time I get an email from the office saying her Mum and Dad want to come in to see the head on Wednesday as they are 'sick of me always being off'.

When the senior member of staff came back with the student to say that 'she needed help', I told it pretty straight. That she might understand if she turned up, didn't disappear off for cigarettes all the time, took notes in class, brought her notebook etc.

End of the day go to see the Head about it all (me). Very upset and was met with a stony faced manager who told me that I 'needed to be more professional' and just help. I explained that I was sick of pulling people up (like the policies tell us to), only for Mum, child, etc to say we're not helping enough. I pointed out that this student has done well in her assignments etc for me.

Now home. Struggling to even breathe,. So stressed and crying and literally feel so alone and upset. I just cannot deal with this awful fucking job. Please tell me what to do with my manager, the parents etc. I'm at my wits end. Already on anti-depressants, beta blockers and diazepam just to hold it all together.

Teaching is a horrible job at the moment.

If your management aren’t supporting you to follow their own policies then maybe it’s time to try another school?

I'm not sure if it's better anywhere else? I have been there a while so perhaps it's just a bit of a rotten apple? They are worried about an impending Ofsted and are literally trying to get every child to say they are 'happy',

Don't feel obliged to return. The pay is shit. Your manager's attitude is shit and your work is putting your health at serious risk. How is that worth it? Hand in your notice or get signed off sick (which you are if you are on such a cocktail of medication all stress related) and find yourself an easy going temp summer job while you work out what you want to do. It's OK to change course.

It's just ridiculous that teens feel they have the right to be coaxed and coddled through every tiny bump in their education. The school should foster a spirit of resilience and encourage the children to concentrate. To be fair to that child, she does sound like she has difficulties organising herself and keeping focused. As someone with ADD who was hopeless and very like her at that age, I sympathise with her too. But you are not the one to be dealing with this. Your job is to teach the entire class. I'd refer her to SEN/counsellor with a clear message that she may have ADD issues and would benefit from being taught some strategies for self organisation. Her parents too are responsible for this. DS2 has ADD and we worked very hard as parents to help him sort himself out. Their job, not yours!

Or if you really want to stay, you need to get some better support in place. Can you approach the school governors for advice?

Your school management haven't backed you and they should have done.

Some children have deeply troubled backgrounds and need additional support, they do, but not from the fictional infinite reserve of individual teachers. In fact, if a child is that vulnerable and needs lots of support them that support should be organised at a school level systemically, not left to individual teachers who care giving and giving and giving.

There's a nauseating teacher share about how good teachers are like candles because they consume themselves to light the way for others. It's a view that still manages to survive despite being damaging to staff.

You've clearly got lots to offer and you clearly care, but you need the green light to put yourself first and your wellbeing first. Once you've taken time to clear your head you'll be in a better place yo male a decision.

Thanks so much for your time everyone. God I just feeling utterly shite. I did speak to school a few months ago about depression and anxiety - meeting them know I was struggling (which I found really really hard to do. I'm definitely an 'I'm fine' kind of person).

I was so shocked at the end of the day today to be met with just such a look of contempt. I said that it seems as though those teachers, like me, who try and pull up on uniform, sanction for homework etc (as we're supposed to) just end up in situations where the students and parents complain about you. Then this happens. The alternative is just to not challenge, be 'their friend' and ignore the 'bad' bits and you're fine.

I literally cannot cope anymore. I'm supposed to be going to my daughter's nursery play in an hour and I look a bloody mess with puffy eyes and redness.

Seriously, I think tomorrow you need to head to the GP's surgery and get signed off for stress. You are crying. You are on 3 different stress-related medications and you are completely unsupported by your head. That is not normal. Nothing will improve. A school is as good as its head and this one seems not to value staff wellbeing. You do not have to keep struggling with this.

I think I've decided I'm going to do that. I know that I'll probably feel massively guilty in the short term but I know this isn't right. I work so hard for my students but there's just no support when someone pipes up with the old chestnuts about not feeling helped enough etc etc. I did say ti the head that I felt completely disempowered which didn't go down well but it is the honest truth. There's just no support - it's as though we're scared of telling someone to get on with their work.

Ok. Here's my two pence.

Step one: visit gp and get signed off. Get some space. Be kind to yourself. Breathe.

Step two: decide if how much you need/want this. If you want to continue, you either need to leave or stop giving any shits. I agree with the candle analogy. It's just not workable to keep caring like you are. Fine to ask where your homework is... etc... but when she says she doesn't have it you must pass it on. Let someone who's paid a lot more deal with caring. It's her problem and shouldn't be yours.

