Does anyone else feel anxious on days off?

[LaserShark]

Over the last half term I’ve noticed how anxious and tense I feel at weekends. I put it down to the stress of having to cram in work around looking after children/the house as my DH works a lot of weekends so I have always had that shadow of lesson planning/marking hanging over me.

However, I’m starting to wonder if it might be because my body is so wired all week for the constant, relentless, crushing pressure of every day and then when it’s the weekend or holidays, I’m still flooded with all the tension that keeps me going through work days but I have nowhere to direct it?

I feel panicky doing anything - just going to the supermarket gets me really fearful. I worry about driving, convinced I’ll have an accident. I can’t bear the thought of socialising. I feel like something as simple as taking the kids to the park is a huge and frightening task. I feel really absent from my life. I don’t hear conversations half the time. I just want to stay in bed with a book.

I know I’m in a really bad state as far as work goes but I honestly don’t know what to do. We can’t afford for me to quit and I am so stressed and exhausted that I don’t know where I would begin embarking on a new career. At least I’m good at teaching, even if it is destroying me.

Just wondered if anyone feels similar?

Oh Lasershark you poor thing. It might be that long term being signed off is the best thing. Or maybe getting in tomorrow will demonstrate to you that you can do it? How about telling yourself you’ll go in tomorrow, and if it’s as bad as you fear than be off the next day. You can look for easy cover work that way too. And make the GP appointment now, if it takes a week then at least you’ve got it in order.

Is your dh with you? You mention kids, could you find one now and have a cuddle/tickle fight whatever is age appropriate?! I find this helps break my mood. Or chocolate, but trying to avoid that!

What did you decide to do today?

Thanks for all the kind replies. I went in. Had a shit day but survived! And took the advice about cuddling my children yesterday . How about you, Cheesecake?

I just took the day one step at the time. Didn’t think about the day ahead when I was getting ready just, I’m going in the shower now, I’m making coffee next etc. It worked.

I've had a 5 period day today and I'm kind of glad because no time to dwell. I did have a cry after though. I had a meeting with my LM today and I kind of put it towards that we needed change otherwise I wouldn't last the week. I love her and she's the only reason I am still at work, but I don't know if it will work

Try and speak to your GP. Mine put me on a free stress-management course run by Mind. It was a couple of hours on my day off and I found it helped a lot in terms of training myself in strategies to manage anxiety, pressure and negative thinking. You sound like you're top of your game work wise, and you perform well on observations. This is commendable! Are you tired because you are planning and marking at night? If so, can you cut back there? Or are you tired because of the unpredictably of the kids' behaviour and the hideous unnecessary confrontation we face? If it's the latter, is there a supportive SLT you could speak to? Does the school need to rethink its behaviour policy? Being proactive, if you can muster up the energy, might well help. I have heard mindfulness is amazing but
I haven't got round to trying it yet! Keep us posted on how you are doing

I sleep through most of the weekend. I couldn't do this job if I had children or other major responsibilities, the down time is essential.

Cheesecake I’m glad your LM is supportive. Everyone is so busy in my department; there isn’t any support. The HoD is kind of out of her depth.

Rath I don’t plan or mark in the evenings because I fall asleep - I’m dead on my feet as soon as I’ve sorted dinner for the children. DH puts them to bed and I just sleep. I go into school very early in the morning as I find it too stressful to be in later, I need to mentally prepare myself! I work on my day off and at weekends and I so deeply resent that I don’t have a single day free of work.

Rath behaviour is a growing issue. To some extent, I’m just sick of it after all these years. I can’t deal with daily battles over every little thing - students who come in and fling themselves into their seat without even getting out a pen. Sulky teenage attitudes. It’s exhausting. And I seem to have lost that enthusiasm and energy that brings kids round and I just snap instead now. I left my last school because behaviour was become frightening - knives in school, totally minimised by SLT, violent fights becoming a regular occurrence, absolute chaos in corridors and nothing being done to address any of it or even acknowledge it was happening. I moved to a school which is supposed to be outstanding, only to discover they are in a massive slide. Frightening behaviour again is a daily occurrence, no one responds to alerts - we aren’t far from the school where a teacher was stabbed to death. It could happen to us - there is nothing in place to prevent it and the ethos amongst kids is depressing. Headteacher thinks ‘we don’t have a problem with behaviour’. We do.

More and more, I keep thinking I will just hand in my notice in May and then figure out what to do, but we haven’t got a financial safety net in place. I’m sure I could find enough work to keep our heads above water but I can’t gamble my children’s security on it. I swing between thinking I can cope and thinking I definitely can’t.

I know how you feel and have gone through periods like you describe but I find that there are peaks and troughs during a school year and nothing stays the same eg new timetable, different scheme of work, school trip, Inset course and things improve again and you adjust.

The problem is when you feel that bad for prolonged periods. Then you need to question if you are in the right job/role/school.

I know exactly how you feel. A colleague from my previous school broke her leg quite badly and had to have three months off work-all I could feel was jealousy which is ridiculous as she was in such a lot of pain but to me at the time, the pain would have been preferable to being at work.

I changed jobs and things are better but I am still exhausted, still get anxious on my days off (and this doesn’t seem to get any better now I’m 0.6-I just spend more of my week being anxious and earn less money for the privilege!) I seem to be in a state of either anxiety when I’m off or overloaded with work when I’m there. I want to sleep all of the time, I’m miserable to live with, easily irritated and am really not enjoying anything.

