Am I doing the right thing rehoming?

[Rae36]

Our cat has been a wanderer all her life. But for the past year she has mainly lived with a woman round the corner. I spoke to her months ago, and several times since, and asked if she wanted to be the cat's owner and she said no. But also said she liked having a cat around and wouldn't agree to stop feeding her.

The cat came back to us in the summer after she was handed in to a local vet. Turned out the woman had gone on holiday but hadn't made any arrangements for the cat. I spoke to her when she got back and she said "it's not my cat, I don't need to arrange for anyone to care for her, she can just come back to you if she wants to".

We kept cat in for 4 weeks in the hot summer, the minute she got outside she went back to this other house.

She's back with us again after a neighbour called to say the cat was crying outside the house because the person had gone away and left her again.

We could keep her in and try to make her want to live with us again but I don't think it will work. I think we should find her a new home far away from here where she can settle.

I spoke to a cat rescue centre today who say they have a space for her. I have arranged to take her in tomorrow.

But I'm having massive doubts. I hate thinking of her in a cat shelter. But we can't carry on like this. We are still legally her owners, we're responsible for her, but she doesn't want to live with us. And the person she does want to live with won't be responsible for her.

I want her to be happy and safe in a home where she's wanted and loved, especially before the winter comes. When she was with us for 4 weeks in the summer the other person didn't even reach out to see if she was with us or was okay.

At least if we rehome her we'll know she's safe every night. Or as safe as any free-roaming cat can be. At least someone will be looking our for her.

Or is there something I've missed? Is there another way to make her stay with us? She would hate being an indoor cat and there's no way we can cat-proof the garden so those things are not options.

The kids want to give her one more chance to settle with us but I just know she won't come back and I'll be on edge waiting for the next time we get a phone call from a neighbour or the vet and we have to go through this all over again.

Sorry, that's a enormous post

Have you tried the feliway stuff. It works. Also asked the woman what food she was feeding her?
And, does the other woman live on her own? Is your home busy? Might be worth trying to make a quiet space for cat?

I'd speak to the lady too and explain the all round misery she is causing by feeding the cat when it suits her. The other lady must stop letting the cat in and give it chance to know it's not to go there.

if the cat is rehomed, what's to stop it courting two homes again anyway

Is there a reason she might not like your house, other pets, small children etc? My friend had a childhood cat that left when they brought a new kitten home, but thankfully his new owner spoiled him rotten!

Could you keep her and cat proof your garden so she can’t get out?

Yep we've got feliway all through the house.

The woman feeds raw fish from the fish shop and raw chicken. We can't match that every day.

She also lives alone and we're a family of 5 so I can understand why the cat prefers her house.

But she won't take responsibility for her. It's infuriating.

We can't cat proof the garden. There are too many boundaries with overhanging trees and bushes. It would cost a fortune.

I guess the cat just doesn't want to live with us any more. She was happy enough here for 2 years until she found this new place but her mind is clearly made up.

We can't keep her. We have to rehome her. It's shit. We're all so sad.

I'm so angry about this person who wants our cat when she feels like it and not when she doesn't.

Now the poor cat has to go in a cat home and wait to be picked and then learn all about a new house.

Catio, rather than trying to catproof the whole garden?
If the food seems to be a big draw you could try a different diet - Orijen, for example, do dry food that has a much higher meat contebt than many other cat foods, & Untamed do very meaty tinned food?

I would just leave her be (the cat). She can roam, go to other people's houses. Id still be an owner and take responsibility for the cat, when I went away I'd send her to a cattery, and I'd do the vet bills and everything. Many cats live like that, courting multiple houses. I'd do it because I love the cat, not because I want to dictate the cat to be mine and mine only. In Istanbul there are so many cats that live exactly like this. Multiple houses look after them, they just do what they like. Someone or multiple people do also the vets etc. Though I understand it's not the same approach here.
Having said all that it could just be a phase. Mine (in UK) went away and stayed with a neighbour for long periods of time when my kids were toddlers. Then gradually came back.

Catio, rather than trying to catproof the whole garden?

But she doesn't want to live in a catio with us. She wants to live somewhere else and wander around however she likes.

Option 1- make her stay with us by limiting her movements in some way

Option 2- carry on with her mainly living with someone who only feeds and cares for her when it suits

Option 3- rehome her far away

I'm leaning towards Option 3 but it doesn't feel good. Option 2 is not fair on the cat. Option 1 feels expensive, tricky for us to manage, and probably a cat who likes to wander isn't going to be all that happy anyway

They're all rubbish options.

