Getting another cat after loss with an existing cat.. advice?

[TheLadyIsAVamp]

I have recently had a post on here relating to this so you may recognise some details...

I lost my beautiful velcro boy 4 weeks ago, he was 13 so not young, but not exactly old either. It was sudden and unexpected and I thought we had many more years together. I'm struggling so much without him now the shock has worn off. He was my world.

I do have another cat, his older sister. She is 15 and a sensitive soul and is definitely missing him. She has become very vocal and clingy and is just not herself. She has a perfect bill of health though. She is lovely and I adore her, but she worships my partner and despite my best efforts I'm still very much the other human. My partner works outside 13 hour days whilst I work from home so she's definitely feeling lonely without her brother.

I am now thinking about getting another male kitten/young cat. I am overcome with guilt about this, and feel like I'm betraying my boy but I think it's the right thing to do.

I am drawn to a younger male, because I've read the opposite sex is best and also in my head a younger cat would feel like less of a threat for my girl..i am very open to any advice from more experienced cat owners though.

My local rescue will not re-home to me as I live near a road and won't allow my cat to roam freely. I do have a very large enclosed catio though so they will still have outdoor access.

I can't get over the guilt I'm feeling as my boy was so very special, he was definitely irreplaceable but I can't lie I am selfishly hoping it will numb the pain a little.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated but please be kind as I am already struggling with this decision alot.

I think 4 weeks since your loss is a little soon. A couple of years ago we lost 2 of our 3 cats within a fortnight (one elderly due to cancer, one sudden heart problem(. Because I felt so bereft we got 2 more rescue cats very quickly....both young adult males. All settled in well, but I always felt somehow 'wrong' as I hadn't grieved the loss of previous puss-cats. Give it another month or so (possibly 6) but I would strongly advise to get another cat. They are such a comfort in times of stress, but each has their own personality and your new puss will never replace your lost boy. Remember, reflect and rehome, but don't expect replace.

No advice about your existing cat, but we adopted our boy very soon (indecently quickly) after we had our beloved girl pts with cancer. It was the best thing we could have done - he had been a stray kitten and it was a total project to get him to become “our cat”. It took months for me to properly love him, and for him to love us, but two years in and he’s an absolute joy and we love him so much. He’s a completely different cat to our lovely girl, and exactly the cat we needed. (But also a little orange pest.)

@Theoldwrinkley thank you. I think you're right. It's too soon. I think I am just desperate for the house to feel less empty. He was such a huge personality it doesn't feel like home without him. I am probably just looking for a distraction from my grief. I still cry several times a day for him and have those "phantom" sensations where I think I see him out the corner of my eye or feel his weight on the bed before my brain catches up. Then I feel so guilty and sad when I see my other cat calling out and searching for him.

@Judystilldreamsofhorses how lovely, thank you for sharing and being so honest. My main fear is that I'm just looking for a replacement which is impossible, but I just have so much love to give with nowhere to go at the moment.

I forgot to add 'cat tax'. This is my boy in an untidy state!

I think i commented on your last post.
I had a very special old boy who died. We had a last weekend with him, knowung he would be pts on the Monday. It was agony and i still remember feeling my heart break as i lay beside him on his last night.
Ten days later a friend contacted me asking if i knew of anyone who would take a kitten in who had been turned down 4 times. By the next morning, we had said kitten and her sister (who is purring on my pillow as I type)
I still miss my beautiful boy, but nothing was lost by bringing those two little girls into our lives, and what joy they have brought!
I am tending to think of my life with cats as a continuum of feline presence. The faces change, and the colour of fur and quirks of personality, but really it is one long and lovely story that they all play a part in xx

And here’s my boy. When our girl was diagnosed with lymphoma we were offered chemo to extend her life a bit (but not cure her) and I remember sitting in the specialist vet referral place asking MIL, would you do the chemo if it was your cat? She said something about there being lots of cats in rescue desperate for homes. Our girl got really distressed going to the vet, and humphing her out weekly to the specialist place would have been awful for her - although if it had been treat to cure we probably would have because she was only ten. I think she sent this orange menace.

It’s so sad she had to go for him to come (she absolutely hated other cats and saw them off ferociously!), and I miss her every day, but he was a lost little lad who needed a home, and now he is home.

