Ok, I’m sorry but this is going to be an honest post.
XH is a teacher, I have to say that I have regarded his job as utterly detrimental to family life.
He had a 30/40 min commute, left at 7,50 am, was rarely home before 7pm.
When we first started going out he told me straight up that he couldn’t really see me in the week due to his workload. I’d sometimes pop round to his after my work finished but sometimes just for a cuppa/meal then I’d watch tv on my own or read while he marked. Before we moved in together he used to get in from school, have a cuppa and a snack, sleep for a few hours, get up cook dinner then mark til wee small hours on weeknights.
Even once we were cohabiting we never really had evenings in the week together….he’d come in help out with DC’s bedtime then do an hours work til 9pm (having been busy at school he’d never have gotten around til eating his sarnies until after 3pm so didn’t want dinner any earlier), then we’d eat together and he’d maybe watch 10pm news headlines then back to it. Usually till midnight or beyond. We very, very, very rarely went to bed at the same time. Lots of nights he’d fall asleep in his study or choose to sleep there so as not to wake me coming to bed at silly o’clock.
Friday’s he’d finish early but use the time after school to catch up so often not be home til 7 again (this was a killer when I had 3 under 3) but did change that to do Friday school pick up but I know he struggles with the loss of time after school on a Friday. He’d then want to switch off on a Fri so would just read paper, net noodle, drink….and end up going to bed late, often falling asleep on the sofa.
I felt bad that he worked so bloody hard in the week so would often let him lie in at the weekends so I’d be up with the DC’s….so our body clocks remained out of sync and the mismatching bed times persisted.
He never worked on Saturday’s but loathes Sunday’s due to return to work on Mon, Sunday evenings for working, quite often me and DC’s cleared off for the afternoon on a Sunday so he could have time to mark/plan.
On top of that parent’s evenings, open evenings, staying late for media work, school newspaper, school yearbook, all nighters before Oftsted/Insight/Lesson Obs, after school meetings and training, ‘sickies’ to catch up on marking, one room of house dedicated as his study and FULL of books, teaching resources etc, computers and hard drives filled up to bursting point. Endlessly keeping papers/magazines/books , recording things that were ‘valuable teaching resources’. I really tried to support him as best I could by doing all of the household stuff in the week and keeping on top of laundry, cooking, housework etc. If I was out for evening I'd make sure I'd done him dinner to reheat so he didn't have to spend time cooking. It was virtually impossible for him to take time off in term time so house moves, general household admin and things like dentist trips for DC and vet trips for pets always fell to me to fit in around my own work and the school run. When we had DC1 he only had 5 days off as paternity leave (and sent in cover each day meaning he was on the computer every evening for 2-3 hours) as it was frowned upon to take more and has never been able to re arrange hours to do something like school drop off once a week. He was away on a school trip when I was admitted to hospital for a horrible thing when DC1 was tiny and couldn’t get back (even though he was only actually 40 miles from home) so I had to get my DM to come up from 150 miles away to have DC1 while I was in hospital, he wasn’t back til I was home 24 hours later. On another occasion I discharged myself from hospital at 1am and got a taxi home so that I could be back to have DC1 and he wouldn't be late for/miss school and there was the time he was off site on a course and couldn't take a call so I had to drag all 3 to a&e solo – picking DC's 2&3 up from nursery en route - when DC1 had bust a bone as I had no guarantee he’d make it to the nursery before it shut for the day.
It is fab that he has the long school holidays in terms of childcare now all DC’s are at school but invariably half terms would end up with me taking a few days off so we could travel to see his family on the other side of the country then us buying childcare so he could have a couple of days clear to mark when I was back at work, ditto one week of xmas and Easter hols. Even the summer hols he ends up going into school for about 3 days in either the first or last week to sort stuff. There are supply cost implications if he takes time off in term time so for years cover for ill DC or anything would fall to me and of course his INSET days always fall in the DC’s term time or clash with their school ones so I have to take leave or buy childcare to cover (…and teaching salaries don’t run to having much spare cash and his employer only recently set up the childcare vouchers scheme so the childcare has come mainly out of my salary to get the benefit). It used to always be much better after the Whitsun half term as exam students would be gone and marking load down but now with the modular AS/A2 system the back half of the summer term isn’t so laid back at all, life was always better in the summer term though.
The lack of evenings I found the hardest really – no opportunity for a shared hobby, no opportunity to get on with say a DIY project so everything piled into the weekend…which understandably he’d want as ‘time off’ or for doing stuff with DC’s rather than for household crap/jobs. We ended up really not feeling like a ‘team’, I found myself resenting the job and school more and more and feeling bad if I did have to ask for his time in the evenings. I will admit he’s not the best at time management and I possibly propped him up too much but I do sympathise with the workload and don’t know how anyone does it. It may have been easier had we had local family for support/childcare but we didn't.
That’s a grim tale of woe after nearly 20 years dating and married to a teacher – it was very lonely and very hard work at times, it was easier before we had DC’s. Sorry. Good luck