Look into recent changes in the law regarding dcats op. Seems the woman is breaking them on this one.

I did wonder about phoning the police or RSPCA and say she had stolen our cat and was now neglecting her but I didn't think anyone would really care

What a horrible woman. Does she not feel any affection for this poor cat she's lured away? She likes having her around but no pangs of guilt at the thought of her hungry, scared and confused when she's gone on holiday and left her?

I'd try one more time to make her realise that the cat doesn't understand the concept of technically being owned by one family but living most of the time in another house. Why would a cat be able to understand that?

If you can't get through to her then yes I agree option 3 is the best but what a terrible shame. I really feel for you and your poor cat.

I would try to figure out why she’s unhappy at home and try to make her more comfortable rather than just getting rid.

Do you have a dog? Is one of the kids chasing or being rough with her? Does she have a bed in a quiet corner of the house where she can get away from the noise? etc

It’s clear you are trying to do the best thing for your cat and in the same situation I couldn’t risk my cats becoming effectively strays every time this woman went away. It’s unbelievably cruel behaviour from her. Rather than cat shelter do you have a friend or relative who could take the cat? I think my parents who are not pet people would have taken mine if this happened when I had small DC.

OP, this is a horrible situation and I’m sorry. But I think you have to be realistic about the cat’s chances of being rehomed. Shelters are overwhelmed at the moment. Something to bear in mind.

Honestly, this is a very difficult scenario, and I think if the cat shelter has space for her then they are able to try and find her a home.

I can't see how you could keep the cat away from that woman. If there was any chance she would stay with you it would be when that woman went on holiday and she had no food!

Update to say we took the cat to a rehoming shelter. We didn't make the decision lightly.

She needs and deserves a place to call home, particularly in the winter.

She didn't want to stay with us. She made that clear many times by disappearing every chance she got. We couldn't make her an indoor cat, she would have hated that, and we couldn't sensibly cat proof our garden or confine her to a catio.

The woman who was feeding her is on holiday for 3 weeks, hadn't made any arrangements for the cat who had been living with her.

She was not going to stop feeding the cat. She said that to me 3 times when I knocked on her door. She liked having a cat around her house but didn't want the responsibility of owning one.

So the responsibility and worry and cost remained mine, but I didn't have a cat to show for it, except when I had to collect her 4 times in total from the vet after she was handed in again for being 'abandoned'

I spoke to her son earlier this week who said "oh my mum, she's so determined, she won't listen to anyone" which sort of made up my mind.

I have to trust that the shelter accepted her because they believe they can find her a home. They would have said they were full otherwise.

We explained the situation them and they said it's quite common in their experience for this to happen and they will not let her go to a home within 15 miles of us. The shelter is 8 miles from us and they will rehome her in the opposite direction.

They are confident that moving her to a completely new area will help her settle, somewhere with no familiar scents to confuse her and she can start again. I really hope they're right.

We're all sad and angry that someone has done this to us and our pet. But I'm relieved she's somewhere warm and safe. Even being in the cat shelter I know she's definitely safe after dark without worrying if she's made it inside that person's house or not.

Maybe when things have settled a bit I'll go round and speak to her, I want her to understand the consequences of her selfish behaviour. But I don't know. I don't think, based on past conversations, she'd really care and I think that would upset me even more.

So there we are. Thanks for listening to me rabbit on. It helped me make my mind up.

I get why you made this decision and it sounds like it was the right one for you. I do think this is the downside of domesticating wild animals. You let them roam but also want control.

I suspect cat lady will bribe the next wanderer with tasty treats and won’t be short of company for long.

OP, I'm sorry this happened. You did the right thing for her. I understand, you didn't want to control her, you just wanted her to have a loving home with people she could depend on.

So sad but that selfish woman left you with no other choice. I'm sure your lovely cat will find the perfect home very soon.

OP, if it gives you any comfort, cats are rehomed incredibly quickly in my city (Edinburgh). I think it’s because many people are flat dwellers/renters and don’t want the responsibility of a dog. So it’s not necessarily true that she’ll be languishing in there for ages.

i am totally cat obsessed and I adore mine, I think you did the best thing for her. One of mine moved in with a neighbour and although I was heartbroken I knew it was what she wanted, luckily he agreed to keep her as I was moving and I felt awful separating them.
if she was a wanderer she wouldn’t have been happy in a catio, also how cruel of that person. She’s not a cat lover she is just using one to get her fix and abandoning it.