I don’t think the photos worked there

@SinuousTendrils I think you did and you sharing your experience means more than you know. Those girls are lucky to have you ❤️.

@Theoldwrinkley what a handsome boy ❤️, he looks like a distinguished gentleman!

@Judystilldreamsofhorses your boy is so handsome and looks like he's full of personality!

Here is my cat tax..the first two are my late boy and the one on the rug is my special lady..

Only you know how you feel. For some people the empty space is too sad.
I’d recommend a male kitten: my experience is territorial females accept males better.

Just wanted to say that I’m in a similar position. Our beloved boy was hit by a car on Friday night. He wasn’t quite 3 and we are all devastated - it’s such a shock. Our other cat is his litter mate. While he’s lovely, he spends the majority of his time outside only coming in in the evening. The one that was killed was home much more often and was around with the kids - the most patient, lovely cat I’ve ever encountered. I think we’re going to wait around 4/5 months before getting another. Mainly because we are away for a few weeks over the summer and October halfterm. I wish we could get another one as lovely as him 💔

Only just saw this thread for some reason.

I lost my beloved soul cat over 3 years ago now, he was only 7 but had very aggressive CKD & went from first signs of losing weight to half his weight in under 6 months. His sister Girlcat was devastated, they'd been Ferals together until one, then in the rescue together until 2, then with me.

I work at the office every day, and as an only indoor cat who was grieving I knew that for her sake I needed to get her a companion. I found a younger adult male who desperately needed a home, and had proved at the rescue he got on well with female cats (but not with males, possibly due to being neutered late). I chose him because he was perfect for her, but I knew he would be a real project to get him to trust me.

Took a long time over introductions because it was so important to me that they got on well as indoor only. Within a few weeks of them being allowed together he was totally besotted, he's her slave and does whatever she wants even if it means her stealing half his lik e lix because she finished her first.

He has grown to finally trust me mostly, and I love him dearly. He will never replace Boycat in my heart, I don't think any cat could and I still think of him most days after over 3 years, but there's room in my heart for more cats than just the one or two. Sadly it turns out the Tobias contracted FIV when he was an un-neutered stray and has a couple of other issues, so he's likely to have a much shortened life, but that wouldn't stop me from getting another partner for Girlcat.

TL:DR You owe it to the remaining cat to get her a companion, they won't be a replacement for your lost boy just an addition, there's no disloyalty to him

@SinuousTendrils I love the way you describe a parade of cats passing through your life - it's a beautiful thought and very comforting

The only way to get over the loss of a pet is to get under another as the saying goes.

There are so many rescue cats out there, that need loving homes, it would be a shame to not get your girl cat a companion.

He really was a special one OP. You can tell by the eyes. What luck you had to share his life.

@PagesAndTea I'm so sorry for your loss that must have been such a shock 💐❤️.

It's been over a month for me now and I still find myself sobbing for him at times (like now) when the house is quiet. I miss him so much and everyone seems to think I should be over it by now and I really am struggling. He was so special to me.

@Allergictoironing thank you for sharing. I think as she is such a sensitive cat and with her being an old girl I'm really worried about doing something wrong and stressing her out. She is definitely missing him a lot and I'm worried about her becoming depressed and lonely.

Not sure what I will end up doing at this point, I am keeping an eye out for a suitable friend for her and giving her as much attention and treats as she wants in the meantime.

@SinuousTendrils I really was incredibly lucky to have him, he was very special. The joy he brought me was so worth the pain I'm left with now.

I’m sorry for your loss. I knew my 19 year old cat couldn’t tolerate her son when he died age 10 let alone another cat but each cat is different

it took me 10 months to get another cat after she died. People were constantly trying to give me a random cat but I wasn’t ready

after 11 months I got 2 hooligan sisters from cats protection it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. My old cat couldn’t have dealt with them but just waiting a bit has done us all good

We lost 1 brother at 8. His dbosy weight, howled and paced out back garden..
For 5 months.
I wish had hadn't waited so long to get a dkitten. The thought of starting again.. We had 4 ddogs and it's not as simple!
They bonded within 2 weeks.. CPL had a lone dkitten... Was meant to be.
Then and now 6 years later.. Still best friends..