I'm sorry her parents are such assholes. Their passing the buck, but this really isn't your responsibility to parent their child.

I decided I couldn't stop giving a shit. I left teaching. I've recently been thinking about it nostalgically. So thank you for this thread to remind me of the reality.

Hugs. It really is awful when you feel like you're taking on the world with no support!!

@PeoniesGinandBags I think that's a really good idea. Put your health first. If you don't, it might get worse.

Please find a new job. Lots of schools are not like this, and as long as staff tolerate this behaviour the school has no incentive to change.

You do a great job and do better.
Also contact your union (or join one)

Sorry that should say you do a great job and deserve better!

I went through a similar experience as you OP in the past. It's so easy for a student to point the blame at their teacher and take no responsibility for their own actions, and if you're someone who sticks to the rules and upholds high expectations then it just attracts even more problems. This happened when I taught in a well regarded private school, which goes to show that this sort of thing can now happen anywhere.

Leave, leave, leave!

It isn’t worth your health. Your management sound utterly shit.

I had a similar situation and left.

But my advice would be to quit. Don’t get signed off. Go in tomorrow and resign with effect from Oct half term. And then sign up to a supply agency. Do supply until the better jobs start to appear in January.

I did it and it was the best decision I ever made. I never got to the supply bit because I was snapped up by a local school. Good luck!

How are things today, OP?

Fuck ‘em, OP. Do NOT let these people have one more moment of your head space. Find another job. Resign tomorrow.

Heads and SLT who cannot find it in themselves to adhere to their own policies, and blame their staff instead, don’t deserve their staff.

Already on anti-depressants, beta blockers and diazepam just to hold it all together.

Please get yourself signed off by the GP - for at least a week but preferably until the end of term - and when your head is a bit clearer you'll be able to think about your options.

I'm not a teacher, but my husband is - I understand. I don't know how you do it

This is exactly what my last school were like.

And mine.

There are good schools out there. And not good Ofsted schools. Schools with SLT who care.

I found one and my, what a difference.

What a horrible situation. I wish OFSTED took more notice of what teachers thought of the culture - of course teachers are too scared to tell them as they will be identifiable.

Don't hand your notice in. You need time to gather your strength. Go and see your GP. You probably need some time to get yourself mentally strong. Its only a few weeks to the summer holidays. Get signed off for a couple of weeks but go back before the summer break. Give yourself time to decide whether you can cope with all of the stuff thrown at teachers these days.

Don't throw your career away because of one pupil who has tipped you over the edge. I know I know ...this type of situation can feel like the straw that broke the camels back but it may look different in September ....new classes ext. If it doesn't then you need to decide ...new school? supply? Different job? People worry about taking a job with less money but if you add up child credits wtc ext it isn't always as bad as you think. Also there is a lot to be said for not having to worry about going into work each day.

Speak to your union. If you feel management are trying to force you out things can be done. Keep a record of everything you have done to help said pupil and also a record of homework not done ..after school help offered and not attended ext. Think through every option you have. Refuse to be rushed and don't do anything impulsively . Good luck op.

Keep a record of everything you have done to help said pupil and also a record of homework not done ..after school help offered and not attended ext. Think through every option you have. Refuse to be rushed and don't do anything impulsively . Good luck op.

This is well-meaning but just adds to the stress. The OP’s managers know she is doing her job. She has set the homework (which she probably thinks is waste of time), she has set the sanction when the homework isn’t done. If she has not also “helped” the pupil do the homework, they are going to use that as a stick to beat her with, but not because that is her job. She should not play their game and collect evidence of doing things she does not have to do.

Entirely agree with @PeoniesGinandBags

They know and are doing nothing. Fuck them. Going off sick will just give them a stick to beat you with. You aren’t the issue. They are.

Make it their issue by removing your services. A sudden staffing gap does a lot to focus the mind for SLT!

I think @shiningstar2 's advice would be really good if you had a good manager. But the fact you've been publicly shamed in the past for not doing as your pupils told you to indicates you will never get the support you deserve at that particular school. Bad leadership in a school really does set the rot in deep. I'd get out, in your position. You have options. Teachers are in demand. You could do supply or apply to a small school, a free school, a private school, a specialist or special needs school. You don't have to prove you can survive and thrive in an aggressive secondary to be a good teacher.

In the short term with parents like that I find the following line useful:
‘What do you find works at home to help them and I will attempt to replicate that here?’

Eg it’s not solely my job to educate your child.

Long term you need help op. Please look after yourself