I’m also UPS3, so the money is good and not easy to find elsewhere. What I’d like to do is teach 2 days a week and do something else for 1/2, but what?!

This makes such depressing reading. Op I wish you had not gone in, every time you do this to yourself you are avoiding the problem. As others have said your health really does come first, it usually takes a wake up call for people to realise this. You are already working on your day off, if you went down to 0.6 I bet you would still be working on those 2 days off. Your family life is suffering as well as your mental health, do you really want to look back in 10 years and regret you missed out on family life and enjoying your children growing up? Please get to the doctor and get out of teaching, this career is not compatible to family life.

Yes, if I went to 0.6 I would still be working a lot and my health and family would suffer. It’s not the right job for me anymore. It was and I am proud of what I have achieved but I’ve come to the end of what I can do with it now.

Yes I identify with this. At the weekends I feel anxious if I'm not working because I know I'll have too much to do during the week; but I also know if I don't relax I'll struggle during the week mentally. So it's impossible to square the circle! I'm better than I used to be before DC because at least now I have something forcing me to stop working for a bit.

It was the anxiety that made me give up full time teaching and be a supply teacher instead.

I have no planning and very little marking to do unless I'm on a more long-term placement.

The downside to this of course is that the work, and therefore the money, isn't guaranteed but I don't feel ready to go back to it properly, even part-time.

Keptthebeaches I know supply would reduce marking and planning but the thought of the behaviour brings me out in a panic! I’ve seen the way students react when they see a supply teacher and think they can do what they like. I don’t think I’d be capable of it.

Oh, and it’s only a small step, but I e joined a gym last week and been swimming every day which had really helped with the anxiety I have been feeling.

Could you work in a college? I have worked in both secondary and post 16 and the latter is sooo much better in terms of behaviour, attitudes, pressure from SLT, staff morale etc.

I understand that you have financial responsibilities so feel you can't quit. Just to let you know, I left a HORRIBLE job mid January. At the beginning of this week I made a choice between three fixed contracts. There's work around, although February was lean as I didn't sign up for day supply. Like you, the thought of the behaviour brought me out in hives, so I held out for a fixed term.
Maybe you have more choices than you think.

Yes and paranoid that I've upset someone/ a parent has complained/ my books are scrutinised when I'm not there etc etc.
Hate that side of the job.

Lasershark - I was where you are this time last year. Every morning I was working out how fast I'd have to be going to crash my car without causing too much injury but enough to get me off work for a while. I had a breakdown and was off for 6 months. I decided to give in my notice and now work for a pittance in a tiny indie school. Mentally I'm in a much better place but financially it's crap. DH is disabled and no longer works so we are having to downsize. While this breaks my heart (it was supposed to be our forever home), my mental health is more important. I spent too long thinking I couldn't change anything because of the money - I could, it just needed a long term view. Life is far from perfect, but I feel that I have more control, massively less stress and I actually have a bit of a life back.

Lasershark-I seem to be in this boat too. I taught for 5 years and then had 7 years off as a stay home mum-was planning on going back on supply but got offered a job fast and took it. Three years in I am feeling my mental health is affected by the job- I used to be so present with my kids and now I am always preoccupied with work. I have moved year group every year which has not helped and am teaching a subject I did not train in and many of my students are way below grade level.
I am becoming so irked by the boys' behavior-getting out of seats/saying they do not want to do the work, talking over me.....it is so fricking tedious....then I am so worn down by three hours of that every day-one class I actually feel my heart racing before they come in.....I do not even enjoy teaching my high group who are pretty sweet because I just feel beat down. I am overseas. Teacher's hours are less here-totally fine to leave on that 3:10 bell not that I ever can because I am always prepping up the 90 minute mammoth lessons that none of them can focus on. Thinking of doing supply which would be about half the wage but just so I can get my life back. I think it may be personality linked- I am a worrier and I ruminate...but I am starting to feel I am not cut out for it- hate standing at the front, hate explaining things to moody 11-12 year olds.....just want to exchange our massive mortgaged home for a place somewhere cheaper and work part time doing anything but teach....I am on youtube meditations and affirmations every night- often get migraines on a weekend. I have great colleagues, a supportive non pressurizing principal- It is an easier gig here compared to teh UK- no ofsted, they apologize when they have to observe you- which is rare and only once a year due to me still being on probation...but teh fundamental stresses are still there. Even the money is better here but fricking teenagers-I resent them using up my energies each day so that I am empty when I get home for my own kids. What to do???

Nope. Me clocking off for the weekend.

I know I could go and get signed off but I’m so afraid to do that and to admit to a mental health problem at work. I feel so ashamed of feeling this way and I wonder if I am just lazy and don’t want to work.

This really stood out to me as the stigma of mental health. Last year I went to Dr with depression (also a teacher) I didn't feel work was nearly as bad as you describe your school. The Dr signed me off for 2 weeks despite it not really being what I wanted. The difference those 2 weeks made was remarkable. I started to feel I had capacity to deal with my mental health. I was very low. I gradually increased my hours and had both medication and CBT therapy. Both of which helped a lot. I then felt I had the strength to look for a new job because I was miserable in the old one. Since September I have been in a far better school and despite going from 0.6 to 0.8 I actually am less Stressed and happier. Don't let Anyone tell you anxiety doesn't require time off just as much as a physical illness. Put yourself first.