Pupil bereavement

[MrsMandS]

I've been on MN for years, but haven't been on the staff room threads before. Maybe occassionally if one of the threads is active. I name changed fairly recently too.

I don't want to give too much away, but one of my pupils has died . I knew her well and saw her everyday that I was in school.

I feel sorry for family and her friends, for her year group... but most of all for her. She was so young and I just can't believe she's gone.

I just can't stop thinking about her. It is on my mind constantly and every time my DH or kids come to hug me I feel the sadness well up inside me and the tears start to spill. I can't sleep. I just keep crying and crying.

When I got the news I actually cried out. It was horrific. Yet others in a similar situation were able to hold it together and don't seem to be nearly as affected as I am.

I think what's making it more difficult is that I'm not working at my school at the moment.

Other teachers seem to be able to distance themselves, be professional and soldier on. I'm not particularly young and I've experienced grief in many forms before. I don't usually show emotion, but this has deeply affected me.

I am just completely devastated.

When I've told a couple of my friends what's happened, they just sigh and then start chatting about what they are having for dinner.

Or people will ask if I heard about 'that girl' as if it's someone from the other side of the world that they read about in the news.

I suppose in this profession, a bit like doctors and nurses, you're not supposed to have relationships/ feelings for your patients/pupils.

I posted this here because I am hoping that some of you will understand.

It can be really hard to deal with a pupil's death. And you can't always know how it will hit you, even if you aren't teaching them the year they die, or even if not someone you taught lots.

We have just dealt with this a couple of weeks ago at school. A child in our attached junior school died, aged 9. Very sudden death, short unexpected illness that took hold in hours.

Many of the teachers at the infant school were affected. The child has left the infants a couple of years ago, but several staff had taught her whilst she was with us and teach her little sister now too. The school staff had known the family, the children and the parents over the years, some more than others in different ways.

It was a real shock, and many staff took it hard. Some staff went to the funeral and represented the staff/school as a whole, and passed on messages. Those that went found the funeral a positive thing to have done - very hard, but they were glad to have done so. And the family were really touched they'd done so too.

I am sure school will probably do some more formal form of memorial, if appropriate, for the school community. This can be helpful for pupils and staff.

Slightly different, but along the same lines - when DD was younger, her teacher died. Whilst they dealt with things at the actual time, providing help and support for pupils and staff, there was also a lovely memorial service slightly later on and I know lots of them find this a useful service to attend, and it did help.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your pupil. I am fortunate enough not to go through this as a teacher, we lost a parent at our school who I'd always got on with well and that was shocking, to lose a pupil must be devastating.
Your grief is a testament to your caring nature, do seek professional support if you feel you need it. There is no competition and no right or wrong way to grieve. Please take good care of yourself.

Please don't feel you shouldn't be sad, or should 'get over it'. I work in the NHS in a very acute area and the reality is that a fair proportion of our patients will die. We are always sad and gutted when they do, even if we predicted it the moment they came into our unit, and while we would hope to display utmost professionalism to the relatives, we will debrief privately to unload the emotional toil that it brings. You can't be effective teachers if you never develop relationships with children. You have the right to feel grief.

Thank you so much for your replies.

It has been particularly helpful reading about your own experiences. Sadly there are far too many young lives lost .

I've written to the parents sharing my memories of their daughter.

And to the mother who lost her 18 year old son I imagine he touched more people than you will ever know.