Telling pupils when a parent has died - any guidance please?

[Showerandtell]

I have to deliver the news to a class that a pupil's mother has died. I plan on being fairly brief, ensuring the children know how they can support their peer and also who they can talk to if they have any worries. I will also let parents know before hand.

Can I ask anyone for their experiences and any guidance please?

Pupil is 8 years old and she will be away for the next few days but dad is expecting her to come in between now and the funeral.

Thankyou

I had the same situation with a pupil's father, in Year 4. He died suddenly so it was a shock.

I said: "I'm afraid something very sad happened to 'Katy' last week, and that sad thing was that her father died". Don't use euphemisms, you need to be very clear and let it sink in.

Things I covered:

• it's not something to gossip about, it's a very sad and serious thing
• it doesn't matter why he died, that is not our business, but we did not know he was going to die so it was a shock
• you do not ask 'Katy' any questions about it
• Katy might not seem sad all the time - she will still be able to laugh and play with you - but that doesn't mean she's not sad
• Katy might get very upset, and what to do if this happened (I had her best friend prepped to take her to a quiet place in the school, ideally with adult supervision - this is important. The last thing you want is a sobbing child wandering around or in the toilets with no plan. The children knew the plan so didn't mob her if this happened.)
• Katy will want things to be normal, so we are going to be normal around her. We will not be asking how she is all the time, offering to carry her bag etc. We are going to make it "nice, but normal" when she is back.
• I gave them some ideas, because of course they are too young to know, of things to say and not say eg DO day "I'm sorry for your loss" DON'T say "I know how you feel, my cat died."

I had lots of questions (many of which I replied with "that's not our business, we need just need to be nice and normal for Katy"), and children telling me about grandparents or pets who had died. I was sympathetic but made it gently clear that it would not help Katy to mention dead pets because she would be feeling even worse than that.

If you are in a multi-form entry school then I would also recommend having the other teachers tell their classes the same things at the same time. I didn't and it did lead to some whispering about it before we squashed that.

We also all made cards, and I used that opportunity to talk about appropriate words/imagery for the situation. In a horrible way, it was a bit of a teachable moment for the rest of the children.

There is an EXCELLENT book on this called "The Little Book of Bereavement in Schools". It's by a man who lost his wife when his three children were in primary, secondary and college.

Hope that helps!

Oh, and we gave the cards to the adult at hometime, in an envelope, not in school time so she could look at them at home in peace.

You can't be worse than the nursery teacher here, who told the children that their friend, another 3 year old, had died, without a word of warning to parents.

All this went through the Head, and we asked "Katy's" family if we could tell the class, but not the parents of the rest of the class.

Although I would let the parents know in the case of a classmate dying, especially when the children are so little! That's awful.

Thank you - I just wanted to know that I was on the right lines really.

Really appreciate your experiences and yes - a buddy and what to do if child is upset is vital.

Thank you

MeanzBeanz, thank you. Lots of useful ideas though I hope not to have to use them.

I disagree with “nice and normal”.

I hated it. I went back to school after my whole world had shifted, and everyone carried on as normal. I couldn’t tell whether people knew, and i remember asking my best friend if she knew.

It also put a lot of pressure on me to hide my grief and pretend everything was normal. At that age you take your cues from peers and adults.

I’d have preferred questions, tbh. To be allowed to talk about it. To have a cry and have people comfort me. I’d have liked a teacher to sit with me and tell me if i did need to talk or felt upset i could go to them. If i wanted to talk to a professional they would help.

As it was i was pretty much left alone to deal with my grief while everyone got back to normal.

Much older but a boy in my Year 12 tutor group lost his mum very suddenly. Obviously it's easier to talk to teenagers as they understand more but I agree with reallyanotherone about the "nice and normal" thing. It was much better for him that his friends felt able to ask him about his mum and that he was able to talk about it without feeling that it wasn't "allowed" He had been through an incredibly traumatic time, and was continuing to do so. Pretending that things are normal was the last thing he needed.

We also talked about why she'd died (meningitis) I'm not sure the "it's not our business" thing is sensible and I wonder if kids that age would worry that the same might happen to their own parents?

To be clear, the advice I gave the children wasn't to ignore it or that they weren't allowed to talk about it - I said they could say they were sorry to hear about it and ask how she was etc. We made the cards, and the family, including 'Katy', knew that we had told the year group and teachers.

It was just that I didn't want her being overwhelmed with children offering to do things for her all the time, or asking potentially inappropriate questions. But I'm aware, because we had the exact situation in my class when I was in Y6, that for children it can be upsetting but also exciting and interesting. The girl it happend to in my school was adopted, and someone asked her if she could just get a new mum like she did before!

In my case we didn't actually know how Katy's father died, but again I did not want the children, some of whom had very limited social skills, to be doing things like asking Katy "did he jump off a roof?" which is what one of them asked me!

I was prepared for children to be upset and worried about their own parents, but I don't think knowing the cause of death (I think we found out later it was a heart attack) would help with that, as it was a sudden death and unpredicted. It could just as easily happen to their parents tomorrow, which wouldn't be very reassuring!

Again, we weren't trying to pretend things were normal, but I don't think having lots of people who weren't even her friends suddenly trying to interact with her would have helped.

I agree that if my policy had been to ban all talking about it or reacting to it, that would have been a bad idea.

Surely you take your cue from the bereaved child, in talks with him/her, about how they would prefer it to be approached by other pupils.

It also depends on the child. Some of them will want school to be completely normal, because their home life has just fallen apart. Some will want it to be a reflection of how they are feeling in the rest of their life. You know the kids best.

Surely you take your cue from the bereaved child, in talks with him/her, about how they would prefer it to be approached by other pupils.

That's ideal. In our case we couldn't, because they went abroad for the funeral and wanted us to tell the school before she started back. We did talk to her when she got back, with the school councillor, about what she wanted but she wasn't sure what she wanted, poor thing.

I wouldn't let the parents know beforehand, some will speak to their children about it, some won't and it leads to gossip and speculation. Tell the children and send a letter home with them/email parents that same day.

Great resources here.

childbereavementuk.org/for-schools/primary-schools/

Dad's wishes are that the class is told as the child doesn't want to be asked questions when they come back. Hence my request.

All the advice given has been really useful. Thanks again everyone.

I would tell the parents in advance but I am bias and I a unique situation whereby my DD is having counselling for anxiety specifically about death after an extreme amount of loss, death and change over a couple of years. School have also not been very good about giving us the heads up about sensitive things when they know that we need to be able to prepare her (as suggested by her counsellor) - they sort of just forget that she has this anxiety. So I would tell the parents, but as I say I'm bias.

I get a lot of "what if" questions from dd and risk assess things with her in a sort or liklihood type way. That's the approach I would take if you get any difficult questions from the children.

Cruse do a fantastic bereavament pack from schools with good advice of things to say/not say.

The book muddles puddles and sunshine is brilliant for the child who has suffered too. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1869890582?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_pd_title&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Having just been through a bereavament (pupil not parent) best piece of advice I would give is to be led by the family. Make sure they are happy about what your talking to pupils and parents in school about as they are grieving.