Guilt

[Euler]

Hi all,
I'm wondering if anyone else has/is going through the similar guilt that I feel:
I returned back to work when my dd was 6 months old. Far too early, but no choice due to lack of savings and being the higher earner. I had pnd and was still breast feeding. Struggled with the childminder being crap. I cried all the time and in the end broke down in front of smt and was given 2 weeks sick leave in may last year. After 9 weeks summer break I returned with a new cm and a happier me ( no longer breast feeding!) However, I am ridden with guilt. I love my job (secondary independent full time maths) and need it to keep my mind occupied. I miss my little girl so so much and want to be with her (she's now 21 months). We are on Easter break and I love my time with her but I do feel very lonely, despite meeting friends and going to play groups etc. then I feel guilty about not wanting this full time mum bit all the time.
I hold my feelings in check and keep it bottled in but sometimes they become overwhelming and I explode. Hubby must thing I'm a nutter!!!
I arrive and leave work when the bell goes so I have as much time with dd as possible. I prepare all my lessons, marking when she's asleep. i count the days until the holidays.
I don't want to be a full time mum or do another job. Part time not financially feasible.
Just wanting to know if anyone else feels the same.
Thank you in advance.

Hi there,
I've only just seen your OP and was surprised it was so far unanswered so wanted to say "hi" and "you're normal"
My DS is about the same age as yours and I'm a full time head of English. I'm not so good as you in that I stay in school until 5ish trying to get as much done as I can during nursery hours so that I don't have to work late into the evening. I do make sure that I am 100% available for DS for the few hours he is awake after I've picked him up and for most of the weekend, but DH does take him out for at least half a day every weekend so that I can work. Does this make you feel any better? You're a better mum than me if we're comparing time spent with children
Of course I feel guilty about it (and a little bit of resentment towards work) but I try to also feel proud. As he grows up he will hopefully see how hard DH and I worked to give him a secure home and also that we both do jobs that we genuinely enjoy.
It sounds like you feel the guilt a little more than I do though. You say part time is not financially feasible. Is it really not? I mean, say you dropped one or two days of teaching, could you pick up extra income from exam marking or private tutoring (that you could do in the evenings while DD sleeps)?
Hope that helps

I worked (SMT/Head) since all of my 4 DCs were around 5 or 6 months old. They are now young teens.
I love, love, love my job and work long hours. When I'm home I'm 'just a mum'. My children are bright, funny, confident and articulate. They all have quite high aspirations - they know you can work hard, succeed and get a job you love if you are focused. They know the value of bringing in an income. My message to them (as it was from DM to me!) it doesn't matter what you do for a living, street sweeper if you like, as long as you were able to CHOOSE it. Being stuck in any job you dislike is soul destroying.
I am very close to all of my DCs.
It can work!!

It sounds like you have it bad! Would it help to say that it gets easier with time?

I don't have any advice, really. You just have to get on with it. As an independent school teacher, you should have a pretty good deal in terms of holidays and how much work you have to do at home. A 9 week summer holiday and another 9 weeks spread throughout the year almost lets you live a double life - you can feel like a SAHM when you are on holiday.

One thing I would want you to be sensitive to is how much of "the full life of the school" you are contributing to. Make sure you do something, not necessarily your fair share. For example, give up an hour or two to help out with the big drama/musical - it will be appreciated all round, and your colleagues will cut you slack when you need it.

Thank you for replying. Helps to know I'm not the only one!!
Your right I can have a double life and I get the best of both worlds with full time mum and working mum.
I keep to my hours, but yes I do help out too; mainly at lunchtimes, but if needed I do after school things. My school day is packed!!
Thank you again
Xx