Help. Moral dilemma

[partypooper54]

I am going to have to word this so carefully so as not to be too outing...

I work as a teacher in a specialist form of education. It is a type of special school.

Because of the nature of the school's specialty, the school exists in a little bubble and it is all very insular.

Tonight was a birthday party for a member of staff.

There were about 20 people there and, apart from about 3, all were either members of staff at the school or parents of children at the school.

I have always kept my teaching and personal lives separate before so this insular thing is new to me and I've certainly never socialised with parents before.

I found it really awkward, to be blunt. I overheard a few conversations about staff or pupils that I just felt were completely inappropriate in that company. Think slagging off particular teachers...that kind of thing.

Normally, I would sort of shrug that off as staff letting off steam, but in this instance, as there were parents present I felt really, really uncomfortable.

And then there was the fact that one of those present was in senior, senior leadership in the school (level of Head, but not actually the head) and she was talking about a member of staff who has just been signed off long term sick. She was talking about the doctor's note that arrived on Friday and - although she didn't flat-out state what was on the note - made it pretty obvious and made her opinion on the matter quite clear.

I felt so awkward that I had to leave. I wasn't comfortable being part of that sort of conversation, but also didn't feel able to challenge it there and then because it was a party and it would have created an atmosphere. I didn't want to be the party pooper and spoil my colleagues party.

I don't know what to do about it from here...

I know that the Head has talked to this senior leader before about how she needs to think carefully about socialising with staff out of hours - and we all know that happened because she told people and it went round on the grapevine: 'The Head has told X not to mix with the likes of us!'

And now I know just why it is such a problem. Slagging off teachers in front of the parents (and one of the parent Governors, who was also there) is just not right. I want to talk to someone about it for my own peace of mind, but who can I trust? I don't want to go running to tell tales to the Head. I would like to talk to X about it face to face, but fear she would just go behind my back to everyone about how stuck up I am.

Do I just forget it and never go out with them again?

Or now I know these things are happening, is it my duty to try and do something?

I just don't know. My gut tells me it is wrong, but I'm not sure I'm not just making a mountain out of a molehill. People will always gossip about people they work with, after all. It was just that this one particular woman is so senior and was talking about staff in a way I felt was totally unprofessional.

So I'm posting for advice, if anyone has any?

I am going to be the aloof one in school that ends up being talked about behind my back - and I'm ok with that. I have plenty of friends in my personal life and have no real need to have friendships at work. I have friends who I have worked with, but a select few. I've never come across anything like this new world where boundaries are so blurry.

What on Earth should I do? Anything? Nothing?

Very difficult.
My gut tells me that I'd have to do something about it to be honest, it's massively unprofessional and if someone so high up is gossiping and breaching confidentiality about colleagues what stops them doing it about pupils next?
Still, I think you do have to think long and hard given that there could be a backlash. I'd be very torn

Thank you moondancer. It's actually helpful to have my thoughts echoed back to me - it makes me feel less like I'm worrying about nothing.

You are, of course, right about the potential back-lash.

I could just not mix with them outside of work again so I'm not putting myself in any more awkward positions, but that won't actually stop it from happening.

I doubt anything I could do would have any impact anyway, though - apart from making myself public enemy number 1.

Argh! Wish I'd stayed in now!

I agree with PP - this wouldn’t sit easy with me.

As a professional, it is wrong to speak disparagingly of colleagues.

Is there someone in HR you could speak to?

Speak to the Chair of Governors in confidence.

Thank you @Moononthehill28
That's not a bad call. I've contacted her about something before and she was extremely helpful.

I just worry if that is escalating things too much. I feel uncomfortable about getting people into trouble too. There's just no winning in this situation.

Absolute lose lose situation here for you.

I agree with everything you have written, your thoughts are entirely correct.

Chair of governors is a good idea. A gentle reminder to all staff might be possible without singling you or her out.

It's a lose lose situation there.

Staff letting off steam wouldn't automatically be a problem (though I've had to tell pepple I've been out with to be more subtle and not shit where they sleep), but from a senior member of staff sharing confidential information then it becomes a concern.

Either talk to the chair of governors and say you felt uncomfortable and given the nature of some of the conversations, it might be worth having a general reminder about what is an acceptable and professional conversation.

Does your school have a whistleblower policy? I know that the academy chain I work for has one (although I don’t know what it says!)

Whoever arranged the party has been incredibly silly. It’s a shame the burden of guilt has landed on you OP.

Why can't you approach the Head?

Type an anonymous letter and post it to the head.

Difficult. I think, as you are feeling so strongly about this, that doing nothing is not going to sit well with you.
As the head has already had to talk to this member of staff about related issues, he/she needs to know. However high in the SLT this person may be, the basic lines of professionalism have been crossed.
Although not the same, I once found myself in a similar position. A private and confidential word with the head was not easy, but it turned out that my concern was another piece of the ‘jigsaw’ relating to this member of staff, and that other incidents had also occurred. My advice is to be professional, share your concern with the head, be concise, do not include any past events or anything that does not involve this exact incident.
Pass it on and let the head deal with it.
As teachers we try to be positive, encouraging, supportive, professional and very hard working. Staff who behave like your colleague let us all down, and at the very least, that is just not fair.

That you everyone.

Yes @123fushia you are right that it doesn't sit well with me to do nothing. I don't think teachers should be talked about like that in front of parents - and also not at all by a member of staff in that situation. I am middle management myself and feel quite strongly about supporting my team and not allowing in-fighting and complaining. We only work well when we have each other's backs.

We do have a whistle-blowing policy, @PotteringAlong. It was updated last year, so we have all had sight of it fairly recently. It talks about what to do if the school is being brought into disrepute - and I don't know whether this is serious enough to warrant going down those lines.

We are due Ofsted any second - and they visited another special school nearby last week, so I know the Head is expecting 'the call' this week. She is really busy and I don't want to be bothering her about little things.

I think I will, though, after they've gone. I can't think what else to do. If I go to the Chair of Governors they will know it came from me. I am the staff governor and I have closer contact than other members of staff, so it won't take a genius.

Crap situation. Not at all where I wanted to be!

It talks about what to do if the school is being brought into disrepute - and I don't know whether this is serious enough to warrant going down those lines.

I think it might be, especially if it’s happening in front of parents.

I’d also tell the head before ofsted. Better that and she can show she’s dealing with it than a parent writing it on a parental questionnaire and it’s the first she’s ever heard of it.

But yes, you’re in a crap position here

I talked to the Head.
I have to leave it with her now. She was shocked, but said this member of the staff tends to take these sorts of conversations on the chin and it needs sorting out.

Feel like crap for telling tales, but I didn't want to sit on it.

Thanks for your help, everyone
X

You have done the right thing. Not easy at all. Well done. Try not to worry too much about what happens next. You have done nothing wrong here. X

Well done. That’s the right thing to have done